More suicidal after feeling better

[fromange]

So I'm no longer like bottom of the pit depressed af 24/7, talking to no one not going outside and not feeling anything at all other than despair. I feel pretty good and I'm able to go outside and stuff. Although I haven't done any of my tasks that I need to do still. It's probably the placebo stage of new antidepressants I got.

But now I'm like logically this doesn't just get better like a story. All the stupid small problems of mine that I got depressed over are still there. Still alone, still skillless and jobless. Still an asshole. So should I use my increased capacity to just do it? It's impulsive. Method would be to just buy rope and take a hike. I don't know. I'm tired. I don't really care about all these different arguments in my head. It's the only solution that you can't regret, unless you fail. I'd rather not die of course I know I'm privileged in many ways. But thinking I have to be conscious for longer and deal with everything...it's draining. It's only what I think now but I'm not that scared about dying/afterlife.

I'm usually on recovery but on the recovery to suicide scale I'm closer to the latter right now. I don't want to be a downer. I don't know what tag either. Method/venting/help

 

[monetpompo]

All the stupid small problems of mine that I got depressed over are still there. Still alone, still skillless and jobless. Still an asshole. So should I use my increased capacity to just do it? It's impulsive. Method would be to just buy rope and take a hike. I don't know. I'm tired. I don't really care about all these different arguments in my head. It's the only solution that you can't regret, unless you fail. I'd rather not die of course I know I'm privileged in many ways. But thinking I have to be conscious for longer and deal with everything...it's draining. It's only what I think now but I'm not that scared about dying/afterlife.

same place as you, @fromange.
yesterday i had an ok day, talked to more people than i usually do, and today i'm having an okay day as well. last month or even a few days ago i was on the verge of hanging myself or running into traffic because i felt so awful. i'm not on any antidepressants but i'm glad your antidepressants seem to be giving you good side effects right now. i kind of hate getting prescribed medication because they immediately make me lethargic and too tired to think. seroquel can make me fall asleep standing up.

most mornings and nights i have the same arguments with myself, but i don't know why anymore when feeling "better" about myself or feeling "better" in general would feel better than missing someone i can't be around and feeling shit all the time. but it's just easier to feel like shit because at least that's the baseline. i think about writing posts or i do write posts, but then i regret them because i feel like i'm "not depressed enough" or i'm just writing a venting post in order to get validation from other people that i am stil depressed. feeling good about myself makes me feel nauseaous sometimes because i'm just worried about when everything will go to hell again. i don't want to feel happy or proud of myself when tomorrow or even an hour later i could crumble into dust and think that i'm some worthless coward. sometimes being in a state of constant state of despair just makes more sense to me. if my situation is the same on a day i feel better, it feels pointless to feel good about myself.

a lot of my sucidality revolves around being liked by others and not deserving company, happiness, or a sense of peace. i feel like i should be making a conscious effort to struggle and destroy myself because this is just the path that i'm on. i don't know if you relate to this. it's just like a feeling of interia, since i spend so much time ruminating that not being sad is weird.

i'm going to buy myself a cream donut later

 

[fromange]

same place as you, @fromange.
yesterday i had an ok day, talked to more people than i usually do, and today i'm having an okay day as well. last month or even a few days ago i was on the verge of hanging myself or running into traffic because i felt so awful. i'm not on any antidepressants but i'm glad your antidepressants seem to be giving you good side effects right now. i kind of hate getting prescribed medication because they immediately make me lethargic and too tired to think. seroquel can make me fall asleep standing up.

most mornings and nights i have the same arguments with myself, but i don't know why anymore when feeling "better" about myself or feeling "better" in general would feel better than missing someone i can't be around and feeling shit all the time. but it's just easier to feel like shit because at least that's the baseline. i think about writing posts or i do write posts, but then i regret them because i feel like i'm "not depressed enough" or i'm just writing a venting post in order to get validation from other people that i am stil depressed. feeling good about myself makes me feel nauseaous sometimes because i'm just worried about when everything will go to hell again. i don't want to feel happy or proud of myself when tomorrow or even an hour later i could crumble into dust and think that i'm some worthless coward. sometimes being in a state of constant state of despair just makes more sense to me. if my situation is the same on a day i feel better, it feels pointless to feel good about myself.

a lot of my sucidality revolves around being liked by others and not deserving company, happiness, or a sense of peace. i feel like i should be making a conscious effort to struggle and destroy myself because this is just the path that i'm on. i don't know if you relate to this. it's just like a feeling of interia, since i spend so much time ruminating that not being sad is weird.

i'm going to buy myself a cream donut today

Thanks. Feels better to know you're in a similar place. I really hate myself, bottom line. And yeah I don't know if it's better to be sad, objectively because this break and breathe of air is nice, but I do miss being miserable. So you know, a lazy rotten fuck like that might not be able to be saved lol. I hate myself for that too.

Big part of my depression is with a breakup, but that's more like the initial trigger that made me wake up to how shitty I am. I'm just embarrassed of myself.

I was thinking of getting donuts too recently. Maybe I'll go tomorrow.