Looking back over my life, and looking at all of the mistakes I made, there are things that I sish would've been different. I don't know if these things would've made a difference in my decision to ctb, but I do think that I wouldn't have experienced a lot of the pain that I did in life. I guess these are the "hindsight" thinkgs that one would reflect on when they're reaching the end of life. As I get closer to the time, it puts me at ease to look back at my life and know taht I did the best I could iwth the guidance, resources, and understanding that were available to me. I don't think anything else can be asked of me in living. I gave this my all. A part of me wishes some things could've been different.
I wish that I had a better understanding of life earlier on. I wish I had the awareness that could've allowed me to make better decisions and interpret the world around me a lot more clearly. I'm late diagnosed autistic. So, I guess that's what I was robbed of... awareness. I wish I would've understood my mother and her history. I would've been able to better navigate her mood swings. Not that the abuse would've stopped, but I could've probably avoided a lot of confrontation with her by avoiding her more. I would've left home earlier and made my peace with the fact that I didn't have a family who loved me. I wish I would've known love when it was being shown to me. I would've been a better friend to those who actually did try to be my friend instead of lumping them in with the rest of the people I met in my life. I wish I had someone to mentor me, and I wish I had the awareness and understanding to hold them close and take in all of what they would've done for me. I don't think I would've minded stern upbringing if it were in the interest of teaching me about the realities of life. I wish I wouldn't have dreamt so deeply of a life and world that doesn't exist. I wish I would've never given up my art and let people talk me out of pursuing it with all my heart. I wish I understood humans and their nature earlier on in life. I wish I had someone who loved me enough to interpret life clearly for me.
I don't know how much of a difference that would make now, because part of coming to terms with death is realizing that I'm leaving a broken world of suffering. I find peace and happiness in that. Part of the pain of life was learning that life is nothing but pain for me. In my mind, even if things went the way I wanted, the world would still be hurtling towards its ultimate end. The human race would still be just as mean and cruel. I'd just have a more comfortable position within it. I can't find comfort in knowing that. I'm not one who feels blessed because others are hurting. That's not being blessed. My soul has never felt at home on this earth in this plane of existence. The human part of me, though, does wonder what it would've been like to not have been so crudely treated by life. I guess that's my brain just trying to resolve my past.
Sure, I could become a vegetable if I fail. Either way, I die. I'm ready to go. I believe I have a soul and hope that I'll have enough control over my being to go to an eternal joy. That, or just non-existence. My soul has accepted what my brain can't. And my soul is ever stronger than my brain. I AM enjoying my final days here, though. I'm excited to see what's beyond here.
I wish that I had a better understanding of life earlier on. I wish I had the awareness that could've allowed me to make better decisions and interpret the world around me a lot more clearly. I'm late diagnosed autistic. So, I guess that's what I was robbed of... awareness. I wish I would've understood my mother and her history. I would've been able to better navigate her mood swings. Not that the abuse would've stopped, but I could've probably avoided a lot of confrontation with her by avoiding her more. I would've left home earlier and made my peace with the fact that I didn't have a family who loved me. I wish I would've known love when it was being shown to me. I would've been a better friend to those who actually did try to be my friend instead of lumping them in with the rest of the people I met in my life. I wish I had someone to mentor me, and I wish I had the awareness and understanding to hold them close and take in all of what they would've done for me. I don't think I would've minded stern upbringing if it were in the interest of teaching me about the realities of life. I wish I wouldn't have dreamt so deeply of a life and world that doesn't exist. I wish I would've never given up my art and let people talk me out of pursuing it with all my heart. I wish I understood humans and their nature earlier on in life. I wish I had someone who loved me enough to interpret life clearly for me.
I don't know how much of a difference that would make now, because part of coming to terms with death is realizing that I'm leaving a broken world of suffering. I find peace and happiness in that. Part of the pain of life was learning that life is nothing but pain for me. In my mind, even if things went the way I wanted, the world would still be hurtling towards its ultimate end. The human race would still be just as mean and cruel. I'd just have a more comfortable position within it. I can't find comfort in knowing that. I'm not one who feels blessed because others are hurting. That's not being blessed. My soul has never felt at home on this earth in this plane of existence. The human part of me, though, does wonder what it would've been like to not have been so crudely treated by life. I guess that's my brain just trying to resolve my past.
Sure, I could become a vegetable if I fail. Either way, I die. I'm ready to go. I believe I have a soul and hope that I'll have enough control over my being to go to an eternal joy. That, or just non-existence. My soul has accepted what my brain can't. And my soul is ever stronger than my brain. I AM enjoying my final days here, though. I'm excited to see what's beyond here.
