My Descent into Madness

[evolutionerror]

I have a job. I have a savings. I have a small house. I used to think I could do anything, or be anyone I needed to be.

but now I want to die.

I'm all alone, in a state with no family, and I have no friends. The only recent relationship I had crashed and burned, which was my own fault and I feel totally and completely unlovable. Work just keeps getting harder and I can't take it. I feel like such a failure, in pretty much everything. I don't even know how I got this far to be honest. The me that blazed this trail is already dead, and now I sit on my couch wondering who I used to be, or how I was able to accomplish what I have so far.

I bought some SN, which is sitting in my cabinet. I look at it from time to time wondering if today is the day. I think the only thing stopping me at this point is just concern for other people, like my mom/siblings and how it would devastate them or people I work with being left to deal with everything.

This is my first post on the forums, sorry for the incoherent rambling..... I just needed to get this out.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living can certainly be very depressing. It sounds like you are suffering a lot, but at least you have the option of a way to exit this world for when the time is right. I wish you the best.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

You would hope that if the time eventually comes, those closest to you would understand your reasons for departing and be able to seek solace in the fact that you're no longer suffering.

 

[evolutionerror]

In the end, I feel like those closest to me would resent me for it. I can't expect them to understand, and how could they. I have glimpses though... sometimes I feel like "hey, I've got it. I've got this. I remember who I am"...

Constantly teetering back and forth from my SI/buried will to keep living to soul crippling anxiety and depression is honestly driving me insane.

At work (my only interactions really with other people) I put a mask on and try to be the happy/helpful person, and they all think I'm the guy with the answers. When they're not looking I cradle my head in my hands and cry, shaking from anxiety and worry and stress.

I've never talked to anyone about any of this, it really feels good to finally find somewhere where I can speak freely about it without someone trying to explain it all away and tell me how wrong I am and why. Thanks for the replies.

 

[Wormfood]

In the end, I feel like those closest to me would resent me for it. I can't expect them to understand, and how could they. I have glimpses though... sometimes I feel like "hey, I've got it. I've got this. I remember who I am"...

Constantly teetering back and forth from my SI/buried will to keep living to soul crippling anxiety and depression is honestly driving me insane.

At work (my only interactions really with other people) I put a mask on and try to be the happy/helpful person, and they all think I'm the guy with the answers. When they're not looking I cradle my head in my hands and cry, shaking from anxiety and worry and stress.

I've never talked to anyone about any of this, it really feels good to finally find somewhere where I can speak freely about it without someone trying to explain it all away and tell me how wrong I am and why. Thanks for the replies.

You're very welcome. Life can be heartbreaking sometimes and I can understand you not wanting to be here To be at peace. No doubt that your situation is challenging and your feelings are valid. You are valid. Life would be a little dimmer without you.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

In the end, I feel like those closest to me would resent me for it. I can't expect them to understand, and how could they. I have glimpses though... sometimes I feel like "hey, I've got it. I've got this. I remember who I am"...

Constantly teetering back and forth from my SI/buried will to keep living to soul crippling anxiety and depression is honestly driving me insane.

At work (my only interactions really with other people) I put a mask on and try to be the happy/helpful person, and they all think I'm the guy with the answers. When they're not looking I cradle my head in my hands and cry, shaking from anxiety and worry and stress.

I've never talked to anyone about any of this, it really feels good to finally find somewhere where I can speak freely about it without someone trying to explain it all away and tell me how wrong I am and why. Thanks for the replies.

We tend to put on a brave face when in public or with company, so from the exterior you show no signs of distress or suffering, but they don't get to see you when you're alone and the demons come. It's very frustrating and isolating. The world would be better place if it were more socially acceptable to discuss our mental struggles with one another, but it isn't. You see suicide awareness campaigns here and there encouraging us to talk, but they're empty gestures. Nothing is actually being done.

 

[dirtnap]

My situation sounds like it's very similar to yours. I feel your pain and understand your despair. I'm glad that you found this site, I hope you find peace

 

[Hollowman]

I sit on my couch and try to remember who I was/am too.

