Venting My ever continuing self harm chronicles

[willitpass]

My anorexia has been extremely bad lately, along with my depression. As it has been for nearly my entire life, when things get bad I torture myself. My mind has decided that, in both an eating disorder sense and in a regular self harm sense, that I am not allowed water. I have exclusively had sugar free energy drinks and diet coke for several days now. If I want to eat, I have to drink an energy drink with it. I'm in a constant state of nausea and it has deterred me from eating because so many energy drinks have fucked up my stomach. And since I'm anorexic that has made me quite pleased with myself, because hey it's working I don't even want to eat. And my depression feels it has succeeded because I'm in nearly constant discomfort and I deserve it. I get a sick sense of happiness from causing myself to suffer.