My boyfriend is too good for me

[burninghill]

I don't know what he sees in me. Maybe it's because he doesn't know I'm depressed but I really don't understand.

I never thought I could love someone, he makes me want to be all corny and I want to talk about him all the time. It's so nice, but even he isn't there when I visualise the desert that is my future.

It makes me feel so immeasurably guilty. I sit awake at night crying wishing I was a different person so I could love him the way he deserves.

He lost his dad and his brother in the last 6 years and I'm going to die too. What an evil person I am. I wish that I never met him, because there's no world where I could've met him and had the guts not to talk to him because I know I'm suicidal. I just wish he never existed so that I never have to let him down.

 

[wine is fine but]

you are not an evil person
you have a desire most could not begin ti understand

i read your first post on this forum, and i understand that post very well. i wanted to die long before double figures and my last attemp was when i was 20. still here over almost 4 decades later

however, you have a lot to live for. your mum will need you. you have a boyfriend you adore who should not have to lose some else whom he loves. this last one you will not understand, because it will be impossible for you to understand for a few more years. you are a child. you cannot really know what you want right now. that is not a critism, but just an accurate opinion based on experience. you are in the most difficult years for most on this site and you ate still here.

please do not do anything rash just to prove you are capable of it. just see where life takes you for a while. buses are everywhere. there will always be plenty of them to catch in the future when you really would have a much better idea of what you truly want