NotSoEnchanted
⚡️
- Dec 26, 2025
- 188
Next month my dog will be turning 5. The 4th of May will mark 5 years we've spent growing up together, and I cannot help but feel very bittersweet and sad. He was the baby I got when I was a 'baby' (18) myself, and while I raised him, in a way he raised me too. He's seen the absolute worst of me, alongside the best, and has been the most constant thing in my adult life. He's my best friend and adventure buddy. He is the primary reason I've made it this far, and without him I wouldn't have got to experience the best years of my life.
Right now he's laying in bed watching me type away, his soft breath tickling my arm as he slips off into sleep. He has no idea that next month sometime after his birthday, I'm going to kiss and hug him one last time while crying, and once I leave the house I wont be coming back. His life of sleeping in bed with me, getting all the lovings in the world, going on hikes/exploring the woods, and having a guardian who understands him to his core, will implode. He'll be packed up and brought to the city by my family, where he'll in turn start a life of living with them. He'll go from sleeping in a bed, to sleeping in his kennel and not being allowed on any furniture. He'll no longer get lovings from me, but rather 4 young kids. He probably won't get to hike and run free in the woods much, instead he'll play in the yard and go on runs in their neighborhood. It's not ideal, I know him. He thrives being able to run through the woods daily, coming back home to our bed and cuddles. He does best with someone that understands him and his breed. No one knows him like I do, and it hurts me to think about him being misunderstood. But he'll be okay. I hope.
It guts me that it has to be this way. I truly wish things were different. I wish my dog and I could live a quiet little life in a cabin in the woods, continue growing up together and be at peace. But I know this is not a reality that's possible for me. I'm so fucking miserable, and it's not just my circumstances nor the state of the world. It's me, I'm so uncomfortable being me and I'm constantly tormented by my own mind. I hate how I look, act, and think. When I do something 'wrong' it is quite literally the end of the world in my mind, and I can't escape from it. My OCD like symptoms have been way worse lately, and I just can't get any fucking peace. There's something fundamentally wrong with me, and I'm tired of torturing myself by staying here, under the false hope that things will get better and I'll be able to build a life that's worth living.
I'm going to try my best to throw one last big birthday for my dog. I'm going to cook him a steak, some shrimp, and bake a cake, all for him. I'll buy him toys and treats and we'll go spend majority of the day in the woods together. I hope to create happy memories that will provide me with warmth and comfort when I decide to CTB. I want to go out thinking of good things, not bad. I want to hold the stuffed Dino he's had since he was a baby, and look through all the pictures I've taken of our time together throughout the years, as I drift off into a salty drink induced sleep.
After his birthday I'll be free to go, and I know I'll feel good about doing so. I want to do things right this time, make it to an important date for myself/dog, and have a 'goodbye' dinner with my family. Said goodbye dinner is coming up soon, and it's honestly making me feel a bit sick. It's the kids I worry the most about, I hate the fact that I'll stain their childhoods with suicide. I can only hope that they're resilient, and they won't be upset for too long. I may make a proper post about this dinner later, it would probably be good for me to get some of the weight off my shoulders that way. I know it's going to be very hard for me to pretend like it's just a regular dinner, and not my last time seeing my family.
Right now he's laying in bed watching me type away, his soft breath tickling my arm as he slips off into sleep. He has no idea that next month sometime after his birthday, I'm going to kiss and hug him one last time while crying, and once I leave the house I wont be coming back. His life of sleeping in bed with me, getting all the lovings in the world, going on hikes/exploring the woods, and having a guardian who understands him to his core, will implode. He'll be packed up and brought to the city by my family, where he'll in turn start a life of living with them. He'll go from sleeping in a bed, to sleeping in his kennel and not being allowed on any furniture. He'll no longer get lovings from me, but rather 4 young kids. He probably won't get to hike and run free in the woods much, instead he'll play in the yard and go on runs in their neighborhood. It's not ideal, I know him. He thrives being able to run through the woods daily, coming back home to our bed and cuddles. He does best with someone that understands him and his breed. No one knows him like I do, and it hurts me to think about him being misunderstood. But he'll be okay. I hope.
It guts me that it has to be this way. I truly wish things were different. I wish my dog and I could live a quiet little life in a cabin in the woods, continue growing up together and be at peace. But I know this is not a reality that's possible for me. I'm so fucking miserable, and it's not just my circumstances nor the state of the world. It's me, I'm so uncomfortable being me and I'm constantly tormented by my own mind. I hate how I look, act, and think. When I do something 'wrong' it is quite literally the end of the world in my mind, and I can't escape from it. My OCD like symptoms have been way worse lately, and I just can't get any fucking peace. There's something fundamentally wrong with me, and I'm tired of torturing myself by staying here, under the false hope that things will get better and I'll be able to build a life that's worth living.
I'm going to try my best to throw one last big birthday for my dog. I'm going to cook him a steak, some shrimp, and bake a cake, all for him. I'll buy him toys and treats and we'll go spend majority of the day in the woods together. I hope to create happy memories that will provide me with warmth and comfort when I decide to CTB. I want to go out thinking of good things, not bad. I want to hold the stuffed Dino he's had since he was a baby, and look through all the pictures I've taken of our time together throughout the years, as I drift off into a salty drink induced sleep.
After his birthday I'll be free to go, and I know I'll feel good about doing so. I want to do things right this time, make it to an important date for myself/dog, and have a 'goodbye' dinner with my family. Said goodbye dinner is coming up soon, and it's honestly making me feel a bit sick. It's the kids I worry the most about, I hate the fact that I'll stain their childhoods with suicide. I can only hope that they're resilient, and they won't be upset for too long. I may make a proper post about this dinner later, it would probably be good for me to get some of the weight off my shoulders that way. I know it's going to be very hard for me to pretend like it's just a regular dinner, and not my last time seeing my family.
