busrider
Member
- Aug 10, 2024
- 16
just a regular venting, because I have an anxiety disorder and I am(wow who might think) ANXIOUS. I like to write everything in detail, because it's calming me, as if I write it, it will be like the script that my life will follow. My SN must arrive on the 27th with water, cups, test strips, weights and pipette. I have ordered not from some chemical company, but from a private person, but he attaches certificates and in any case I will check the purity. I do this only because the company's order starts from a few kilograms of SN, and I obviously don't need that much.
On the afternoon of the 29th my family will return from vacation, so I plan to get up this day at about 5:00-6:00, walk my dog, drink the necessary pills and then SN. My mother said that they leave around 9:00, I googled the tickets for this day (later I will just ask her the exact time), they should arrive in Moscow at about 12:30. The drive home will take 3 more maximum 4 hours, that is, around 16:00 they will be home. so I will have about 9 hours after the SN AND before their appearance.
I really don't want to make them worry while flight and on the way home. but they will definitely be worried at least because I won't answer their messages. It is ok if I don't answer at 9:00 when they're just getting on the plane because we don't walk our dog in the morning, he likes to sleep too, we only walk at 12:00 and in the evening, which means I have to wake up by their time of landing in Moscow at 12:30 and text back.
as an option I can take the SN after their landing, but that means I have less than 4 hours before they arrive. The guide said that death occurs within 40 minutes - 4 hours. I'm just scared that I might need all 4 hours (anxiety disorder AGAIN).
I don't know, it's driving me crazy. That's all I can think about. I want to finish this ASAP, but at the same time I do not want to disturb them while their homecoming. I mean, they'll be incredibly sad when they find me, but still. AGHHHH
The more I think about it, the more scary it gets to me. For the last year, I've been thinking about death every EVERY GODDAMN day. I originally thought about partial or full hanging, but I'm very afraid of pain (even if it will only last a minute or two until I lose consciousness), then, looking at different resources, I learned about the method with inert gases, In search of information I went to this site and then learned about SN, which still seems the most optimal in my conditions. Even after numerous posts where people in their last minutes saying (writing) that they felt only a slight discomfort or people who was saved said it was absolutely peaceful, something keep scaring me. It's the same feeling I get when I have to give a talk in front of my study group. the same way I felt every time I went to meet my friends. when I needed to make a call. fucking anxiety.
I know that I just need to take the SN and in 10-20 minutes I'll lose consciousness, and in 40-4 hours it will finally be over. but I'm still scared.
I'm writing this because I don't even have anyone to share it with. I only have a few friends left, but I can't write them like hey, I'm worried because in a week I'm going to CTB, could you please help me to calm down? hah
I will be glad to get any message under this post so I will know that at least someone has read it and I am not alone.
What do you think about the time of taking SN? final decision will still be mine, but I am interested in your opinion
1) take the SN early in the morning (or maybe when they get on the plane; before that wish them a good flight), but then my family will worry all the way home from the airport.
2) take the SN when they already land, but then I will have about 4 hours before their return.
I am so worried about these 4 hours because there is probably some correlation between the weight of the person and the speed of SN action, I am 162 cm and weigh 80 kg (5' 3 and 12st 8lb).
On the afternoon of the 29th my family will return from vacation, so I plan to get up this day at about 5:00-6:00, walk my dog, drink the necessary pills and then SN. My mother said that they leave around 9:00, I googled the tickets for this day (later I will just ask her the exact time), they should arrive in Moscow at about 12:30. The drive home will take 3 more maximum 4 hours, that is, around 16:00 they will be home. so I will have about 9 hours after the SN AND before their appearance.
I really don't want to make them worry while flight and on the way home. but they will definitely be worried at least because I won't answer their messages. It is ok if I don't answer at 9:00 when they're just getting on the plane because we don't walk our dog in the morning, he likes to sleep too, we only walk at 12:00 and in the evening, which means I have to wake up by their time of landing in Moscow at 12:30 and text back.
as an option I can take the SN after their landing, but that means I have less than 4 hours before they arrive. The guide said that death occurs within 40 minutes - 4 hours. I'm just scared that I might need all 4 hours (anxiety disorder AGAIN).
I don't know, it's driving me crazy. That's all I can think about. I want to finish this ASAP, but at the same time I do not want to disturb them while their homecoming. I mean, they'll be incredibly sad when they find me, but still. AGHHHH
The more I think about it, the more scary it gets to me. For the last year, I've been thinking about death every EVERY GODDAMN day. I originally thought about partial or full hanging, but I'm very afraid of pain (even if it will only last a minute or two until I lose consciousness), then, looking at different resources, I learned about the method with inert gases, In search of information I went to this site and then learned about SN, which still seems the most optimal in my conditions. Even after numerous posts where people in their last minutes saying (writing) that they felt only a slight discomfort or people who was saved said it was absolutely peaceful, something keep scaring me. It's the same feeling I get when I have to give a talk in front of my study group. the same way I felt every time I went to meet my friends. when I needed to make a call. fucking anxiety.
I know that I just need to take the SN and in 10-20 minutes I'll lose consciousness, and in 40-4 hours it will finally be over. but I'm still scared.
I'm writing this because I don't even have anyone to share it with. I only have a few friends left, but I can't write them like hey, I'm worried because in a week I'm going to CTB, could you please help me to calm down? hah
I will be glad to get any message under this post so I will know that at least someone has read it and I am not alone.
What do you think about the time of taking SN? final decision will still be mine, but I am interested in your opinion
1) take the SN early in the morning (or maybe when they get on the plane; before that wish them a good flight), but then my family will worry all the way home from the airport.
2) take the SN when they already land, but then I will have about 4 hours before their return.
I am so worried about these 4 hours because there is probably some correlation between the weight of the person and the speed of SN action, I am 162 cm and weigh 80 kg (5' 3 and 12st 8lb).
