Mixed feelings

[urgent]

I am having another really terrible day of pain. It hurts me so much physically to hold my phone and type but is like trying to hold your head above the water in a sinking car. I have absolutely no hope of staying out of a hospital being kept alive because I am getting closer to that point so I'm desperately trying to reach out my hand 🖐 I have spent the whole day on here. I have realized I lost a lot of friends. It is such a bittersweet way to find I'm happy for their peace but I miss them and wish they hadn't had to suffer. I also feel like no one is going to help me and I'm always going to be losing people. I am very worried about someone I can't reach since last night. I hope they found peace and are not at the hospital in pain. I always pray for us all here but I don't think it helps. I've prayed and begged for years and it just gets more unbearable for me. I just want to say I care about you all. I hope the best and I'm sorry you're in pain. I will probably not be able to make a goodbye post with no way. Many of you have given me tips wished me well or said nice things so I just want to thank you while you're here. I didn't get to thank some who left quietly and I hope some have left because they are doing better. I only know one who told me I helped that happen. It means so much to me to help.