Morality of CTB as a parent?

[Afflicted]

I have struggled with the urge to CTB for well over 10 years now. I'm mid 20's and have two children. I feel guilty and I don't want to scar them for life. But to be honest I don't care about how my departure will effect anyone else besides them. I just can't continue. I am tired of playing this game. I feel like I'm obligated to stay for them. Despite the fact mentally I'm a husk.

 

[finalgoodbye:(]

I reckon most people here would say you shouldn't ctb if you have children and I would agree honestly you have a moral responsibility over them since you brought them to this world

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I am tired of playing this game. I feel like I'm obligated to stay for them. Despite the fact mentally I'm a husk.

Were you already "mentally ill" before you even decided to have your kids?

You - as an adult - made a decision for someone who's not capable to make a decision. It's your duty to do more than the best you can to give your kids a good life! Otherwise they may become the next suicidal generation.

From a moral POV: Adults should fucking use their intelligence before they reproduce in nowadays society.

 

[themisfell]

I'm really sorry. Children or not, you dont choose how your brain functions or who relies upon you. I can relate to this in the sense that I could not ctb until my terminally ill mother passed away. I'll be honest-- i think you do owe those children a kind future, but that doesn't mean you're still not allowed to struggle. i'm so sorry to read this.

I hate to sound like that guy, but I know there's lot of support networks and assistance for parents in most countries. have any of them been able to help you? are you aware of all the things that may be available to you as a parent?

 

[U. A.]

Were you already "mentally ill" before you even decided to have your kids?

You - as an adult - made a decision for someone who's not capable to make a decision. It's your duty to do more than the best you can to give your kids a good life! Otherwise they may become the next suicidal generation.

From a moral POV: Adults should fucking use their intelligence before they reproduce in nowadays society.

Despite agreeing that anyone who create human life has a total and immutable responsibility to commit the rest of their lives to protecting their children, I don't agree with the last line here:

There is enormous societal pressure to rear children. You don't know whether OP might have been fed this worldview since their own childhood. Especially in the context of religious communities it can be unthinkable to controvert these expectations.

Also, not everyone has equal access to material birth control and/or education around it. Prophylactics cost money. Think of what's happening in the fucking u.s. since Roe v. Wade was trashed - women are being charged with MURDER for their abortions. I don't know where OP lives but this is a generalisable example point to the reality that no, not everyone simply "decides" to have a baby with zero external influencing factors.

 

[thaelyana]

I'm truly sorry you're feeling this way. But please, don't give up.

Your children need you, even if you can't feel that right now. Their world would collapse without you. A child cannot grow up in a healthy way on the foundation of a parent's death. That kind of wound never goes away. And your partner — they would have to face everything alone, raising two young kids while carrying their own grief. This isn't just sadness — it's a crushing weight you'd be leaving behind.

Being a parent is hard, especially when you're suffering. But it's in these moments that you have to hold on. You have a responsibility — and that's not just a word. You helped bring life into this world, two lives. You don't have the right to abandon them. You have to stay, to fight, for them. Because if you give up, they will carry that pain for the rest of their lives.

I understand that you're exhausted, drained. I'm not minimizing what you're going through. But you still have a life that can be rebuilt — for yourself and for them. It's not too late, even if everything feels stuck. You deserve support, not isolation. You have every right to ask for help. Talk to someone. Don't stay alone in this pain. There are people who will listen — really listen.

You matter, even if you can't see it right now. You are important. And you have to stay.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Despite agreeing that anyone who create human life has a total and immutable responsibility to commit the rest of their lives to protecting their children, I don't agree with the last line here:

There is enormous societal pressure to rear children. You don't know whether OP might have been fed this worldview since their own childhood. Especially in the context of religious communities it can be unthinkable to controvert these expectations.

Also, not everyone has equal access to material birth control and/or education around it. Prophylactics cost money. Think of what's happening in the fucking u.s. since Roe v. Wade was trashed - women are being charged with MURDER for their abortions. I don't know where OP lives but this is a generalisable example point to the reality that no, not everyone simply "decides" to have a baby with zero external influencing factors.

I agree with your points - in many cases, it's not that easy. Unfortunately the children are the ones who have to suffer the most.

 

[thaelyana]

Despite agreeing that anyone who create human life has a total and immutable responsibility to commit the rest of their lives to protecting their children, I don't agree with the last line here:

There is enormous societal pressure to rear children. You don't know whether OP might have been fed this worldview since their own childhood. Especially in the context of religious communities it can be unthinkable to controvert these expectations.