 

[Hollowillow]

I have a job. I have a savings. I have a small house. I used to think I could do anything, or be anyone I needed to be.

but now I want to die.

I'm all alone, in a state with no family, and I have no friends. The only recent relationship I had crashed and burned, which was my own fault and I feel totally and completely unlovable. Work just keeps getting harder and I can't take it. I feel like such a failure, in pretty much everything. I don't even know how I got this far to be honest. The me that blazed this trail is already dead, and now I sit on my couch wondering who I used to be, or how I was able to accomplish what I have so far.

I bought some SN, which is sitting in my cabinet. I look at it from time to time wondering if today is the day. I think the only thing stopping me at this point is just concern for other people, like my mom/siblings and how it would devastate them or people I work with being left to deal with everything.

This is my first post on the forums, sorry for the incoherent rambling..... I just needed to get this out.

Welcome... I'm lonely too. I have a hard time reaching out.

I read people here wanting to ctb because they're homeless. Could you invite someone to live with you in exchange of cleaning & making meals? You could ctb together...

It's risky but it'd be nice if it worked... Into friendship

 

[AliceTheGoon]

Dang you sound a lot like me. Not all of it but a good bit of it.

 

[theboy]

Damn
That is very unfair. I send you many hugs

 

[SexyIncél]

It'd be interesting to know more, if you'd like to try analyzing what's going on. I'm very similar

I personally found Sam Vaknin a very astute psychologist. (And prolific writer/youtuber.) His theories of narcissism seem to generalize to many situations, beyond narcissists

 

[makethepainstop]

Sometimes people have some really rough lives. I always wondered if there is a God, why do so many people hurt? People will help a stray dog or cat, with food, vet care, place to live,water, pet beds. Things we would never do for a stray homeless human! Arnt we such a lovely species?

 

[Challu]

I have a job. I have a savings. I have a small house. I used to think I could do anything, or be anyone I needed to be.

but now I want to die.

I'm all alone, in a state with no family, and I have no friends. The only recent relationship I had crashed and burned, which was my own fault and I feel totally and completely unlovable. Work just keeps getting harder and I can't take it. I feel like such a failure, in pretty much everything. I don't even know how I got this far to be honest. The me that blazed this trail is already dead, and now I sit on my couch wondering who I used to be, or how I was able to accomplish what I have so far.

I bought some SN, which is sitting in my cabinet. I look at it from time to time wondering if today is the day. I think the only thing stopping me at this point is just concern for other people, like my mom/siblings and how it would devastate them or people I work with being left to deal with everything.

This is my first post on the forums, sorry for the incoherent rambling..... I just needed to get this out.

Please pm me where you bought sn. I'll probably just leave it in a drawer, but I'd like to have it just in case.

 

[Cerulea]

I have a job. I have a savings. I have a small house. I used to think I could do anything, or be anyone I needed to be.

but now I want to die.

I'm all alone, in a state with no family, and I have no friends. The only recent relationship I had crashed and burned, which was my own fault and I feel totally and completely unlovable. Work just keeps getting harder and I can't take it. I feel like such a failure, in pretty much everything. I don't even know how I got this far to be honest. The me that blazed this trail is already dead, and now I sit on my couch wondering who I used to be, or how I was able to accomplish what I have so far.

I bought some SN, which is sitting in my cabinet. I look at it from time to time wondering if today is the day. I think the only thing stopping me at this point is just concern for other people, like my mom/siblings and how it would devastate them or people I work with being left to deal with everything.

This is my first post on the forums, sorry for the incoherent rambling..... I just needed to get this out.

I appreciate hearing from people who aren't in an active crisis. Honestly, it doesn't sound to me like you're descending into madness. It sounds like you're rationalizing your thoughts and building real perspective. Both of those are crucial processes to informed and clear decision making. You're describing experiencing hopelessness, bewilderment, confusion, frustration, loneliness, and powerlessness. All of which are valid and difficult feelings. That doesn't sound like madness. It sounds like reason. Regardless, I am sorry you're hurting.

