Venting Money can’t buy (my) happiness

[ThunderBringer]

I grew up poor. Immigrant parents with a million and one kids who they couldn't feed, all cramped in this tiny New York apartment. Tape on my shoes, holes in my clothes, and nothing I owned was bought new until about 2 years ago from my best friend for my birthday. Couldn't afford cable, or phones, and when I got a job I had to pay for basically everything all the time. Paying bills and also trying to scrounge up enough to make it through my senior year of high school (senior dues + my extracurricular activities dues) was literal hell. Especially when everything is my fault in a household that I'm barely present in. All while I only ate at school from what my friends could spare for me because I had to preserve all the food at home for the rest of my family because when I got hungry I just starved, but when they got hungry they got violent.
Then my friend and his family invited me to live with them instead. I took the offer after some consideration. Now all of a sudden I'm not being yelled at and hit. I have plenty of food, I'm not freezing in the winter or baking in the summer. I'm allowed to exist in the house. No need to hide, or sneak, or run away when a car pulls into the driveway. This is far better living situation than what I'm used to.
Now I don't care to explain how it happened, but I magically wound up with 12k in my account 3 months ago. And that's a fuck ton of money. I've only ever had about 600 at one time before, so this was absolutely insane to me. Thinking about all the things I could buy; swords, cosplays, food with friends, etc. Some things I did indulge in. However now I simply think to myself that I don't really care anymore. Having all of this money has made my life less stressful absolutely, however I'm still not happy. I'd rather be suicidal and rich than suicidal and poor but I don't care how much money I have when I'm going to die soon anyway. My whole life I thought having money would help, I understand it's not a billion dollars or anything but I wasn't expecting to feel so empty with all that sitting in my account. I've come to the conclusion that the only thing this lot of money can do is help me ctb easier than I could before. Which is so so disappointing

 

[Noob]

You write well.
I think money would change a lot of things for me.
It would suck so much if i have the same realization as you if i acquire it.

 

[SASU-KE]

Money helps you, but only if you are not suicidal.Some People think the lack of money alone makes them suicidal , but that suicidal tendency stems from within.Suddenly, if they do come into some money, they'll find that it doesn't really change the way they feel.

Try to eliminate most of the negatives in your life. Like your family, for example, eliminate them first
By that I mean stop talking to them and cut off contact. Same thing for other people like friends and relatives who aren't good for you. Slowly you will find life get a lot more tolerable. You will have Peace of Mind and certain other things in your life will improve. Then after that, maybe the suicidal tendencies decrease.

 

[cait_sith]

There are studies suggesting even people winning millions in the lottery go back to a similar mental state than they were before winning after 2 years. If you are normal who has been struggling with money but has a stable sense of self, money can indeed give them longlasting comfort and happiness, so im not a fan of the concept that money cant buy happinees, it can if you aren't fucked like i am.

 

[finaldestination22]

I'm here because I lost millions, yes millions and I was miserable the whole time. Why? I am an introvert person and always hated the world in a way, so when I got into money I felt forced to go out and enjoy it so bought some cars, started getting into designer clothes, some real estate and all that rich man thing. But all of a sudden having so many people calling me and giving me attention only because I knew they want to benefit from my money made me more depressive, agressive and this combined whit the BPD/OCD I always had but did not really manifest that much drove me into a lot of bad situations where I acted from pure self hate and mania so I lost it all in a couple of years by gambling and over spending like crazy, I was at 15-20k euros/month sometimes even more.

Covid made all casinos to go big online like many other things so that combined whit high depression/BPD was the fucking end of me.Keeping a mad man closed inside whit access to lots of money and nowbody that controlled him it was bound to bring ruin.

So yeah I think for many of us here is not money that sent us here really, once you can afford your rent/bills money can't affect you that much. It's other things that we try to run away from but they always remember who we are and no matter how much we run it always catches us.

Funny enough I feel waaaaay better ever since I lost everything because I can be myself again and I feel that everyone that keeps contact whit me they do it because they genuinely care about me so that feels good. I'm a much better person now that I don't have money then I was whit money but unfortunately I feel that I kinda explored everything I could in life and unfortunately realising that mental illnesses are a real struggle and I'll always have to fight these demons does not really make me want to start all over again.

 

[violetforever]

i would just like enough money to not live in filth and disarray and the presence of my incompetent mother.

 

[ThunderBringer]

I'm here because I lost millions, yes millions and I was miserable the whole time. Why? I am an introvert person and always hated the world in a way, so when I got into money I felt forced to go out and enjoy it so bought some cars, started getting into designer clothes, some real estate and all that rich man thing. But all of a sudden having so many people calling me and giving me attention only because I knew they want to benefit from my money made me more depressive, agressive and this combined whit the BPD/OCD I always had but did not really manifest that much drove me into a lot of bad situations where I acted from pure self hate and mania so I lost it all in a couple of years by gambling and over spending like crazy, I was at 15-20k euros/month sometimes even more.

Covid made all casinos to go big online like many other things so that combined whit high depression/BPD was the fucking end of me.Keeping a mad man closed inside whit access to lots of money and nowbody that controlled him it was bound to bring ruin.

So yeah I think for many of us here is not money that sent us here really, once you can afford your rent/bills money can't affect you that much. It's other things that we try to run away from but they always remember who we are and no matter how much we run it always catches us.

Funny enough I feel waaaaay better ever since I lost everything because I can be myself again and I feel that everyone that keeps contact whit me they do it because they genuinely care about me so that feels good. I'm a much better person now that I don't have money then I was whit money but unfortunately I feel that I kinda explored everything I could in life and unfortunately realising that mental illnesses are a real struggle and I'll always have to fight these demons does not really make me want to start all over again.

Hey I have BPD and OCD too! In any case, I'm glad you found some silver lining with your losses. I'm very sorry about your mental health, stay strong and stay safe