Discussion My brushes with death has turned me into a "Death Junkie"/ Chasing after death

[Jisatsu]

I've been constantly living on the edge of my own nervous system. I've been running on "emergency power" so long that the crisis mode became my baseline. When your body and brain are exposed to trauma, loss, or chronic stress constantly, your fight-or-flight system gets rewired. It stops waiting for "real" danger and just stays in it all the time.

That constant buzz of adrenaline, cortisol, dissociation, and emptiness creates a weird Paradox in the brain. On one hand, I feel dead inside; on the other, flirting with death gives me a pulse again. So I keep poking the wound, because it's the only thing that proves that I'm still here.
The same wiring that makes me crave chaos and death also means I have a ridiculous capacity to survive and to endure.

I've been doing research on the topic of people who attempt suicide more as a coping method then a way to fully end life. And apparently such a thing exists ... repeating attempts over and over with the hope of dying but only hitting the threshold of death over and over so you can feel more alive when it's all over. The big problem with this is that with each attempt thr body gets worse and eventually one will finally take ... or worse it doesn't and you end up a vegetable.
I hate that I find relief in attempting my life and that I never do enough to just end it . All I do is make people around me suffer because of my own suffering.
At the end of the day I tell myself I deserve each attempt each od , each hanging , and each poisoning because I'm a terrible person.

 

[itsgone2]

what relief does it bring? Do you feel'normal' for a while afterwards?

 

[Jisatsu]

what relief does it bring? Do you feel'normal' for a while afterwards?

I feel better , like a I gave myself a boost that lasts a few days.

 

[itsgone2]

I feel better , like a I gave myself a boost that lasts a few days.

Pretty vicious cycle. Though my cope is just laying around, doing nothing.

 

[Jisatsu]

Pretty vicious cycle. Though my cope is just laying around, doing nothing.

Eventually that isn't enough

 

[AreWeWinning]

I've been doing research on the topic of people who attempt suicide more as a coping method then a way to fully end life. And apparently such a thing exists ... repeating attempts over and over with the hope of dying but only hitting the threshold of death over and over so you can feel more alive when it's all over. The big problem with this is that with each attempt thr body gets worse and eventually one will finally take ... or worse it doesn't and you end up a vegetable.

An honest post. This probably explains why you have so many failed attempts.

I haven't done a lot of research on this, but I remember Thomas E. Joiner mentions this phenomenon in his lecture (see at 14:20 and 17:35 in the YouTube video).

It looks like what you're doing is basically self-harm, taken to the absolute extreme, and also with a real possibility of dying or causing yourself permanent injuries.