The fact that you have established relationships that give you pause is a sign that you're still very much in the contemplation process. I'm sure many people here will be around to talk through those thoughts with you, if that's what you want. Thankfully, there's no need to make a decision in this moment. A deep breath a reset for your body to think clearly may help.

May this space help you sort out what is right for you and provide you with support throughout that process.

 

[evolutionerror]

I guess I describe it as madness because I do feel like I'm going insane in the general sense. I haven't seen a doctor in many years and definitely have never been evaluated psychologically, but I tend to think I have some kind of mental illness. I have these wild swings in my emotions sometimes, I can go from being wildly depressed to momentarily happy and back again. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not sure I even want to know. There are so many different versions of me, in my head, arguing with one another.

I do know that I'm scared. I wake up in the morning so deeply sad about my life, live most of the day in that headspace and then I get off work, go home, and drink and smoke myself into oblivion. Usually after I'm fairly inebriated I start to think maybe there is hope, maybe CTB isn't the right idea. It's almost as if my brain starts to actually work the way I think it should when I'm heavily drugged, it's really strange.

The past few days have been rough... I spend most of the day thinking about how I'll go home and drink my SN... then yesterday I got home, mixed a dose with water and just sat there staring at it making a million excuses for why I maybe shouldn't. I don't know if I can do it.

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, none of it makes sense to me either.

I just want to lock myself in a room with no light and no sound.

 

[evolutionerror]

I wish I wasn't so weak.
I wish I wasn't so afraid.
I wish I was normal.
I wish my brain worked like other normal people.
I wish I wasn't so alone.
I wish I didn't think of ending my life as much as I do.
I wish I was a better son/uncle/brother.
I wish I could go back and do things differently.
I wish I was smarter.
I wish I didn't have so much anxiety.
I wish I was someone else.
I wish I didn't always feel like I want to cry.
I wish I felt like I was worth something.

 

[makethepainstop]

Please pm me where you bought sn. I'll probably just leave it in a drawer, but I'd like to have it just in case.

Me too bro me too.

 

[evolutionerror]

Today may be my day. Not going to make any promises since last time I couldn't overcome my SI, but I get my SN delivered (hopefully) today and if everything goes as planned will try to CTB tonight.

Not sure how to feel. I just need this all to end.

 

[Andry387]

Today may be my day. Not going to make any promises since last time I couldn't overcome my SI, but I get my SN delivered (hopefully) today and if everything goes as planned will try to CTB tonight.

Not sure how to feel. I just need this all to end.

Friend.If you are lonely , you can find friends or relationships on the etgp forum .
In the " recovery" section.

 

[leeloosnow]

Today may be my day. Not going to make any promises since last time I couldn't overcome my SI, but I get my SN delivered (hopefully) today and if everything goes as planned will try to CTB tonight.

Not sure how to feel. I just need this all to end.

Yea, I feel that way as well. Have my son already, but things need to be "right", and currently I'm considering giving it another 24hrs. Which is technically still Wednesday, albeit the evening and comes with its own complications.
Isolation and daily drinking are something I fall into easily. For my own plan, I chose to stop drinking a week ago bc alcohol is a depressant, and it's something I definitely notice in my own patterns, the difference in my mindset when I'm on the wagon v drinking more evenings than not. Plus it's important to me that affairs are in order, I won't be interrupted, and I have all my "luxury meds" in place.
Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck, comfort, and freedom from suffering hopelessly. Hugs.

 

[evolutionerror]

I also struggle with daily drinking. I live in my own house with no one else, so there is really zero risk of my being interrupted. It really just comes down to being able to overcome my SI when I'm staring at death. I wish I had some type of luxury meds but really its just going to be a little weed, followed by maybe a couple ibuprofen before taking my SN (after fasting).

My SN wound up not getting delivered yesterday, but is out for delivery today so i'm hopeful i'll be on my way soon. Thanks for the well wishes.

 

[evolutionerror]

SN should be in my mailbox at home. I'm going to finish the day at work and spend some time at home before (hopefully) CTB tonight at some point. Trying to prepare mentally as best I can since last time I couldn't do it and just stared at the SN drink for hours.

