Discussion Mourning what life could’ve been like

[sickofwaiting]

I often think about what my life could've been like, had xyz never happened, where the point of no return was, when my chances of recovery hit 0, etc…

Trying to pinpoint what put me on this path only makes me feel like I had no chance at all, and that I was pretty much doomed since birth.

I guess my question is do you guys wonder the same? Have you been able to narrow down what made you like this? Feel this way? Do you think there was a catalyst, or even a point where someone could've successfully intervened and helped you turn things around?

 

[twistedtransistor69]

I can definitely think of a few moments in my life that put me on this path, things I regret doing and not doing, how if I had been treated differently I could be normal. But no matter what happened to me in the past, I believe it is ultimately my fault that I am where I am now because I could change and be better but every day I choose to stay the same.

 

[sickofwaiting]

I can definitely think of a few moments in my life that put me on this path, things I regret doing and not doing, how if I had been treated differently I could be normal. But no matter what happened to me in the past, I believe it is ultimately my fault that I am where I am now because I could change and be better but every day I choose to stay the same.

I understand what you mean. A major belief of mine is that the chances of anything happening in life are never 0. No matter how unlikely it is, tomorrow I could wake up and the sky could be green. And I apply this to everything in life. Yet I strongly feel that I was doomed from the start, and the dissonance between these ideas is troubling me.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

I guess my question is do you guys wonder the same? Have you been able to narrow down what made you like this? Feel this way? Do you think there was a catalyst, or even a point where someone could've successfully intervened and helped you turn things around?

Yes, I do, and I totally understand what brought me here and what I can/can't do to change it. I feel like I was doomed since the beginning too, as well as people could have helped me until I reach 30's, once I gave too many chances and believed in a better life - that never came. Now it's too late, I gave up, and thinking about death is something that brings me relief. Idk about you, but I have the perception that I didn't deserve this destiny.

 

[sickofwaiting]

Yes, I do, and I totally understand what brought me here and what I can/can't do to change it. I feel like I was doomed since the beginning too, as well as people could have helped me until I reach 30's, once I gave too many chances and believed in a better life - that never came. Now it's too late, I gave up, and thinking about death is something that brings me relief. Idk about you, but I have the perception that I didn't deserve this destiny.

I haven't thought deeply about wether or not I "deserve" this destiny. Of course I have my "woe is me" moments, but thinking about it now, with a clear(ish) mind, I think it's impossible to deserve ones destiny.

Destiny requires that everything be prewritten, and we typically base what someone deserves around their choices and moral quality. Your destiny was not only prewritten before you could prove your character, but your destiny/the events in your life influence your character. Destiny precedes + informs and therefore is not dependent on.

Sorry if this isn't super coherent/I used the wrong words/wtv.

 

[identity0]

I think about it a lot. There were several dominating factors and key moments. I could have changed everything with a click of a mouse at some points. Or sending one text message instead of deleting it. Maybe. Everything is so chaotic. Even the things we would have done differently might have lead to an even worse outcome. It's not possible to know. I don't blame myself at all because all of my life experiences have shown me that my actions have unintended consequences. Trying hard at something, or choosing difficult paths and overcoming them, or being brave... None of it has any correlation to whether i get a good result. We are just being thrown around in brutal waves of chaos.

 

[sickofwaiting]

I think about it a lot. There were several dominating factors and key moments. I could have changed everything with a click of a mouse at some points. Or sending one text message instead of deleting it. Maybe. Everything is so chaotic. Even the things we would have done differently might have lead to an even worse outcome. It's not possible to know. I don't blame myself at all because all of my life experiences have shown me that my actions have unintended consequences. Trying hard at something, or choosing difficult paths and overcoming them, or being brave... None of it has any correlation to whether i get a good result. We are just being thrown around in brutal waves of chaos.

I'm not sure agree that whether or not one gets a good result is completely out of their control, something for me to think on. Though to some degree, you're definitely right.

 

[sadpigeon]

i know the exact thing that set me down this path of failure. when i was very young, like 8, i began a medication called zoloft to manage my anxiety. not only did it not work, but it made me gain 100lbs and give me a complete personality change. until i quit zoloft my personality had completely changed. i was mean, i would fight, i was abusive, i was a liar, a liar so bad that i almost got my sibling into some legal trouble for something that wasn't true. even though im not like that anymore, everything that i did still happened and my actions haunt me. me ctb is more of an execution, revenge for everything ive done.

 

[Catchingdabus27]

Considering I was abused as an infant, I think I was doomed from the start.

Been reflecting on this a lil these days and yeahhh... I feel like I tried pretty hard but... Definitely made a lot of lasting mistakes. Treatment or things that were supposed to help made a lot of things worse too.

Abuse reveals itself as healing takes place. So I feel like I never had all the info.

Yeah I feel like the effort I put in was never per say "enough" or going to be.

Chicken or the egg type of wondering.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely wonder about it. Mostly if my Mum hadn't died when I was 3, therefore my Dad didn't re-marry and, I didn't have the experiences I did with a (suspected) narcissist. I think that very much threw me on a coping mechanism course rather than a balanced life.

The weirder thing is, I don't even know that I want all that now. I definitely don't want the effort of trying to achieve it.

I suppose one of my favourite phrases is: 'It is what it is'. As in- it's bad but, I don't have the energy to change it anymore.

It's weird. Sometimes, it is possible to imagine being a different person and, life having taken a different course. Weirdly though, death still seems more appealing.

 

[csdfghjjk_user]

I believe there were a few points that maybe could have prevented this "no-return" depression-dementia-like symptoms in Oct 2024. But maybe it would have just prolonged it in a way that I hit it differently? But I feel I have been mostly responsible for all this by myself which is even more frustrating since it was all in my hand and my own stupidity ruining everything.

For me it's

1. 2022: Not staying in a job and city where I felt first time happy-ish in a job, loved the aliveness of the city and people and felt as if I fit the first time in my life but I chose to go back to my then fiancé and other job bc of stability and responsibility.

2. 2023: Not commiting to a relationship which eventually ended up in a breakup (bc I was set on some stupid ideas and solo-traveling)

3. 2023: Not quitting my other job and flat to go traveling, taking a fixed off-period instead (like many suggested but I somehow didn't want to listen??)

3. 2024 At the end of my travels commit to a part-time job and place to keep me active/in a routine while transitioning/looking for a new job instead of dreaming and idealising ideas

There are a few mistakes taking place before that shaped me and my following steps a lot and I kind of wonder, how my life would have turned out if I didn't experience some things, maybe I would have been more normal. I somehow always was able to turn it around and shift my life into a good direction. I believed if I just try hard enough I can achieve what want, even if it's going to take longer, that's fine. But somehow nothing worked and I fucked up greatly given the opportunities I was given at the time and how I treated them. I don't understand that I didn't treat them more seriously and feel my early 20ish self would have been smarter than late 20ish self and it upsets me so much.

And when I read about everyone else's stories who struggle with real problems or lived through horrible trauma, I feel terrible since I could have prevented my fate and even typing this makes me feel stupid that I feel so sorry for myself. Now I live with my parents, unemployed, can't even do the basic tasks, feel like the utmost failure, I have so much hatred inside. I feel like it's some sort of karma maybe. I don't feel I can ask for compassion and I want the earth to swallow me.

And the worst, my parents don't deserve this. They sacrificed so much to provide me with the best resources and somehow I fuck up.