Story more vents and updates

[lexiahhs]

i think ill try to keep all my updates and vents in this one thread because i realize im making a couple threads for when i have questions and just stuff to say.

I should be getting SN on monday or tuesday. i took days off work on those days so i can get the package before my parents do, so i can stay home all day. When i get my SN i dont think i will go right away. its just comforting for me to know that i have the SN with me and wont have to worry on how to get it or how long it will take when i actually want to ctb. right now things are going fine, but i am infact bipolar and know its gonna go bad soon anytime i have a nice high mood.

im supposed to go on vacation from the 1-6 of september, i think ill stay till then. around mid september is my bday, i might ctb on my bday. college starts a couple days after my bday so ill be gone before then if everything goes well. is it a bad idea to go on my birthday? i feel like setting a different day might ruin whatever day for anyone around me, assuming they might care. and then to think of my bday on another day would ruin two days. but if it was on my bday it would be simple. one day ruined for anyone who cared about me. and if anyone even notices that im gone. i just cant decide if it should be night before my birthday or the night like after. my family has a tradition of staying up till 12 to the bday to cut cake and celebrate even if its a work day. im just rambling on and on, thanks to anyone whos read this far and has any opinion on when i should ctb. i do plan on going in september or before. i feel like my bday is def the last day i can stay until, unless magically i get much better.

even just the thought of knowing im getting SN soon comforts me. even if theres a chance mt parents will get it and ill be questioned and possibly sent to another mental health facility. but i hope everything works out and i get my SN. i enjoy life more and want to appreciate it knowing i can go when i feel like it. ive been trying to spend more time outside my room and talk to people even if its crossing my social battery.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that only you know when you should ctb, it's a personal decision and to me there's no such thing as a 'bad' day to ctb, we all have the right to exit any day at a time of our own choosing. Your feelings are understandable about getting SN, I know that for many it can be such a relief having a way to exit this world, not feeling as though they are trapped here with no way out. Best wishes.

 

[lexiahhs]

i have received my SN!! so happy and calm now. i feel a sense of security knowing i have the SN in my hands

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sure it is a relief to know you have your 'way out' now. I wish I'd been brave enough to order it weeks ago. Feels like there's a lot more attention around it at the moment- but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Think it's really considerate of you to consider which day would be the least impactful to go on. I do know what you mean. Some people are very conscious of birthdays and death days. Still, it's very hard to judge what effect it will have whatever you choose. Not sure it will make it any easier to have one date to grieve on, rather than two- I don't think grief is restricted only to those days- not to try and make you feel guilty- just from my own experience.

My Grandma died (of natural causes) on my Grandpa's birthday. That seemed kind of beautiful. I do get the reasoning for choosing your own birthday to go on but I'm not sure if it would seem that way to loved ones. Birthdays in your family seem to be shared, family occasions, so I'm not sure whether choosing that day to depart would seem more tragic to them. Sorry- not trying to call you selfish or make you feel guilty- I believe we all have the right to make a departure when we can't cope anymore. Just trying to picture it from their perspective.

Also, it's kind of putting pressure on yourself to set yourself a date. Maybe just see how it goes. Try to enjoy your vacation as much as you can and know that you have an escape if and when you need it. I wish you all the best.

 

[lexiahhs]

ive got my sn

i wanted to go tonight actually but i'mfar too tired so i'm going to sleep instead. if i wake up in the night i might do it since i wake up in night a lot