57f Forever Suicidal

[dust-in-the-wind]

Well I thought my mental health was finally stabilizing from this last bed ridden, non functional depressive episode lasting 3 fucking years!! Not really sure how I didn't die from a blodclot or malnutrition. Based on prior horrific experience, I never knew depression could reach this even deeper level of hell. I now think there may be no limit to the amount of suffering that can be inflicted upon a person, which is so absolutely terrifying in itself. My psychiatrist, who is now retiring, has even told me he has never seen a case so bad as me. I think my brain is truly fucked now. It's been a lifelong battle that I could manage with medication changes, but nothing works any more. I recently tried HRT as a last ditch effort and it actually helped! I felt 75% better for 2 months and didn't think about killing myself every day. It was a nice break, but the thoughts are creeping back in with uncontrollable crying episodes. What is wrong with me!? All I think about now is how old I am and that my life is basically over and all I have to look forward to is becoming sick, decrepit and demented. I've watched this play out with my own family members. It's so traumatizing, I don't understand why everyone just doesn't off themselves to avoid this from happening. Normal brains can live in the moment, find joy in the little things and not worry about the future. Well not my brain and at my age there is no way it is going to miraculously change it's thought processing. Reality is a matter of perception and my perception of reality is very dark and nihilistic. Thanks for reading my vent. I wish you all well

 

[EternalShore]

I'm really sorry to hear about how awful you feel all the time~ :( I wish your struggle with mental health could be going better~ :( did taking estrogen lose its effect after so long? regardless, I'm glad it was able to make you feel a bit better for a little while~ even if life now sucks once again again for you~ :( I

 

[FF777]

wow that doesn't sound fun..
have you ever done any CTB attempts, or like, what plans do you have for the future?..

 

[Steph99]

Very sorry to hear of your continuing struggles Dust in the Wind

 

[Hollowman]

Just about the same situation for me. But I can't cry or feel much of anything anymore.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Sorry to hear DITW. I can certainly relate. It most likely doesn't make your situation better though. On another note, I agree with people being more proactive about peacefully departing before becoming too old. Unfortunately most people are selfish and want to breath as much air as possible from this realm.

 

[Passenger4224]

There is nothing worse than making every possible effort to recover just to be completely stuck. It can make suffering feel as permanent as death

I really hope something miraculous can happen for you to at least bring you some joy for a while. You don't deserve to struggle this much.

I completely resonate with what you said about wondering how people can be in the present and not worry about the struggles of old age. I'm much younger but I've always had a fear of losing the ability to do things I used to be able to do.

Have you felt depressed most of your life?

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm really sorry to hear about how awful you feel all the time~ :( I wish your struggle with mental health could be going better~ :( did taking estrogen lose its effect after so long? regardless, I'm glad it was able to make you feel a bit better for a little while~ even if life now sucks once again again for you~ :( I

Thank you for the reply. I have an appointment with a hormone doctor tomorrow because also getting side effects.
Hopefully they can change a dosage or change delivery method (pill vs cream).

Very sorry to hear of your continuing struggles Dust in the Wind

Thank You

Very sorry to hear of your continuing struggles Dust in the Wind

Thank You

 

[Macedonian1987]

Well I thought my mental health was finally stabilizing from this last bed ridden, non functional depressive episode lasting 3 fucking years!! Not really sure how I didn't die from a blodclot or malnutrition. Based on prior horrific experience, I never knew depression could reach this even deeper level of hell. I now think there may be no limit to the amount of suffering that can be inflicted upon a person, which is so absolutely terrifying in itself. My psychiatrist, who is now retiring, has even told me he has never seen a case so bad as me. I think my brain is truly fucked now. It's been a lifelong battle that I could manage with medication changes, but nothing works any more. I recently tried HRT as a last ditch effort and it actually helped! I felt 75% better for 2 months and didn't think about killing myself every day. It was a nice break, but the thoughts are creeping back in with uncontrollable crying episodes. What is wrong with me!? All I think about now is how old I am and that my life is basically over and all I have to look forward to is becoming sick, decrepit and demented. I've watched this play out with my own family members. It's so traumatizing, I don't understand why everyone just doesn't off themselves to avoid this from happening. Normal brains can live in the moment, find joy in the little things and not worry about the future. Well not my brain and at my age there is no way it is going to miraculously change it's thought processing. Reality is a matter of perception and my perception of reality is very dark and nihilistic. Thanks for reading my vent. I wish you all well

