Venting My eating disorder is killing me and I'm happy about it.

[Lady_V]

I just got out of the shower a moment ago. The most exhausting shower of my life. I sat instead of stood, my eyes could not open for the life of me, I was having vivid closed-eye hallucinations behind my heavy lids, I could barely turn my head to wash off the face wash I had on my face way too long. I feel it. I'm dying, My body is so tired. It can't do this much longer. I've lost sm weight in the past two weeks alone, it's concerned even me, but still... every time I get on that scale, I smile from excitement at my weight. Every time I pass out I think "yay" after I come to and collect myself again. Every time I run my fingers over my protruding ribs, I get giddy.

I was put on a mental health hold recently after family noticed my state. Even though I am underweight, I did a good job at showing doctors I was willing to eat. They let me go. I feel proud of myself for tricking doctors, I feel good my eating disorder progress is catching the attention of others, it tells me it's not just in my head. I am doing a good job.

This relapse is killing me, but it's also the only thing that makes me happy. It's the only thing I have.

 

[Dejected 55]

This just makes me really sad to read. Our world is so cruel to make anyone feel this way about themselves. Lots of things I wish were not real things, but this is one of those disorders I really really hate knowing people have.

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

I understand, for me it was craving total control over my own body, knowing that something, ANYTHING in my life was under my control and that no matter how bad it gets I am the owner of the body and not the other way around, it's like a drug, self harm. Normal people have no idea what it's like to be in the position where self harm is appealing, to be so lost and so deprived of any choice that you turn to anything that will give you an ounce of control.

 

[Daphne]

I just got out of the shower a moment ago. The most exhausting shower of my life. I sat instead of stood, my eyes could not open for the life of me, I was having vivid closed-eye hallucinations behind my heavy lids, I could barely turn my head to wash off the face wash I had on my face way too long. I feel it. I'm dying, My body is so tired. It can't do this much longer. I've lost sm weight in the past two weeks alone, it's concerned even me, but still... every time I get on that scale, I smile from excitement at my weight. Every time I pass out I think "yay" after I come to and collect myself again. Every time I run my fingers over my protruding ribs, I get giddy.

I was put on a mental health hold recently after family noticed my state. Even though I am underweight, I did a good job at showing doctors I was willing to eat. They let me go. I feel proud of myself for tricking doctors, I feel good my eating disorder progress is catching the attention of others, it tells me it's not just in my head. I am doing a good job.

This relapse is killing me, but it's also the only thing that makes me happy. It's the only thing I have.

I

I just got out of the shower a moment ago. The most exhausting shower of my life. I sat instead of stood, my eyes could not open for the life of me, I was having vivid closed-eye hallucinations behind my heavy lids, I could barely turn my head to wash off the face wash I had on my face way too long. I feel it. I'm dying, My body is so tired. It can't do this much longer. I've lost sm weight in the past two weeks alone, it's concerned even me, but still... every time I get on that scale, I smile from excitement at my weight. Every time I pass out I think "yay" after I come to and collect myself again. Every time I run my fingers over my protruding ribs, I get giddy.

I was put on a mental health hold recently after family noticed my state. Even though I am underweight, I did a good job at showing doctors I was willing to eat. They let me go. I feel proud of myself for tricking doctors, I feel good my eating disorder progress is catching the attention of others, it tells me it's not just in my head. I am doing a good job.

This relapse is killing me, but it's also the only thing that makes me happy. It's the only thing I have.

I get it. Our bodies are one of few things we have agency over, most of us anyway. I got thin when I was using and felt pride at being able to forego food. Not actively trying to starve myself but the feeling of being disconnected from my reality was nice.