Venting My absurd reason to not CTB just yet

[perishsong]

Not sure if I'm posting in the right place, and I apologize if I didn't.

Naturally, one reason I'm not CTBing is the overwhelming fear of what if I fail, the consequences being far more terrifying than my current existence. But another reason is so stupid that I might as well entertain it while I'm still around.

You know these sorta memoirs for people who pass away? Basically the highlight reel of their achievements, a celebration of their deeds and personality and all, and their significance in the lives of others close to them. You can frequently hear these in true crime podcasts. "So and so volunteered in an outdoor kitchen, worked as a NICU nurse and donated their kidney to their sister" type thing.

Bear with me because it's stupid, but... Given that my CTB could be considered "tragic" (i.e. premature and not "natural"), my then-memoir would be laughably bleak.

"Here lies perishsong. It was a rotting fruit of a predatory tryst between a meth lab criminal and his 20 years younger side chick. Perishsong kinda existed, and it did a thing or two in its short life. RIP".

Maybe it's a thinly veiled scream to do something with my life. Maybe it's my brain's pathetic attempt to increase my SI. But I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[Jadeith]

"Here lies perishsong, unjustly summoned to this realm by failure parents. Despite toxic environment, being surrounded by substance abuse and questionable morals, perishsong was able to survive against all odd THIS, FUCKING, LONG! May the road ahead be painless and kind to them."

 

[EmptyBottle]

Not sure if the meth quote would be on the epitaph, could be "battled with addiction" or similar, or "lost their way"... tho at the same time, people try to find nice things to write on them, eg "Here lies [name] [dates], missed by [name] and [name], forever in our hearts"

Everyone has their reasons for choosing to exist or not exist.. some are also in an undecided state too.

As for me, I'm in the state where I don't mind living, but think of ideas for CTB in the event conditions turn south, tho I doubt I'd put those ideas into practice.

The reasons for CTB in the imagined scenario can literally be "about to pay at restaurant, didn't have card, took an irreversible powder", yep, quite silly when other solutions like giving the restaurant contact details (and showing the phone to help prove they are real) can sometimes work (and are less absurd).