Venting Mourning a friend's death

[wondering&wandering]

Death's door is the last door we'll ever knock upon. Sadly, it often opens to the ones who didn't mean to bump into it, and remains closed to the ones who pound their fists upon it.

A couple years ago my friend bumped into it and fell, leaving his grey brains on the grey cement. And me, I threw myself against that door. I longed for death to answer! Not only to invite me in, too. But to answer me: why my friend and not me? Surely our community had more to lose when they lost him. It should have been me.

I felt everything hurt. I wept. I dreamed up alternate realities. I cried some more. I screamed in the car. I didn't understand. I still don't understand. I still feel the impact today, as I reminded myself all over again of his death.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I've been told it, and I know I should stop tormenting myself. But please, I'm still grieving. I'm still feeling. And I'm still ramming myself into that door—begging to know why.

I'll never know why, yet still I'll cry. I'm sorry for being pathetic, my friends. I'll try harder to forget. To not feel.

 

[thinvy]

there is no one "right way" to feel grief, no "right amount of time" to mourn the loss of someone, especially not someone you cared so much about.
my dad passed well over a decade ago, and it still stings. all the time. randomly, around the anniversary, when I see other happy dads with their kids. I even had a spiral last month because of how much I miss my dad. I spent years questioning "why him and not me?". I often have dreams that he's still alive, out there somewhere in witness protection or something, just so my pitiful little brain can hold on to one iota of hope.

you arent wrong for feeling guilty, remorse, sadness, anything "negative". humans are social creatures, it should be expected that hard feelings come up with the loss of another. broken heart syndrome is a very real thing after all.

I do sincerely hope you cut yourself a little more slack, OP. you don't deserve to make yourself less because of others incorrect opinions. surviving after loss is an awful, dirty, strenuous ordeal. you're allowed to be upset.

 

[wondering&wandering]

Thanks @thinvy your words mean a lot to me.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I still have mine, so I can't imagine what it's like for you.

If I could give you one, I'd offer you a big hug.

I'll try not to be hard on myself. But for the time being, I still am.

Feel free to pm me if you ever feel like talking about anything. Again, I appreciate you.

 

[wondering&wandering]

I hope none of the 'pro-death' users on here disrespect your moving post OP. Here is a better venting example.

Thanks for your concern. I haven't had many problems at all with this sites users, but I'm happy to know there are users out there concerned about this as it seems there are pro-death users as much as people complain about pro-life users.

I feel ignored for sure at times not just irl but also here, but one can't expect the world to revolve around oneself. Having a couple responses is nice enough.

Thanks again; I appreciate you!