It makes complete sense that you feel exhausted and terrified after enduring such an overwhelming level of prolonged pain, especially when a brief taste of relief makes the drop back down feel even more brutal. Watching your own mind and body battle this for years while carrying the heavy weight of what you've witnessed in your family is an immense burden for one person to bear. You aren't broken for seeing the world through a dark lens right now. your brain is simply operating under the weight of unbelievable exhaustion.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Very sorry to hear of your continuing struggles Dust in the Wind

Thank You

wow that doesn't sound fun..
have you ever done any CTB attempts, or like, what plans do you have for the future?..

Dabbled in unsuccessful PSH. I see no future, so I have no plans. I need to come up with a concrete exit strategy that I can implement and grow a pair of balls.

Just about the same situation for me. But I can't cry or feel much of anything anymore.

I'm so sorry. I wish this mental hellscape on no one. I don't know if it is worse to be numb or have crying fits every day :(

Just about the same situation for me. But I can't cry or feel much of anything anymore.

I'm so sorry. I wish this mental hellscape on no one. I don't know if it is worse to be numb or have crying fits every day :(

Sorry to hear DITW. I can certainly relate. It most likely doesn't make your situation better though. On another note, I agree with people being more proactive about peacefully departing before becoming too old. Unfortunately most people are selfish and want to breath as much air as possible from this realm.

It blows my mind the things people will put themselves through to just stay alive, even if its only a little bit longer. When Dolly Parton died yesterday, everyone was so sad and said too young(lol) and my first thought was she made it out of here in the nick of time at 80 years old, still looking decent from her plastic surgeries and with all her facilities intact. Nothing good comes after 80 and that's a fact.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Thank You

Dabbled in unsuccessful PSH. I see no future, so I have no plans. I need to come up with a concrete exit strategy that I can implement and grow a pair of balls.

I'm so sorry. I wish this mental hellscape on no one. I don't know if it is worse to be numb or have crying fits every day :(

I'm so sorry. I wish this mental hellscape on no one. I don't know if it is worse to be numb or have crying fits every day :(

It blows my mind the things people will put themselves through to just stay alive, even if its only a little bit longer. When Dolly Parton died yesterday, everyone was so sad and said too young(lol) and my first thought was she made it out of here in the nick of time at 80 years old, still looking decent from her plastic surgeries and with all her facilities intact. Nothing good comes after 80 and that's a fact.

There was a politician here in Oz who said she was too young. 75 to 80 is still fairly common an age to pass. Only really positive outliers are content to live beyond 80, otherwise it is just getting too old.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

There is nothing worse than making every possible effort to recover just to be completely stuck. It can make suffering feel as permanent as death

I really hope something miraculous can happen for you to at least bring you some joy for a while. You don't deserve to struggle this much.

I completely resonate with what you said about wondering how people can be in the present and not worry about the struggles of old age. I'm much younger but I've always had a fear of losing the ability to do things I used to be able to do.

Have you felt depressed most of your life?

Thank you for your kind reply. I've worried about the future and had depression most of my adult life. I managed to still have a good life for long periods of time, often years, with medications, but eventually I relapse. I made the decision to not have children because of my mental illness and think there is too much suffering in the world.I knew that meant I would ultimately be alone, if I lived long enough. So been thinking about the perfect suicide plan since my 30's, which we all know doesn't exist. I don't regret that decision not to have children but I also don't have the desire to stay alive like many older people do because they have children and grandchildren to look forward to. But I also realize, I could have had children that moved far away from me or wanted nothing to do with me when I got old. I think way too much, is probably part of the problem.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Thank you for your kind reply. I've worried about the future and had depression most of my adult life. I managed to still have a good life for long periods of time, often years, with medications, but eventually I relapse. I made the decision to not have children because of my mental illness and think there is too much suffering in the world.I knew that meant I would ultimately be alone, if I lived long enough. So been thinking about the perfect suicide plan since my 30's, which we all know doesn't exist. I don't regret that decision not to have children but I also don't have the desire to stay alive like many older people do because they have children and grandchildren to look forward to. But I also realize, I could have had children that moved far away from me or wanted nothing to do with me when I got old. I think way too much, is probably part of the problem.

