Venting My assaulter gets to walk free

[CatAstro.Fee]

I got sexually assaulted in college, I got blamed for it by two people including a family member because "why didn't you do anything" and for "leading them on". They still get to go there because I have no evidence. They isolated me from people and I tried to tell them what happened to me but it doesn't really matter if they're going to believe an assaulter does it...


I'm just really upset! Upset I even let them near me in the first place. Thinking they can do whatever they want. I shouldn't blame myself but I do. I reciprocated even when I didn't want to. The entire time I didn't want it at all.


I live in a place too many people don't like me. Genuinely for no good reason except for standing my ground and trying to be good to myself or other people. And every time, I'm just not believed. I'm never believed about anything that happens, especially by staff that are supposed to protect me.


I want to stay here but I think I actually have to move. It just feels like I'm a target to everyone. Since I've gotten my first taste of social interaction. People just want to use me and harm me. Especially here. It's not the nicest place but I've met kind strangers and friends. I don't understand why it's so hard for people to just be kind. I want to give up on this place and leave but I don't even know where to go and it's scary to think about living somewhere I've never been.

I just don't want to live anymore. I'm not good when it comes to being a friend or partner. I've said so much things I shouldn't to people that didn't deserve it. I have been childish towards people and still am. I am extremely childish to the point I cringe at everything I do. I just can't take this. I rarely meet kind genuine people, and often meet evil people who just want to hurt me. I don't want to live with all these awful memories or being in fear of coming to contact with these people again.

Im so isolated from everything physically, I live in a fucking small town. I don't hate everything completely. I want to experience life and get a taste of independence. I tried that little bit in college and it was just...like being eaten by hyenas. People that have nothing but hate in their heart and can't own up to anything they did.

I miss my ex so much. I wasn't good to them. I don't think I'll ever be because we're too different. I just can't do this man. I've been touched and cursed at and lied to. Everything. I'm so done. I've been done for years. I just wish I did it sooner before I got sexually assaulted again. I wish I did it before our inevitable break up. I don't want to live in a world people can do this to me anymore. I don't want to deal with trusting people and they turn their back on me. Even though i've done the same.

I just want to go back in time. I keep looking up how to go back in time. I don't even wholeheartedly believe it, but I will if it ever happens. I keep hoping I wake up and I'm a child again. But the best thing I can hope for is waking up as someone else. I was set up to fail from the start. I never stood a chance with the many factors that made me. No one deserves this life I've lived. I used to believe in free will but it really is the environment that shapes you. I don't want to be shaped by such disgusting fucking hands. I just wanna die. Die in my sleep. Nothing I hope for ever comes, quite the opposite.

 

[soul2realm]

It must hurt like hell! And the bad part is that you are the one who's suffering and not your assaulters. Life can be and kind of is messed up like that. And the worst part is no matter how much we shout, cry , plead or even sometimes pray, it does not get any better.
I am so sorry it happened to you. Really hoping something good quickly happens to you. Loads of love and blessings to you.

 

[lita-lassi]

i was assaulted several times and no one would help. the cops didn't want to do their job, my partner got to rob me of my entire life's possessions and be scott free after strangling me. victim blaming is the scummiest thing society regularly does and it is enough to drive people absolutely insane.

if you can, move away. your friends or anyone who said it's your fault aren't your friends. start over, live your own life on your terms and respect yourself enough to tell anyone who said you getting assaulted was your fault to suck an egg. it's hard and exhausting but being anywhere away from where the worst has happened is a way to ease the mind away from it.

i really hope things get better for you and im so sorry this happened

 

[Lady_V]

I know this probably doesn't help, but I have evidence, like fully documented medical evidence, and even my case still went nowhere.

I rarely meet kind genuine people, and often meet evil people who just want to hurt me. I don't want to live with all these awful memories or being in fear of coming to contact with these people again.

I genuinely relate with this feeling. Doesn't matter if they are friends or partners, I just find myself surrounded by people who abuse me verbally, physically, or sexually.

I'm really sorry society is like this. I am sorry society not only turns a blind eye to rapists but also celebrates them and welcomes them in a lot of cases, while victims get ignored at best, blamed/punished at worst. This is a twisted place and it really does feel like no one cares.