Venting my bf left me so now Im planning 2 ctb

[sillyprincessmeow]

ive been hitting up dealers because for the last few months ive especially become more willing to ctb. my boyfriend just ghosted me after his sister told his parents what i confided to her. It was really bad stuff but i wanted to grow with him. Now i have nothing to live for. My house is still destroyed. I feel disgusting. I have nothing and no one. I feel no joy. I just want him back. I want him so bad. Hopefully i can get some stuff from this one dude, i hope its enough. I dont want to IV it but i think i may have to? Is xanax a better way to try? I mean its just pills so if i take a bunch i mean, i should be cooked right? Would that hurt? I wish i could know all of this. I need sn and all of still if xanax or h / f wont work.
I can get access to pretty pure coke, would that work? I just dont want like.. to feel that. If it feels like a really bad anxiety attack you can count me out.
I wish pure drugs were easier to find. I wish instead of those others who died from accidental exposure it was me. I deserve it so much more. Im worthless. I create chaos. I was born in it. I just wanna escape. I hate my life more than anything.
Im planning to gather what i need on a weekend and then travel far up north to a more rural area, if possible, and ill hide under a bridge or in some bushes and take whatever i have and rest and hope for the best there. I think it would be a nice enough place for me. I just wish he stayed. He knew i wasnt gonna live without him.
Well if anyone can give any answers, that would be nice. thanks guys

 

[Cosmophobic]

Hello there.

Gonna be potentially patronizing now feel free to ignore.

Don't let someone that left you be the reason, especially through the modern social rot method that is ghosting. Lots of things don't heal but people leaving you? As much as it hurts now...those things can heal. At least give it some time.

Also I tried xanax years ago. I probably didn't take enough or something but it didn't work. Obviously lol. Just a trip to the hospital after passing out on the floor for a few hours til someone found me.

 

[iwashere]

don't have any answers but i literally broke up w my bf like a week after i joined this site and it's only added fuel to the fire. i don't want to replaced or forgotten and the only way to ensure that is by ctb because who will ever forget the ex girlfriend that killed herself. also a lot of other reasons it wouldn't be for getting back at him but it definitely encourages me at the times i want to chicken out or change my mind