These are not his exact words it is really hard to translate but fuck off. Simply fuck off.
I am going to kill myself because the abuse I went through as a child. I don't think I have much time left. My resources to cope are empty. I am at my pain limit.
My mom abused the shit out of me from 5 to 15. Where was he? Where was this asshole to protect me? He did not nothing. He looked away like my whole family. And even now when we talk about it noone has seen it. Noone noticed it. Noone knew about it. They all knew it. They told my mom not to be so hard to me. Nothing more.
And now when I was in this clinic for acute suicidal they dare to blame me. They were shaking. Their health is bad. But this tortured individual cannot take it anymore. I am so sick of it. I am so so sick of it. I cannot postpone my suicide until they are dead. I had to wait 20 years. Even if I wanted to. I simply can't.
I will ruin this family. And all their health. I will take this family down if I ctb or attempt. I don't want to. I genuinely don't want to. But these are the consequences of my actions.
Despite the fact I am often in the mood to kill myself recently I have to wait. I have to wait until the situation calms down. And maybe I am a little bit impulsive lately. I am not sure whether it would be a rational suicide. But I reached my pain limit.
And this is my mood this evening. How will it be tomorrow's evening. I wish died that day I almost took the SN. But I genuinely don't know whether I have what it takes to kill yourself. I am not sure whether I am determined enough. I cried for help. I think I will always do that. There are parts of me that don't want to die. I am very talkative and talking helps when I am suicidal. There are parts of me that are glad that my friends called the police. I am simply so overwhelmed by all the pain. The fact that I am in a mixed manic depressive episode does not help. I could wait to kill myself until another major depression hits. I think then the determination will be strong enough. When I hit rock bottom. At the same time being manic and on benzos while looking death into its eyes was not fully unpleasant. But I am not sure whether there was enough pain involved to go through it. I am not sure what would have happened if my friends did not call the police. Genuinely I think it was 50/50. I had my mouth at the glass. I smelled it. The thought that the thinking would stop was so relieving.
Bipolar is a living hell. I think the suicide rate is insane. I Wonder why it is not higher. According to German wikipedia up to 25-50% of all bipolar people attempt at least once. In 15-30% of all cases they end deadly.
I am going to kill myself because the abuse I went through as a child. I don't think I have much time left. My resources to cope are empty. I am at my pain limit.
My mom abused the shit out of me from 5 to 15. Where was he? Where was this asshole to protect me? He did not nothing. He looked away like my whole family. And even now when we talk about it noone has seen it. Noone noticed it. Noone knew about it. They all knew it. They told my mom not to be so hard to me. Nothing more.
And now when I was in this clinic for acute suicidal they dare to blame me. They were shaking. Their health is bad. But this tortured individual cannot take it anymore. I am so sick of it. I am so so sick of it. I cannot postpone my suicide until they are dead. I had to wait 20 years. Even if I wanted to. I simply can't.
I will ruin this family. And all their health. I will take this family down if I ctb or attempt. I don't want to. I genuinely don't want to. But these are the consequences of my actions.
Despite the fact I am often in the mood to kill myself recently I have to wait. I have to wait until the situation calms down. And maybe I am a little bit impulsive lately. I am not sure whether it would be a rational suicide. But I reached my pain limit.
And this is my mood this evening. How will it be tomorrow's evening. I wish died that day I almost took the SN. But I genuinely don't know whether I have what it takes to kill yourself. I am not sure whether I am determined enough. I cried for help. I think I will always do that. There are parts of me that don't want to die. I am very talkative and talking helps when I am suicidal. There are parts of me that are glad that my friends called the police. I am simply so overwhelmed by all the pain. The fact that I am in a mixed manic depressive episode does not help. I could wait to kill myself until another major depression hits. I think then the determination will be strong enough. When I hit rock bottom. At the same time being manic and on benzos while looking death into its eyes was not fully unpleasant. But I am not sure whether there was enough pain involved to go through it. I am not sure what would have happened if my friends did not call the police. Genuinely I think it was 50/50. I had my mouth at the glass. I smelled it. The thought that the thinking would stop was so relieving.
Bipolar is a living hell. I think the suicide rate is insane. I Wonder why it is not higher. According to German wikipedia up to 25-50% of all bipolar people attempt at least once. In 15-30% of all cases they end deadly.