Also, not everyone has equal access to material birth control and/or education around it. Prophylactics cost money. Think of what's happening in the fucking u.s. since Roe v. Wade was trashed - women are being charged with MURDER for their abortions. I don't know where OP lives but this is a generalisable example point to the reality that no, not everyone simply "decides" to have a baby with zero external influencing factors.

Let's put things back in context.

Sure, some people didn't really choose to have kids — pressure from family, society, or a partner… That happens. But at some point, you have to take a step back and say: stop.

If you're over 20, you're supposed to be responsible for your actions. No one put a gun to your head to make a baby. If you sleep with someone voluntarily, you're responsible for everything that might come from it. It's not complicated. Talking about kids like they're objects you bought and can throw away whenever you want? No. Absolutely not.

Today, there are many forms of contraception. The first one is condoms. And yes, even if you live in the U.S. — okay, abortion is restricted in some states — birth control pills are not banned, right? Can we be clear about that? This wasn't the law stopping you — it was you not taking responsibility at the right time.

And come on… One child, maybe you can argue it was a surprise. But two? The person we're talking about is over 25 and has two kids. That doesn't just "happen." Two kids means at least 18 to 20 months of pregnancy combined — unless she or her partner gave birth and got pregnant again within seconds. This isn't some random thing you wake up to one morning. At some point, we have to stop lying to ourselves just to feel better.

You'r an adult. You don't live with your parents anymore. You have a partner. You have children. It's too late to try and erase everything. Even if you didn't want them, you had them. You carried them, or you were there with the person who did. And now they exist.

And once a child is here — no matter your mental state — you can't just abandon them. You don't get to say, "I can't do this anymore, I'm out." Being a parent isn't optional. You have to raise your kids. Period. That's your responsibility — all the way through.

 

[unluckysadness]

i send you hugs why must it be so cruel

 

[Haibane-renmei-reki]

I have struggled with the urge to CTB for well over 10 years now. I'm mid 20's and have two children. I feel guilty and I don't want to scar them for life. But to be honest I don't care about how my departure will effect anyone else besides them. I just can't continue. I am tired of playing this game. I feel like I'm obligated to stay for them. Despite the fact mentally I'm a husk.

it's messed up, at least wait until your kids are independant and and can take care of themselves, you have a responsability under your arms

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

This is a reason why I decide to go childfree and sexless, if I have kids my ctb plans would go under the bus.

Im sorry for this situation you're going through, I hope that you can at least wait until they're 17 for their sake

 

[Afflicted]

I reckon most people here would say you shouldn't ctb if you have children and I would agree honestly you have a moral responsibility over them since you brought them to this world

I agree, I know it has been months but I am in a much better spot in life. Appreciate the reply.

Let's put things back in context.

Sure, some people didn't really choose to have kids — pressure from family, society, or a partner… That happens. But at some point, you have to take a step back and say: stop.

If you're over 20, you're supposed to be responsible for your actions. No one put a gun to your head to make a baby. If you sleep with someone voluntarily, you're responsible for everything that might come from it. It's not complicated. Talking about kids like they're objects you bought and can throw away whenever you want? No. Absolutely not.

Today, there are many forms of contraception. The first one is condoms. And yes, even if you live in the U.S. — okay, abortion is restricted in some states — birth control pills are not banned, right? Can we be clear about that? This wasn't the law stopping you — it was you not taking responsibility at the right time.

And come on… One child, maybe you can argue it was a surprise. But two? The person we're talking about is over 25 and has two kids. That doesn't just "happen." Two kids means at least 18 to 20 months of pregnancy combined — unless she or her partner gave birth and got pregnant again within seconds. This isn't some random thing you wake up to one morning. At some point, we have to stop lying to ourselves just to feel better.

You'r an adult. You don't live with your parents anymore. You have a partner. You have children. It's too late to try and erase everything. Even if you didn't want them, you had them. You carried them, or you were there with the person who did. And now they exist.

And once a child is here — no matter your mental state — you can't just abandon them. You don't get to say, "I can't do this anymore, I'm out." Being a parent isn't optional. You have to raise your kids. Period. That's your responsibility — all the way through.