Trying to think of any good reasons not to CTB, but I can't really think of any. We all have to die at some point, and I just don't see the point in continuing this shitty existence feeling the way I do. I have no friends unless you count work buddies, and I have no family in state. I have no one to love and no kids, no one to live for, and on my own I have nothing keeping me going. I have never felt so alone, so empty, and so tired. I wish I could tell me Mom how sorry I am and say goodbye, but nothing good will come from that besides more pain and hurt. She doesn't deserve this, and I feel so horrible but this needs to end. I need to end.

I don't plan on leaving any sort of note, or any indication as to "why" because there is no reality where the people reading it would understand how I feel.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I don't plan on leaving any sort of note, or any indication as to "why" because there is no reality where the people reading it would understand how I feel.

The note would be your way to tell your mother how sorry you are and say goodbye to her (as you mentioned wishing you could do). You could also tell her you love her and there was nothing she could have done to prevent this from happening.

The me that blazed this trail is already dead, and now I sit on my couch wondering who I used to be, or how I was able to accomplish what I have so far.

This describes me, too (and the part about work [and everything else] getting continuously more difficult. It totally sucks. I'm sorry you've been feeling this way.

 

[evolutionerror]

The note would be your way to tell your mother how sorry you are and say goodbye to her (as you mentioned wishing you could do). You could also tell her you love her and there was nothing she could have done to prevent this from happening.

Maybe I will leave something, just to tell her that.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I've never talked to anyone about any of this, it really feels good to finally find somewhere where I can speak freely about it without someone trying to explain it all away and tell me how wrong I am and why. Thanks for the replies.

I feel it would be wrong of me not to mention one thing here. Therapists are not supposed to "explain it all away" or "tell you how wrong you are and why." Possibly some of them do? But none of the ones I've seen have ever done that. Have you ever tried getting therapy? It sounded like you were craving some place to talk. It might be unadvised to talk about having a plan and the means to CTB, but all of the other stuff you mentioned sounded like things a good therapist could help you with.

Also, I am slightly confused because you said you had SN waiting in the cupboard and then went on to describe waiting for it to be delivered???? Why are you having it delivered if it is already in the cupboard? Maybe I misunderstood?

 

[evolutionerror]

I feel it would be wrong of me not to mention one thing here. Therapists are not supposed to "explain it all away" or "tell you how wrong you are and why." Possibly some of them do? But none of the ones I've seen have ever done that. Have you ever tried getting therapy? It sounded like you were craving some place to talk. It might be unadvised to talk about having a plan and the means to CTB, but all of the other stuff you mentioned sounded like things a good therapist could help you with.

I don't want to talk to anyone, even though I'm sure it's what I should do. I've locked myself inside my own mind and I have no desire to let anyone in. I also don't believe anyone cares or has the answers for the questions I have. Besides, I wouldn't be able to speak openly with anyone like that or they would just see that I get put in a psych ward. When you give the slightest hint of being suicidal, doctors really want nothing to do with you because if you CTB and they say nothing they can be held liable. I don't trust them, or anyone else for that matter.

That's why I'm glad this forum exists. For me at least, it's been a way for me to communicate these thoughts and feelings I have with anonymity, and without fear of persecution. I have not been a member for long, but this is the most I've probably talked to anyone about this my whole life.

Also, I am slightly confused because you said you had SN waiting in the cupboard and then went on to describe waiting for it to be delivered???? Why are you having it delivered if it is already in the cupboard? Maybe I misunderstood?

I had ordered a small bag of SN originally, and I mixed it into a couple drinks but I couldn't go through with it that night. I poured it down the sink and so I no longer had any to CTB. I ordered more which I just got today.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Besides, I wouldn't be able to speak openly with anyone like that or they would just see that I get put in a psych ward. When you give the slightest hint of being suicidal, doctors really want nothing to do with you because if you CTB and they say nothing they can be held liable.

I mean, maybe? I can't say it never happens, but what I recall happening was that I was questioned further ("do you have a plan in place?" are you planning on doing this?). Then I was asked to sign a "contract" stating that I was not going to do it. This leaves you open to say things like "My life is not living because......."