The problem is you have a modicum of intelligence; and let's face it, intelligent people (in my opinion) don't really belong here. So you are stuck with your thoughts for now.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

It makes complete sense that you feel exhausted and terrified after enduring such an overwhelming level of prolonged pain, especially when a brief taste of relief makes the drop back down feel even more brutal. Watching your own mind and body battle this for years while carrying the heavy weight of what you've witnessed in your family is an immense burden for one person to bear. You aren't broken for seeing the world through a dark lens right now. your brain is simply operating under the weight of unbelievable exhaustion.

Thank you for your insightful reply . At this point in my life, I've seen and know too much. To me my dark lenses are reality and the lucky get to wear the rose colored glasses.

There was a politician here in Oz who said she was too young. 75 to 80 is still fairly common an age to pass. Only really positive outliers are content to live beyond 80, otherwise it is just getting too old.

Exactly, it is pretty much average life expectancy in the US. If people don't live to be at least 90 now they are considered too young to have died. Crazy to me.

There was a politician here in Oz who said she was too young. 75 to 80 is still fairly common an age to pass. Only really positive outliers are content to live beyond 80, otherwise it is just getting too old.

Exactly, it is pretty much average life expectancy in the US. If people don't live to be at least 90 now they are considered too young to have died. Crazy to me.

The problem is you have a modicum of intelligence; and let's face it, intelligent people (in my opinion) don't really belong here. So you are stuck with your thoughts for now.

Yes, the more intelligence you have the more you think and question everything. It is a curse. Down Syndrome children and adults are some of the happiest humans on the planet.

 

[CTB Dream]

v sry dprs v sry all strgl, this v sad try get btr aftr rtrn no hpn any, this lif cncpt v sad age etc alws dtriort time mov mov alws wrs, all thing wrs disapre v sry hpn all

 

[ctb_warrior]

Well I thought my mental health was finally stabilizing from this last bed ridden, non functional depressive episode lasting 3 fucking years!! Not really sure how I didn't die from a blodclot or malnutrition. Based on prior horrific experience, I never knew depression could reach this even deeper level of hell. I now think there may be no limit to the amount of suffering that can be inflicted upon a person, which is so absolutely terrifying in itself. My psychiatrist, who is now retiring, has even told me he has never seen a case so bad as me. I think my brain is truly fucked now. It's been a lifelong battle that I could manage with medication changes, but nothing works any more. I recently tried HRT as a last ditch effort and it actually helped! I felt 75% better for 2 months and didn't think about killing myself every day. It was a nice break, but the thoughts are creeping back in with uncontrollable crying episodes. What is wrong with me!? All I think about now is how old I am and that my life is basically over and all I have to look forward to is becoming sick, decrepit and demented. I've watched this play out with my own family members. It's so traumatizing, I don't understand why everyone just doesn't off themselves to avoid this from happening. Normal brains can live in the moment, find joy in the little things and not worry about the future. Well not my brain and at my age there is no way it is going to miraculously change it's thought processing. Reality is a matter of perception and my perception of reality is very dark and nihilistic. Thanks for reading my vent. I wish you all well

I'm sorry that you've to go through so much and you are still going through. I wish i knew something that could be helpful to you too find relief from this suffering.
If talking to us or venting out about your struggles can help, we are all here for you in every way possible i wish and pray for you that something could get you relief from this.
Please let us know if we can help you in any way possible.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Thank you for your insightful reply . At this point in my life, I've seen and know too much. To me my dark lenses are reality and the lucky get to wear the rose colored glasses.

Exactly, it is pretty much average life expectancy in the US. If people don't live to be at least 90 now they are considered too young to have died. Crazy to me.

Exactly, it is pretty much average life expectancy in the US. If people don't live to be at least 90 now they are considered too young to have died. Crazy to me.

Yes, the more intelligence you have the more you think and question everything. It is a curse. Down Syndrome children and adults are some of the happiest humans on the planet.