I appreciate the reply but I think you made a lot of hasty generalizations and assumptions when you know none of the story. I think it's a stretch to say I talked about kids like they're disposable or you can throw them away. The children weren't the reason I felt like that. I am in a much better place now mentally(fortunately). At the time of the original post my children were essentially stolen from me and illegally taken over 1,000 miles from me by their mother. Yes there are many forms of contraception. That doesn't help much when you get "baby trapped" like I did. She just stopped taking them without ever telling me that. Did I want kids then? No. If I could snap my fingers and undo it would I? No. They're my children and love them more than anything. Rawdogging mental illness has made parenthood a challenge as I'm sure other users here can vouch for. I acknowledge that as an adult that enaged in the act, regardless of the factors at play, I'm responsible for that.

 

[badatparties]

At least try to wait until they're 18 and have some footing underneath them. This post should be a wake up call to natalists that think children will change your life or give it meaning. This is obviously not the case with so many miserable parents out there.

 

[RadioRamen]

I have struggled with the urge to CTB for well over 10 years now. I'm mid 20's and have two children. I feel guilty and I don't want to scar them for life. But to be honest I don't care about how my departure will effect anyone else besides them. I just can't continue. I am tired of playing this game. I feel like I'm obligated to stay for them. Despite the fact mentally I'm a husk.

I'm 40 and with a young child and my child is the only thing that's keeps me from CTB , not my partner or friends or other family , only my child . I think that hardest part of living with thoughts of ctb or no longer caring about your own life but having to endure because of someone else and not yourself can be exhausting and painful . Yet to think of the pain I would bring to them , the confusion I just can't . I still have no passion or real attachment to being alive but I do what I can to shield him from ever knowing those are demons I struggle with . Just do what I can to not repeat the mistakes my parents made with me I hope my child doesn't end on the same path as I did .

Being a parent with depression is hell , but it's a hell we must endure .

 

[ChiseHatori]

Just throwing in my two cents as I always do when I see this topic. As someone who lost their father to CTB, even from a very early age, it will very likely haunt them forever. But, I never blamed him or held contempt. It's just... lonely. And you have to be aware of the fact that your children are going to become much more likely to CTB themselves if you do, just statistically.

I understand wholeheartedly that this isn't your fault, so I hope you don't feel guilty over your feelings.

You've got yourself in an extremely tight position. If there's any possible way you can focus on healing, any methods at all, it's worth trying before jumping to the last option. For your sake and theirs.

Assuming you have a decent relationship with them, there's literally no reason to not be open and honest with them, and try to foster a positive environment for everyone involved. You can't and shouldn't shelter them from the difficulties of this life, but you can certainly be a healing voice.

EDIT: Just saw the updates. I'm glad you're in a better place. Point still stands, if you have a line of communication with them, I would reach out if possible. Especially if these feelings creep up again.

 

[kunikuzushi]

If it was your decision to bring someone into this world full of suffering, then I believe you have the moral obligation to make sure they're in as little pain as possible.

 

[KlMeNw]

Despite agreeing that anyone who create human life has a total and immutable responsibility to commit the rest of their lives to protecting their children, I don't agree with the last line here:

There is enormous societal pressure to rear children. You don't know whether OP might have been fed this worldview since their own childhood. Especially in the context of religious communities it can be unthinkable to controvert these expectations.

Also, not everyone has equal access to material birth control and/or education around it. Prophylactics cost money. Think of what's happening in the fucking u.s. since Roe v. Wade was trashed - women are being charged with MURDER for their abortions. I don't know where OP lives but this is a generalisable example point to the reality that no, not everyone simply "decides" to have a baby with zero external influencing factors.

I think societal pressure to have children is far less than it once was. I think our own biology has more to do with our desire to have children from an evolutionary standpoint than any religious coaxing as well. In fact, modern societal norms like feminism, cost of living, birth control, and abortions have contributed to the lowest birth rate in history in most of the modern world. So much so that places like England, China, Japan, and soon the US are facing population collapse due to the heavily declining birth rate coupled with an ever increasing senior population. Also, you know what a cheap form of birth control is? Abstinence. It's called accountability.

 

[socksnsandles]

i personally wish my dad ctb'd a long time ago. it certainly did nothing for me that he lived. but i dont hate him. really, i say i wish he ctb'd a long time ago for him. he just seemed like he treated life like a job. nothing made that man happy. im not sure why he lived. if you asked him, he'd probably say some disney shit like "for you," but the reality is that thats not true. if he died, nothing in my life or anyone elses life would have changed. he was a depressed hermit who used his work as an excuse for being an absent father and husband.

reason im saying this is: if youre going to live, then you have to also make sure you put the effort into living.