Mixed feelings as CBT date grows closer

[captivebutterfly]

I have the perfect date picked out, the anniversary of my father's death. I figured that way my family only have to grieve that one day a year, rather than there being a second one. It's also within the next month so it's far away from birthdays and Christmas.

The problem is it's coming up faster than I had expected it to and I'm starting to feel worried about it. It's not that I don't want to die, trust me I do and my brain screams that at me 24/7. What is making me doubtful though, are things like ensuring I see family members and friends one last time before I go through with it, I don't want to leave them beating themselves up because they hadn't seen it recently. But for the friends that live hours away from me it's been really hard to make plans in time for my date. Don't get me wrong, I am afraid of death, but I welcome it, it's just that I'm worried if I rush things and don't give myself the appropriate time to deal with matters first then people that loved me would be harmed. even more so.

Every day is painful but I've made it this far, maybe I need to change my date. It's not IF I CTB, it's WHEN.

 

[LittleCupcake]

Theres no such thing as a perfect time, its just when your ready. Its when you accept that day is your last day, its when it feels right.
It sounds like you havent quite made peace with it and thats ok. You'll know when its right and only you can know that

 

[Agon321]

Fear is normal. I keep postponing the CTB date over and over again. Especially at night, I have pessimistic thoughts. I feel like I'm in a cage with no way out. Every option seems hopeless to me. It's hard to fight these thoughts. I often laugh that the world will kill me sooner than I do it.

You have nothing to worry about. You are not alone in this. Good luck of course :)

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

I have the perfect date picked out, the anniversary of my father's death. I figured that way my family only have to grieve that one day a year, rather than there being a second one. It's also within the next month so it's far away from birthdays and Christmas.

The problem is it's coming up faster than I had expected it to and I'm starting to feel worried about it. It's not that I don't want to die, trust me I do and my brain screams that at me 24/7. What is making me doubtful though, are things like ensuring I see family members and friends one last time before I go through with it, I don't want to leave them beating themselves up because they hadn't seen it recently. But for the friends that live hours away from me it's been really hard to make plans in time for my date. Don't get me wrong, I am afraid of death, but I welcome it, it's just that I'm worried if I rush things and don't give myself the appropriate time to deal with matters first then people that loved me would be harmed. even more so.

Every day is painful but I've made it this far, maybe I need to change my date. It's not IF I CTB, it's WHEN.

I fell the same
I also picked a strategic date, close to my birthday, so there will be just one date to grieve per year.
Ive been postponing this "project" since september/23 but i cannot delay anymore due to lack of money. Its denitely not easy to CTB, i really understand you when you say 'It's not IF I CTB, it's WHEN." Nonetheless im commited and i know that i wont postpone again.
Good luck.

 

[progirlfailure]

I have the perfect date picked out, the anniversary of my father's death. I figured that way my family only have to grieve that one day a year, rather than there being a second one. It's also within the next month so it's far away from birthdays and Christmas.

The problem is it's coming up faster than I had expected it to and I'm starting to feel worried about it. It's not that I don't want to die, trust me I do and my brain screams that at me 24/7. What is making me doubtful though, are things like ensuring I see family members and friends one last time before I go through with it, I don't want to leave them beating themselves up because they hadn't seen it recently. But for the friends that live hours away from me it's been really hard to make plans in time for my date. Don't get me wrong, I am afraid of death, but I welcome it, it's just that I'm worried if I rush things and don't give myself the appropriate time to deal with matters first then people that loved me would be harmed. even more so.

Every day is painful but I've made it this far, maybe I need to change my date. It's not IF I CTB, it's WHEN.

You don't have to if you aren't ready and you shouldn't rush yourself since it wouldn't lead to a very peaceful death like it's supposed to, but rather one full of stress and fear at the very last minute. If you plan on having a note and you also don't want your friends and family to blame themselves, you should state very clearly in it that it was none of your loved ones' faults.