Venting My boyfriend will never understand.

[bonez22]

I've been trying to leave him recently. To push him away & make him think I hate him. I say mean things to him when I love him dearly. I don't want to, but I know it's the only way to ctb without causing him as much misery. He's had people he knows ctb before, so he sees the signs. I wish I could just disappear from his mind so he didn't have to worry about someone like me anymore.

 

[Worndown]

Your leaving will be painful to him regardless how you treat him now. Be nice to him and leave a good explanation in your note. Knowing why will be a bigger comfort than distance.

 

[thouxan]

I personally think this is the wrong way to go about it. You will end up hurting him even more. He has already experienced others close to him ctbing, he will be devastated no matter what. But if you truly make him believe that you hate him, that will be an additional blow to his heart. The fact that he is still here for you even though you treat him badly shows that he loves you and he will still care about you even if you push him away. If you really love him, don't treat him like this. I agree with the other comment, the best thing you can do is to give an explanation in your note.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be trapped in, it's understandable wanting to distance yourself. I hate how we exist in a world that is so anti suicide and how people cannot be open about their wish to die. It's sad that people cannot accept that suicide is the best option for us, but anyway we all have to cease existing someday.

 

[bonez22]

He knows why I want to. My sexual trauma won't let me get close to him and he hurt deeply because of it. He says "I love you, get help & we can get throught this together", but he doesn't have the struggles that I do. HE wasn't sexually assaulted multiple times by people he trusted. He will never understand what I'm going through.

 

[SexyIncél]

This comes up often. Here's my thoughts on it. tl;dr: It's a commonly regretted betrayal, just adds to the cruelty, leads to psychological hell