BodyOfDaffodil
Member
- Jun 14, 2023
- 26
I can't really remember the last time I had a relaxed sleep, one where I don't have to worry about money or where it's going to come from. Since I moved to the big city, I've been consumed in nothing but the fruitless of controlling my money; counting every single dime and being paranoid about expenses so much so I deny myself basic needs like medicine or certain prescription medicine not covered by my government. I hate being an adult, I feel like a tall child, so uncertain of my future and if I even have one. I can't see happiness for myself, all I see is a future full of misery and uncertainty. It's all clouded, it's all dark, it's all worthless.
I might actually CTB if my meeting with a worker doesn't go well tomorrow. My entire livelihood and future depends on this one meeting, and I hate to say it but I had to forge some rent agreement papers due to the fact that person I'm staying with isn't the Landlord, and the landlord isn't interested in putting me on the lease. Due to the RTA, if someone is living with their landlord then they don't qualify for financial help since it's considering 'rooming and boarding' (which it really is for me atm) however, with me trying to finish school, and having after school things to look after as well, I have no time for any sort of job.
It's destroying my mental health. Money makes me want to kill myself, and it makes me feel suicidal. It makes me want to do the more horrendous things to myself because I should be more capable than this, I should be more well established on adult life;; the only people I can really blame for this is my parents. They taught me no life skills, they taught me only to steal and lie; which I know can be unlearned. Not all of this is their fault and I can acknowledge that, however I've been trying so hard for so long to make a stable life for myself. Yet now, I am at risk of losing it all and becoming homeless. It is destroying me, and tomorrow will be the judge on whether I can continue to live or if I will be moving onto the afterlife shortly.
I hate this life, I hate this world, and most importantly I hate myself.
I might actually CTB if my meeting with a worker doesn't go well tomorrow. My entire livelihood and future depends on this one meeting, and I hate to say it but I had to forge some rent agreement papers due to the fact that person I'm staying with isn't the Landlord, and the landlord isn't interested in putting me on the lease. Due to the RTA, if someone is living with their landlord then they don't qualify for financial help since it's considering 'rooming and boarding' (which it really is for me atm) however, with me trying to finish school, and having after school things to look after as well, I have no time for any sort of job.
It's destroying my mental health. Money makes me want to kill myself, and it makes me feel suicidal. It makes me want to do the more horrendous things to myself because I should be more capable than this, I should be more well established on adult life;; the only people I can really blame for this is my parents. They taught me no life skills, they taught me only to steal and lie; which I know can be unlearned. Not all of this is their fault and I can acknowledge that, however I've been trying so hard for so long to make a stable life for myself. Yet now, I am at risk of losing it all and becoming homeless. It is destroying me, and tomorrow will be the judge on whether I can continue to live or if I will be moving onto the afterlife shortly.
I hate this life, I hate this world, and most importantly I hate myself.
