I had a pretty decent life going for me until 9 months ago, when I decided to participate in a group mushroom ceremony facilitated by two Santo Daime adherents, naively assuming they would be compassionate and skilled space holders.
I took 3.5 grams of mushrooms, thinking it would be a bit difficult compared to the 2 grams I had taken on my own twice, but that I was experienced enough to handle it.
The mushrooms were indeed powerful, and I needed to go down to the floor and hold on tight. Except the main facilitator came over to me and asked if I would go outside with him. We went outside and while I tried to explain that the mushrooms were overwhelming, he told me I needed to 'get in my masculine' and 'stay centered'. I went back inside one or two more times but always needed to go down to the ground instead of sitting up, after which this facilitator would continually take me outside in the cold and tell me that other participants had 'parents who were dying'.
At some point, a switch flipped and i suddenly believed i had went through a portal and got myself stuck in an eternal hell realm. I believed it was over...that time had stopped and I was never getting out of there. Other group participants faces looked demonic in a real way. I eventually got on my phone, called parents, and dialed 911. They came and asked me if I wanted an ambulance, which I agreed to (I guess I was too disoriented and panicked to get myself an uber).
All of the Emergency personnel in the ambulance had demonic faces, and everyone in the ER were 'demons' just fucking with me (in my own reality of course). And I believed I was stuck there FOREVER.
Eventually the mushrooms wore off and things looked normal. But my Nervous System has never recovered. Severe Insomnia and Anxiety/Panic were high for the first 4-5 months. I got on Zoloft and maybe it helps keep the panic in check, but my nerves are still tingling in my legs every single day. The terror and 'demonic' feeling continue to lie just beneath the surface maybe 75%+ of my waking life.
There are some more meds I can try, and things like TMS...but the destruction of my previous life is nearly impossible to swallow.
I shutter at the impact unaliving would have on my ageing parents and to a lesser extent siblings...And I'm terrified of death and potential spiritual consequences (like the kind of inescapability I experienced during the trip)...But I can not simply endure this mental torment every single day without any end in site. Either way this feels like a true nightmare.
I took 3.5 grams of mushrooms, thinking it would be a bit difficult compared to the 2 grams I had taken on my own twice, but that I was experienced enough to handle it.
The mushrooms were indeed powerful, and I needed to go down to the floor and hold on tight. Except the main facilitator came over to me and asked if I would go outside with him. We went outside and while I tried to explain that the mushrooms were overwhelming, he told me I needed to 'get in my masculine' and 'stay centered'. I went back inside one or two more times but always needed to go down to the ground instead of sitting up, after which this facilitator would continually take me outside in the cold and tell me that other participants had 'parents who were dying'.
At some point, a switch flipped and i suddenly believed i had went through a portal and got myself stuck in an eternal hell realm. I believed it was over...that time had stopped and I was never getting out of there. Other group participants faces looked demonic in a real way. I eventually got on my phone, called parents, and dialed 911. They came and asked me if I wanted an ambulance, which I agreed to (I guess I was too disoriented and panicked to get myself an uber).
All of the Emergency personnel in the ambulance had demonic faces, and everyone in the ER were 'demons' just fucking with me (in my own reality of course). And I believed I was stuck there FOREVER.
Eventually the mushrooms wore off and things looked normal. But my Nervous System has never recovered. Severe Insomnia and Anxiety/Panic were high for the first 4-5 months. I got on Zoloft and maybe it helps keep the panic in check, but my nerves are still tingling in my legs every single day. The terror and 'demonic' feeling continue to lie just beneath the surface maybe 75%+ of my waking life.
There are some more meds I can try, and things like TMS...but the destruction of my previous life is nearly impossible to swallow.
I shutter at the impact unaliving would have on my ageing parents and to a lesser extent siblings...And I'm terrified of death and potential spiritual consequences (like the kind of inescapability I experienced during the trip)...But I can not simply endure this mental torment every single day without any end in site. Either way this feels like a true nightmare.
