Roundabout a week ago I tried to leave SS. I tried to migrate to another suicide forum due to the recent events. I even tried a pro-life mental health forum. Though almost nobody interacted with my posts. It left me sad and even more lonely. I am pretty sure I cannot make it through the christmas season without a supportive forum. So I decided to post here again. Still not fully convinced if that is a good idea but I am kind of addicted. The compassion and understanding I get here is kind of unique. I talked with my best friend about it, I showed him my goodbye thread (no ctb) and he was sad about seeing me suffer due to loss of this forum. I said maybe I can one day come back.
I talked with my mom about it. I think I already told her in the past I am visiting a suicide forum. I told her I really lack the feeling I get when I visit this forum. In the past she was kind of worried about it but when I talked with her about it she told me if it means so much for me I should go again to this website. ( She is not an ideal mom. She abused/mistreated me as a child but I had a lot of liberties. And now she is sorry for her behvior.)
Last week I also had an appoinment with my therapist and his opinion suprised me a lot. I was really worried about his opinion to this subject. I already once told him I visited a suicide forum. He was kind of confused and did not understand it. (I am not talking very often about my suicidal thoughts in therapy.) He was kind of against it to that time I think. Last week his opinion changed. I told him I have to tell him something we might have a different opinion about. I told him due to my chronical longterm-suicidal thoughts I am visiting a suicide forum for the last 1,5 years. He was kind of understanding more than my psychiatrist. I told him many people are against the forum they say it was a danger for teenagers. He told me (and I am not lying) he thinks this would apply for many things on the internet. And did not see it as a valid point. I made it clear for him I use this forum to cope with my feelings. That suicidality is something that many people don't get and that for example I get many dumb/hurtful comments in other forums or in my self-help group. I have made a lot of negative experience to open up to other people when I talked about it.
He said he sees no problem going to this suicide forum. I even said that here are sucide methods. He and I quote him said "In my opinion you are not primarily using this forum to kill yourself" and that it is fine.
Yeah I was kind of surprised. I am feeling relieved now after writing this post. The loneliness was bone-crushing. Instead I watched in the mean-time suicide relating Youtube videos which was way more depressing than writing my feelings in this forum.
I talked with my mom about it. I think I already told her in the past I am visiting a suicide forum. I told her I really lack the feeling I get when I visit this forum. In the past she was kind of worried about it but when I talked with her about it she told me if it means so much for me I should go again to this website. ( She is not an ideal mom. She abused/mistreated me as a child but I had a lot of liberties. And now she is sorry for her behvior.)
Last week I also had an appoinment with my therapist and his opinion suprised me a lot. I was really worried about his opinion to this subject. I already once told him I visited a suicide forum. He was kind of confused and did not understand it. (I am not talking very often about my suicidal thoughts in therapy.) He was kind of against it to that time I think. Last week his opinion changed. I told him I have to tell him something we might have a different opinion about. I told him due to my chronical longterm-suicidal thoughts I am visiting a suicide forum for the last 1,5 years. He was kind of understanding more than my psychiatrist. I told him many people are against the forum they say it was a danger for teenagers. He told me (and I am not lying) he thinks this would apply for many things on the internet. And did not see it as a valid point. I made it clear for him I use this forum to cope with my feelings. That suicidality is something that many people don't get and that for example I get many dumb/hurtful comments in other forums or in my self-help group. I have made a lot of negative experience to open up to other people when I talked about it.
He said he sees no problem going to this suicide forum. I even said that here are sucide methods. He and I quote him said "In my opinion you are not primarily using this forum to kill yourself" and that it is fine.
Yeah I was kind of surprised. I am feeling relieved now after writing this post. The loneliness was bone-crushing. Instead I watched in the mean-time suicide relating Youtube videos which was way more depressing than writing my feelings in this forum.
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