We have now got a lot of nutters in Oz. They walk around mumbling and talking to themselves. But quite frankly, some of them actually seem happy because they are insane and just fumble through bins for food and have no awareness or responsibilities. In a way I kind of envy them.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

" I now think there may be no limit to the amount of suffering that can be inflicted upon a person, which is so absolutely terrifying in itself"

I believe this also and I posted about it

the horrible things and the worst pain outweigh the pleasurable things by a billion times

no one is immune to the worst pain and agony

the only safety from this hell is Non-existence forever

no one sees this. most want to live forever and also believe in and wish for continued living in this hell and for trillions of more years in afterlives trillions of years more of this sentience consciousness nightmare

eternal Non-existence is the only perfection and the ultimate bliss

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I know a few people who want to live until 100 lol.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

" I now think there may be no limit to the amount of suffering that can be inflicted upon a person, which is so absolutely terrifying in itself"

I believe this also and I posted about it

the horrible things and the worst pain outweigh the pleasurable things by a billion times

no one is immune to the worst pain and agony

the only safety from this hell is Non-existence forever

no one sees this. most want to live forever and also believe in and wish for continued living in this hell and for trillions of more years in afterlives trillions of years more of this sentience consciousness nightmare

eternal Non-existence is the only perfection and the ultimate bliss

I agree with you. The pain and suffering outweighs the little joys by a landslide. But yet people still believe life is absolutely worth it and want to live at all costs. It boggles my mind. I hope there is nothing after this life. Consciousness is a curse and I want total annihilation. I wish I was never born but now I can only hope death is like you were never born. Sleep is the closest thing I get to peace right now.

I know a few people who want to live until 100 lol.

My MIL is 95 and it isn't pretty but yet she is happy and talks about the future like she will live past 100 !

I know a few people who want to live until 100 lol

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I agree with you. The pain and suffering outweighs the little joys by a landslide. But yet people still believe life is absolutely worth it and want to live at all costs. It boggles my mind. I hope there is nothing after this life. Consciousness is a curse and I want total annihilation. I wish I was never born but now I can only hope death is like you were never born. Sleep is the closest thing I get to peace right now.

My MIL is 95 and it isn't pretty but yet she is happy and talks about the future like she will live past 100 !

I had a grandfather go to 91 or 2 and it horrified me. Too old. These sorts of scenarios affect me but other people think it's great living to that age.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I had a grandfather go to 91 or 2 and it horrified me. Too old. These sorts of scenarios affect me but other people think it's great living to that age.

When I visit my MIL in assisted living it actually traumatizes me to see everyone there looking so old. One old lady was walking around with a blindfold and long walking stick and I asked why she was doing that. It was because she was going blind and practicing for when she could no longer see! I was horrified.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Probably one of my worst fears.....ending up in a nursing home.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Probably one of my worst fears.....ending up in a nursing home.

The place she is in is "assisted living" so she has her own apartment but CNA's have to help her with showering and dressing. It costs her like 8K a month though! She's lucky her dead husband left her a lot of $. Still, I would rather die than be that old.

 

[hangtime1000]

When I visit my MIL in assisted living it actually traumatizes me to see everyone there looking so old. One old lady was walking around with a blindfold and long walking stick and I asked why she was doing that. It was because she was going blind and practicing for when she could no longer see! I was horrified.

I don't plan to live like that. I want to make a positive statement that suicide was better than getting old enough to loose your faculties

 

[valar_morghulis21]

Well I thought my mental health was finally stabilizing from this last bed ridden, non functional depressive episode lasting 3 fucking years!! Not really sure how I didn't die from a blodclot or malnutrition. Based on prior horrific experience, I never knew depression could reach this even deeper level of hell. I now think there may be no limit to the amount of suffering that can be inflicted upon a person, which is so absolutely terrifying in itself. My psychiatrist, who is now retiring, has even told me he has never seen a case so bad as me. I think my brain is truly fucked now. It's been a lifelong battle that I could manage with medication changes, but nothing works any more. I recently tried HRT as a last ditch effort and it actually helped! I felt 75% better for 2 months and didn't think about killing myself every day. It was a nice break, but the thoughts are creeping back in with uncontrollable crying episodes. What is wrong with me!? All I think about now is how old I am and that my life is basically over and all I have to look forward to is becoming sick, decrepit and demented. I've watched this play out with my own family members. It's so traumatizing, I don't understand why everyone just doesn't off themselves to avoid this from happening. Normal brains can live in the moment, find joy in the little things and not worry about the future. Well not my brain and at my age there is no way it is going to miraculously change it's thought processing. Reality is a matter of perception and my perception of reality is very dark and nihilistic. Thanks for reading my vent. I wish you all well

You are incredible brave for keep going. I could never imagine myself being alive past my 30s. Would you do a story post of your life sometimes? Anything you feel ready to talk about, reflection, thought, that kind of stuff. Thank you!!