I'm an old fart, so I have many - the ones that stand out the most:
*There are many moments around my daughter. Beautiful moments and traumatic moments. Her coming into my world was beautiful, she almost died a couple of times during childhood though. I have nightmares about those times still. She almost drowned as a teen. It breaks my heart to think of her, trapped at the bottom of a pool, out of air, knowing she was going to die. Giving up and accepting death, feeling her lungs fill with water, just to be pulled out at the very last second. My child went to that brink where I have been and I didn't want her to ever feel that. I'm a grown man and this makes me cry every time I think about it.
*I was given two weeks to live when my daughter was in 2nd grade. I was sent home from the hospital to die. I had to tell my child that I was dying. I planned my funeral. I got my affairs in order. It was a misdiagnosis. I was really sick and in so much pain that it was easy to think I was dying, but I just lived on in pain.
*My home was destroyed in a flood. We barely made it out. Four of my neighbors didn't and they died.
*My car was destroyed in a tornado, with me and my daughter in it. Scary as hell.
*Abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist - 16 years of hellish moments just one after the other - being abused, seeing my kid abused, not being able to stop it
*I was molested when I was five. That's not unusual in our culture, but what I found hardest was not what was done to my body but what was done to my head. He twisted my little brain around until I was convinced it was all my fault and that I was simply a very bad person. I was such a bad person that I made good people do horrible things. Now I've lived an entire life not being able to ever initiate sex because it makes me feel like a filthy rapist forcing myself on the person. My poor wife is in a sexless marriage with me - and she's hot and deserves someone who can show her just how desirable she is. The thought of sex makes my stomach tie itself in a knot sometimes.
* The worst day of my adult life - my daughter ended up homeless. I was encouraged by my therapist to not let my daughter stay with me. I thought my wife expected this of me, too. So when my daughter came to see me and tell me what happened, I told her she could not stay with me. I put her out when she had no where to go. I cried for hours afterward. Then I found out that my wife had probably not expected me to do that. I didn't have to do that at all. I wish I had not done that. I would do anything to take it back. I am so so sorry.
*pain - just physical pain - not a moment, but so long, so many years. I hurt and hurt. I've had chronic pain for years, then last August I ruptured my Achilles tendon. I tore it 75% of the way across, so not clear through, but painful. I had Kaiser insurance - huge mistake. The physical therapist said I needed 12 visits to start with, and then we would reassess, but Kaiser denied me medical care. After a couple of months of fighting with them I got three half hour sessions with a physical therapist. That's it. Now I struggle to walk. I live on the third floor with no elevator and stairs are hard and painful. I can't be on my feet for long so now there are so many jobs I can't do anymore. I went from riding a unicycle to not being able to walk through the grocery store. Kaiser sucks. They will leave you disabled if it will save them a dollar. If I could afford it, I would sue them, but I'm poor., I work six days a week and I really need to find a second job because I don't make enough.
*being bullied throughout my childhood school career - if I had it to do over again, I would be the most violent child ever. I would have made them wish they never laid eyes on me. I would have stopped them day one. I now know that they don't send 8 year olds to prison and that I could have gotten away with so much. (Jimmy, JD, come at me now f**kers. I'll make you wish I had killed you in fourth grade.) At the time however, I did nothing at all. I believed they were right about the horrible things they said to me, so how could I argue with them? How can you fight the truth? I was a fat, ugly, awkward, disgusting, bothersome, lazy, stupid child. I was a problem to everyone. So I just listened to the bullies and didn't fight back. I just took it all in. That stuff sure leaves a mark on a person though. I'm 51 years old and still fighting against what I encountered in elementary school.
*poverty - just growing up poor does things to a person. Such as when you qualify for free lunch at school but you get picked on for being poor and are too embarrassed to turn in the financial form so you just don't eat at school. The cheapest thing in our cafeteria was a package of cookies for 50 cents. I stole 50 cents a couple of times so I could buy them. I got caught too, so then I was bad again - I was branded a thief on top of all the other things - just because I was hungry and didn't want to get beat up.
*having my dog euthanized - if you've never had to do this - let me explain: dog gets to lay comfy on its favorite bed, be surrounded by loved ones, and be petted and loved on. They will usually put a port in the dogs front leg, it's like an IV. The vet starts to inject the med into the port and the dog goes limp and passes out before the injection is even finished. A few seconds later the injection is done, dogs heart has stopped. It's over. it's so effing quick that it'll make your head spin. The dog doesn't suffer. There is no choking, no blood, no panic, no vomiting, nothing but almost instant peace. Literally over in about 4 or 5 seconds. It's disgusting that we don't do this for humans. There is no excuse for humans to have to suffer like we do when we could do this instead. I miss my dog so much, but I'm glad I gave her this way out. She deserved such a peaceful end. I just wish I had the same luxury.
I am so, so sorry for all you have been through.
I
I am truly sorry for everything you've been through.
First of all,
@luten, you have been through so much, and it is admirable the way you continue to care about others and reach out to them on this site. I am sorry you and the other people who have replied to this thread have suffered so much.
Here's my list...
-I was unable to see, speak, or have any sort of contact with my father for almost 9 years, due to him being incarcerated for 7. He involuntarily left my life when I was 4 years old.
-I was bullied for this and other reasons starting at the age of 9.
-I got onto the internet early and was possibly groomed, though I don't really consider this something that's affected me.
-I attempted suicide at the age of 10, was sent to a psych ward that didn't do shit. A year later I was diagnosed with depression and put on meds.
-Admitted to a psych ward at the age of 12 and my roommate sexually manipulated me (I don't think this affected me much, but honorary mention).
-Gained a bunch of fucking weight and was a 200lb 12 year old. People never know what it's like to be fat until they are. (Stereotypical but true)
-Developed paranoia surrounding events that happened online
-Grandmother died. She had dementia but always knew who I was. I miss her.
-Lost a rapid amount of weight and developed Anorexia. I went from 227lbs to 128lbs in a year and a half. I ended up having Lanugo for a short while (hair that grows as a physiological or natural response to insulate the body). Gained a bunch of weight back due to extreme hunger.
-Aunt died due to alcoholism, my family and I found her, deceased, in the hospital. I was in high school at this time and had a suicide plan for weeks, but this further solidified my plan. 2 days later I was sent to a psych ward after the school became aware of my plan and got treated like garbage for 10 days straight by the hospital staff.
-Got into a semi-LDR with a girl, when I tried to break up with her she threatened suicide. She also made my suicide attempts all about her, got mad that I had online friends, caused fights me while I was trying to work just so we could talk more, got mad when I couldn't talk to her while I was visiting my father (she knew how important he is to me and that he was incarcerated once, didn't give a fucking shit), LITERALLY got mad when I didn't guess that she was feeling bad when she told me she was feeling good, got angry when I forgot to say goodnight, openly admitted she got mad when I didn't respond to her text for 6 minutes, when I finally broke up with her for good and told her my reasoning was to take care of myself mentally, she got accusatory. Basically, she was a manipulative bitch and I hope she comes to my funeral and realizes how much of my suicidality she caused.
These were just some. Thanks for reading if you did, my heart goes out to all of you.
TL;DR: incarcerated parent, bullied, family members' deaths, controlling relationship
