My 20th Birthday

[burninghill]

6 months ago, I'd have told you theres absolutely no fucking chance I'm turning 20.

My birthday in late April and I'm still here. I told myself I'd stay alive for my sisters first concert (which I am escorting her to because our mum has become disabled and can't), the concert is in 3 days.
I'm still suicidal and depressed, nothing has really gotten better. I keep repeating this cycle of feeling violently suicidal for a few months, then returning to numbness. I'm in the numb part again. I remember telling myself in the peak of my suicidality that if the cycle ever repeated that I had to kill myself regardless because I'll always be suicidal again. It's not that easy, unfortunately.

I'm trying to make a plan and arrange dates to hold myself accountable to. I'm going to go for one last hurrah on a solo trip for my 20th.

I was supposed to invite all my friends over and go camping with them, but I've lost all my friends since my last two attempts due to self isolation and their lack of forgiveness. They're also terrible people. My point being that I'm very alone. Sometimes I stay awake at night thinking about how much better things would be if I could sit in the park with someone, smoke and tell them all my thoughts. I know I'm still young, connections are still yet to be made, but I'm so lonely. I'm also terrible at upholding relationships. I tend to ruin them.

That turned into a bit of a ramble, but my point is that... hey, I'll somehow be seeing my 20th birthday.

 

[peachplushes]

Happy early birthday, I'm glad for you. Not quite the same thing but I remember crying when I turned 18 bc i was like "wtf, I wasn't supposed to live this long." I'm 21 now. It sucks. I can relate to the cycle too, sometimes good things happen to me but who I am fundamentally never changes.

It's sweet of you to do that for your sister. My brother is in choir but he's literally such a fucking asshole. So I'm glad you and your sister are close (kind of assuming)

also I love asuka, shes suicidal person rep. also if your user is a mitski ref i love a burning hill as well lol

 

[burninghill]

Happy early birthday, I'm glad for you. Not quite the same thing but I remember crying when I turned 18 bc i was like "wtf, I wasn't supposed to live this long." I'm 21 now. It sucks. I can relate to the cycle too, sometimes good things happen to me but who I am fundamentally never changes.

It's sweet of you to do that for your sister. My brother is in choir but he's literally such a fucking asshole. So I'm glad you and your sister are close (kind of assuming)

also I love asuka, shes suicidal person rep. also if your user is a mitski ref i love a burning hill as well lol

Me and my sister are somewhat close! I find her quite overwhelming at times but I don't dislike her as a person by any means. Siblings can definitely be a mixed bag, I've had my fair share of friends with great siblings but an equal amount with shitty ones.

Also, yeah, It is a Mitski reference! I had to change my account because it appeared in a YouTube video and Asuka + Mitski were the first few things that came to mind! Awesome to see someone else on here who likes them!!

 

[peachplushes]

Me and my sister are somewhat close! I find her quite overwhelming at times but I don't dislike her as a person by any means. Siblings can definitely be a mixed bag, I've had my fair share of friends with great siblings but an equal amount with shitty ones.

Also, yeah, It is a Mitski reference! I had to change my account because it appeared in a YouTube video and Asuka + Mitski were the first few things that came to mind! Awesome to see someone else on here who likes them!!

Ah I get that. My brother just recently turned 18 and he has his drivers test on Thursday. He's fine sometimes, but he can be super rude and thinks he's hot shit.

Also oh no :(( how did your acc end up in a YT video?

 

[betterinthedark]

6 months ago, I'd have told you theres absolutely no fucking chance I'm turning 20.

My birthday in late April and I'm still here. I told myself I'd stay alive for my sisters first concert (which I am escorting her to because our mum has become disabled and can't), the concert is in 3 days.
I'm still suicidal and depressed, nothing has really gotten better. I keep repeating this cycle of feeling violently suicidal for a few months, then returning to numbness. I'm in the numb part again. I remember telling myself in the peak of my suicidality that if the cycle ever repeated that I had to kill myself regardless because I'll always be suicidal again. It's not that easy, unfortunately.

I'm trying to make a plan and arrange dates to hold myself accountable to. I'm going to go for one last hurrah on a solo trip for my 20th.

I was supposed to invite all my friends over and go camping with them, but I've lost all my friends since my last two attempts due to self isolation and their lack of forgiveness. They're also terrible people. My point being that I'm very alone. Sometimes I stay awake at night thinking about how much better things would be if I could sit in the park with someone, smoke and tell them all my thoughts. I know I'm still young, connections are still yet to be made, but I'm so lonely. I'm also terrible at upholding relationships. I tend to ruin them.

That turned into a bit of a ramble, but my point is that... hey, I'll somehow be seeing my 20th birthday.

I hope you'd make it to more birthdays. Take time to find out how you can forgive yourself, it's the most rewarding part of recovery in my opinion.
Also, I'm turning 20 in late April too April 26th! And an Asuka pfp my favorite character ever

 

[burninghill]

Ah I get that. My brother just recently turned 18 and he has his drivers test on Thursday. He's fine sometimes, but he can be super rude and thinks he's hot shit.

Also oh no :(( how did your acc end up in a YT video?

I'm not going to share the video name or anything for the privacy of the other people mentioned but some asshole made a video criticising the site and included screenshots of forum pages and select posts.

 

[Ligottian]

I'm 65. How many of you guys think you can make it that long?

 

[burninghill]

I'm 65. How many of you guys think you can make it that long?

Certainly not myself. How's life treating you?

 

[Ligottian]

Certainly not myself. How's life treating you?

Pretty much like shit. But as my dear, late old Dad would would say, it could be worse.

 

[Bassem]

6 months ago, I'd have told you theres absolutely no fucking chance I'm turning 20.

My birthday in late April and I'm still here. I told myself I'd stay alive for my sisters first concert (which I am escorting her to because our mum has become disabled and can't), the concert is in 3 days.
I'm still suicidal and depressed, nothing has really gotten better. I keep repeating this cycle of feeling violently suicidal for a few months, then returning to numbness. I'm in the numb part again. I remember telling myself in the peak of my suicidality that if the cycle ever repeated that I had to kill myself regardless because I'll always be suicidal again. It's not that easy, unfortunately.

I'm trying to make a plan and arrange dates to hold myself accountable to. I'm going to go for one last hurrah on a solo trip for my 20th.

I was supposed to invite all my friends over and go camping with them, but I've lost all my friends since my last two attempts due to self isolation and their lack of forgiveness. They're also terrible people. My point being that I'm very alone. Sometimes I stay awake at night thinking about how much better things would be if I could sit in the park with someone, smoke and tell them all my thoughts. I know I'm still young, connections are still yet to be made, but I'm so lonely. I'm also terrible at upholding relationships. I tend to ruin them.

That turned into a bit of a ramble, but my point is that... hey, I'll somehow be seeing my 20th birthday.

This has been my exact same experience, I deeply dread birthdays ,such a sore terrible reminder, I have been in the same cycle as you since I was 17. I turn 21 early April, and since Im in a terrible state I think I'll go ahead and off myself on my birthday. I can't suffer any longer and I don't want to wait until my niece(the only person I truly love) is grown up enough to know who I am or miss me or ask questions about me, I wouldn't wanna do anything like that to her