Venting Mourning myself

[hopeless08]

I've realized that I will never be happy again, never experience joy and excitement and as sad as it is I told myself that, that is my reality.
I will never feel hope again.
The person I was has died and I'm grieving and mourning the loss of my old self. It's heartbreaking but it's reality.
I have to accept the new me that I despise.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you suffer, existence really is too cruel, it's cruel how people have to suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I've realized that I will never be happy again, never experience joy and excitement and as sad as it is I told myself that, that is my reality.
I will never feel hope again.
The person I was has died and I'm grieving and mourning the loss of my old self. It's heartbreaking but it's reality.
I have to accept the new me that I despise.

I feel very much the same. The death of self and loss of all hope was triggered by the death of my partner, a big part of me died when he did as did all vestige of hope for better. He was my better. I miss who I was before and I'm also mourning the future we no longer get to have together. It all overlaps really.

What's left feels much like an empty husk. I empathise as it's a horrible way to feel - still breathing, but largely dead inside. X

 

[hopeless08]

I feel very much the same. The death of self and loss of all hope was triggered by the death of my partner, a big part of me died when he did as did all vestige of hope for better. He was my better. I miss who I was before and I'm also mourning the future we no longer get to have together. It all overlaps really.

What's left feels much like an empty husk. I empathise as it's a horrible way to feel - still breathing, but largely dead inside. X

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can imagine that you're mourning for the person you used to be, the life you used to feel inside you but all we can do for now is learn to accept it until we find peace somehow.
Sending you hugs

 

[Tesha]

This is a conversation I have fairly often with my psychologist. I hate who I've become - but apparently I'm expected to acknowledge and accept who I now am and while I won't be the person I was before, I can still find happiness and a future in the person I've become.

I'll probably have more chance of finding £10,000 down the back of my sofa….

 

[hopeless08]

This is a conversation I have fairly often with my psychologist. I hate who I've become - but apparently I'm expected to acknowledge and accept who I now am and while I won't be the person I was before, I can still find happiness and a future in the person I've become.

I'll probably have more chance of finding £10,000 down the back of my sofa….

Yeah I don't want to be negative but I don't really see myself being or finding happiness with the person I've become.
You have to love yourself to find happiness but how do I do that when I hate myself so much. It's really sad but it's reality. I'm sorry you're going through it too

 

[Tesha]

Yeah I don't want to be negative but I don't really see myself being or finding happiness with the person I've become.
You have to love yourself to find happiness but how do I do that when I hate myself so much. It's really sad but it's reality. I'm sorry you're going through it too

I wish I could offer you any insight, but I can't really.

When you have friends or family that you don't like, you can walk away and not have them in your life. But, when it's yourself that you no longer like, there's really not that many options. I'm currently 'tolerating' myself while I try to find something I like or I'm able to change a bit.

It's really hard when we've been so broken apart we're now suicidal - it's nigh on impossible to reconstruct the same person again.

 

[hopeless08]

I wish I could offer you any insight, but I can't really.

When you have friends or family that you don't like, you can walk away and not have them in your life. But, when it's yourself that you no longer like, there's really not that many options. I'm currently 'tolerating' myself while I try to find something I like or I'm able to change a bit.

It's really hard when we've been so broken apart we're now suicidal - it's nigh on impossible to reconstruct the same person again.

Yes exactly you can get away from people you don't like but when it's yourself that you hate there no getting away. It's a horrible feeling to have to go through life feeling this way. Like you said it's impossible to go back and become the person you once were and the really hard part for me is seeing or hearing anything that reminds me of the old me… meaning looking at past pictures, hearing music from those times even seeing people from my past, I had to cut off everything and everyone because memories of how I was in the past, the person I was, the happiness I felt, hurts me so much to remember.

 

[LaughingGoat]

I relate very strongly to what you are feeling. The positive aspect of it for me has been that once I gave up on hope that things would change, I became fully set on ctb and stopped doubting the decision.

 

[ggtree]

I hate myself too. I came out as trans about a year ago and since then my family has abandoned me almost entirely, my parents especially hate me now, my wife just left our seven year marriage for someone she met online a few months ago, saying she just "fell out of love with me" and that she needs to move on to be happy, I have no career, can't go back to school, thousands of dollars of debt, I live in a extremely conservative area and get harassed and threatened almost every time I go outside, not to mention the laws my state keeps passing to restrict rights and healthcare for trans people. I will likely be homeless soon. Almost nobody I know even talks to me anymore, and when they do they just tell me shit like I need to just be okay with being alone and just love myself more. But I don't. Everything and everyone I've ever cared about has abandoned and rejected me, and me trying to "love myself" is the direct cause of that in so many instances. I'm not going to try anymore. I hate everything about myself and I know I have no future. All that's left is this intense pain for everything I thought I had, the love and security I used to have even though I was miserable in my identity then. But even the pain is fading. More and more I just feel anxious to not have to wake up another morning.

 

[hopeless08]

I hate myself too. I came out as trans about a year ago and since then my family has abandoned me almost entirely, my parents especially hate me now, my wife just left our seven year marriage for someone she met online a few months ago, saying she just "fell out of love with me" and that she needs to move on to be happy, I have no career, can't go back to school, thousands of dollars of debt, I live in a extremely conservative area and get harassed and threatened almost every time I go outside, not to mention the laws my state keeps passing to restrict rights and healthcare for trans people. I will likely be homeless soon. Almost nobody I know even talks to me anymore, and when they do they just tell me shit like I need to just be okay with being alone and just love myself more. But I don't. Everything and everyone I've ever cared about has abandoned and rejected me, and me trying to "love myself" is the direct cause of that in so many instances. I'm not going to try anymore. I hate everything about myself and I know I have no future. All that's left is this intense pain for everything I thought I had, the love and security I used to have even though I was miserable in my identity then. But even the pain is fading. More and more I just feel anxious to not have to wake up another morning.

Omg your story is heartbreaking. I feel so sad for you. Everything is crashing down on you at the same time. I really feel for you.
It's so unjust for the law to restrict the rights and healthcare for trans people, I can't imagine what it must be like to have to face the abandonment and harassment all the time.
I honestly have no words, I wish I could do something to help you, make you feel better. I understand the feeling of self loathing and it's a horrible thing that goes with you no matter where you go.
It's easy for people to say, you have to love yourself, but how???
Listen pm me anytime night or day,
anytime you feel like venting.
You're not alone I'm sure many people on here don't feel good about themselves.

 

[ggtree]

Thank you for your kind words. I didn't mean to hijack your thread, just trying to commiserate I guess. I know things aren't going to get better, and I'm just tired all the time now. Starting to think about ways to CTB. I don't want to be homeless. So I guess I just know what you mean when you say you know you'll never feel happiness or hope again.