The Disqualified
Disqualified as a Human Being
- Feb 4, 2023
- 123
My life in human society has been one of immense pain and profound anguish. The scars human beings have inflicted in me have since reached the bone, making every movement painful.
Today was a typical day of farcicality and performance. I clown and laugh, cynically probing human beings and their relationships and then locking in for the target. I navigate my social environment consciously masking any mistake that may reveal the truth, something that has happened in the past, causing me immense pain and damage before. Body posture, eye contact, movement around the environment, greetings, conversations starters; all coldy calculated and measured. When talking with others in person, I rarely talk about anything that even interests me in the slightest, but just vomit any nonsense or topic my mind can find and try to freestyle something humans would consider a "normal conversation" or "small talk", this activity requires my brain working at full capacity to keep up with such an arduous task. I would pretend my hardest to care about what others say and make them comfortable to share more even when I most sincerely couldn't bother less as what they talk about is not interesting to me in the slightest and they are never direct but use elusive forms of language when describing things. During all this process I must carefully contain my chronic anxiety in the background, or else my clowning will suddenly start malfunctioning and the truth will start to leak out.
Sometimes it is an awkward silence, a weird gesture, a bad line. But many times it is just me staring at the ceiling, at the floor, or into nothing, with those empty eyes of someone who has lost all hope. Sometimes I do that without noticing my surroundings and suddenly get jumped at by someone: "Are you fine?".
This is most dreadful for me. When that happens, I have to pretend nothing happened and put on a naive optimism out of thin air. I've recently had much more sucess socializing and performing among people. To them I am just another laughter-loving human being, just wanting love and laughter in life. In truth, I am not any of that. I am lost. I am a fraud. This place isn't for me, but there is nowhere I can go. Nowhere I feel safe or understood.
I am not open to anyone. I don't feel safe. Everything seems farcical to me. All I want is peace.
Today was a typical day of farcicality and performance. I clown and laugh, cynically probing human beings and their relationships and then locking in for the target. I navigate my social environment consciously masking any mistake that may reveal the truth, something that has happened in the past, causing me immense pain and damage before. Body posture, eye contact, movement around the environment, greetings, conversations starters; all coldy calculated and measured. When talking with others in person, I rarely talk about anything that even interests me in the slightest, but just vomit any nonsense or topic my mind can find and try to freestyle something humans would consider a "normal conversation" or "small talk", this activity requires my brain working at full capacity to keep up with such an arduous task. I would pretend my hardest to care about what others say and make them comfortable to share more even when I most sincerely couldn't bother less as what they talk about is not interesting to me in the slightest and they are never direct but use elusive forms of language when describing things. During all this process I must carefully contain my chronic anxiety in the background, or else my clowning will suddenly start malfunctioning and the truth will start to leak out.
Sometimes it is an awkward silence, a weird gesture, a bad line. But many times it is just me staring at the ceiling, at the floor, or into nothing, with those empty eyes of someone who has lost all hope. Sometimes I do that without noticing my surroundings and suddenly get jumped at by someone: "Are you fine?".
This is most dreadful for me. When that happens, I have to pretend nothing happened and put on a naive optimism out of thin air. I've recently had much more sucess socializing and performing among people. To them I am just another laughter-loving human being, just wanting love and laughter in life. In truth, I am not any of that. I am lost. I am a fraud. This place isn't for me, but there is nowhere I can go. Nowhere I feel safe or understood.
I am not open to anyone. I don't feel safe. Everything seems farcical to me. All I want is peace.
Last edited:
