Missing my mom

[SofterSoftest]

I hate how much I miss my mom. She has been gone for almost three years now and, even though I'm a grown ass woman in her 30s, I still can't get over the fact that I will never see her again. It's like I've lost every single tie I ever had to happy moments in my childhood. These were rare, but beautiful moments of feeling truly loved and valued. Our relationship wasn't easy. My mom didn't understand a really big part of me/my identity until later in her life, but she tried so hard and really pushed herself beyond her comfort to learn. Eventually, we got to the point that she embraced all of me - even those parts that she didn't initially understand - but that happened so close to her death that our relationship was only completely uncomplicated for a tiny fragment of our time together. There was still so much I wanted to experience with her. She did tell me at the end of her life that having me as her daughter was the best thing that ever happened to her, yet it took us 30+ years to get to that point.

I have a SO who loves me and cares for me beyond what I deserve. He has been so patient with my grief and has always done everything in his power to make sure I feel less paralyzed by this loss. Yet, it seems it's never enough. I feel so alone, and I'm ashamed to admit that seeing him happily talk to his parents on a regular basis stirs up intense feelings of envy. I feel awful for planning my CTB knowing that he will be devastated, but there's so little in life that remains appealing to me and I just know he'd be happier with someone who could more fully enjoy life with him.

Anyway, not really sure this post has a point. Just in a great deal of pain and no easy/straightforward CTB methods to help me end this hurt once and for all. I keep staring at my bottle of amitriptyline, but I have no benzos. I then look at my stash of SN and feel horrified about puking violently in my last few moments before death. Life is unbearably painful and death is just so unnecessarily complicated. I feel like a ghost who is neither here nor there.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I hate how much I miss my mom. She has been gone for almost three years now and, even though I'm a grown ass woman in her 30s, I still can't get over the fact that I will never see her again. It's like I've lost every single tie I ever had to happy moments in my childhood. These were rare, but beautiful moments of feeling truly loved and valued. Our relationship wasn't easy. My mom didn't understand a really big part of me/my identity until later in her life, but she tried so hard and really pushed herself beyond her comfort to learn. Eventually, we got to the point that she embraced all of me - even those parts that she didn't initially understand - but that happened so close to her death that our relationship was only completely uncomplicated for a tiny fragment of our time together. There was still so much I wanted to experience with her. She did tell me at the end of her life that having me as her daughter was the best thing that ever happened to her, yet it took us 30+ years to get to that point.

I have a SO who loves me and cares for me beyond what I deserve. He has been so patient with my grief and has always done everything in his power to make sure I feel less paralyzed by this loss. Yet, it seems it's never enough. I feel so alone, and I'm ashamed to admit that seeing him happily talk to his parents on a regular basis stirs up intense feelings of envy. I feel awful for planning my CTB knowing that he will be devastated, but there's so little in life that remains appealing to me and I just know he'd be happier with someone who could more fully enjoy life with him.

Anyway, not really sure this post has a point. Just in a great deal of pain and no easy/straightforward CTB methods to help me end this hurt once and for all. I keep staring at my bottle of amitriptyline, but I have no benzos. I then look at my stash of SN and feel horrified about puking violently in my last few moments before death. Life is unbearably painful and death is just so unnecessarily complicated. I feel like a ghost who is neither here nor there.

You were very fortunate to be able to create that connection with your mother

 

[carnivore]

I have lost my father two years ago. he died a month after diagnosis. not enough time to explain everything, apologize. it's hard for me to live with it

I totally understand you

 

[wljourney]

Grief is such a heavy burden to carry. I am so very sorry you are suffering so much pain.

But may I say: you wrote this quite beautifully.

In the end, nothing I can write will make this easier for you. I wish I could.
What I do see is that you were able to connect with your mom. Even if it was for a very brief period of time.
That's not nothing. That's something you both accomplished. Together. I am quite certain that your mom recognized this too. And it took a whole lot of hard, hard emotional work to get to that point.
That's a treasure that no-one will be able to take away from you and your mom passed knowing this too. At least I want to believe that she did.

xoxo

 

[flightless bird]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, losing someone is the worst, I have no words.

 

[toasterbath]

You are not alone. I cry for my mom and miss her almost every single day even though my mom passed away at the end of 2018. It's been what 5 years and it still affects me to this day. Idk why everything I read online said grief gets easier to deal with over time but in my case it only got worse. I am only now realizing how close I was to my mom and how she basically raised me alone. My best friend and only emotional support system in the world is gone forever. I had to watch her suffer through her death too as uncomplicated health complications just came up throughout the span of a few years. The death was unexpected and I still feel lots of guilt and like I have no closure. I guess I am grateful that I had mainly good memories with her but that also makes the loss more painful.

I am glad you were able to get close to your mother and reach a point of mutual understanding. And I am glad you have the support of a SO. I can relate to what you said at the end as well. For me figuring out life is complicated and so is coming to terms with and planning CTB.

 

[theboy]

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you feel better, friend

 

[hockeymum9999]

My children, more specifically my teen daughter, is one of the main reasons I am hanging on. I am dead on the inside and have nothing left to give. My sons are older and will be ok, eventually. I used to justify hanging on just for my kids, but now that they have grown up, the loneliness I feel consumes me. I have been married for 23 years and the last 10 have been hell. My husband is a good father but lacks the ability to connect with me. My depression has spiraled out of control this year and I am barely hanging on.

 

[SofterSoftest]

Grief is such a heavy burden to carry. I am so very sorry you are suffering so much pain.

But may I say: you wrote this quite beautifully.

In the end, nothing I can write will make this easier for you. I wish I could.
What I do see is that you were able to connect with your mom. Even if it was for a very brief period of time.
That's not nothing. That's something you both accomplished. Together. I am quite certain that your mom recognized this too. And it took a whole lot of hard, hard emotional work to get to that point.
That's a treasure that no-one will be able to take away from you and your mom passed knowing this too. At least I want to believe that she did.

xoxo

Thank you, my friend. Your words actually do bring me comfort and help me remind myself of what we had. You are right that both my mother and I spent our last moments together recognizing and respecting the hard work we both did to finally connect as ourselves. In my heart I know that no one will be able to take that away from me, as painful as some days are. I'm so grateful for this really thoughtful note - you've always been so helpful and caring to me on this forum

You are not alone. I cry for my mom and miss her almost every single day even though my mom passed away at the end of 2018. It's been what 5 years and it still affects me to this day. Idk why everything I read online said grief gets easier to deal with over time but in my case it only got worse. I am only now realizing how close I was to my mom and how she basically raised me alone. My best friend and only emotional support system in the world is gone forever. I had to watch her suffer through her death too as uncomplicated health complications just came up throughout the span of a few years. The death was unexpected and I still feel lots of guilt and like I have no closure. I guess I am grateful that I had mainly good memories with her but that also makes the loss more painful.

I am glad you were able to get close to your mother and reach a point of mutual understanding. And I am glad you have the support of a SO. I can relate to what you said at the end as well. For me figuring out life is complicated and so is coming to terms with and planning CTB.

This post resonates so much with me. My mom also raised me on her own and, despite so many odds, she was my best friend and always present for me in any way she could be. I know with all my heart that she tried her absolute best with raising me, and I also know this was not always easy given her own life circumstances (I wish I could tell her how much I admire her for all she did!). Like you say though, such a wonderful connection also means the loss is beyond heartbreaking. It is really hard to put the pieces back together after losing such an important pillar in our lives. I also really feel for you when you describe your guilt. There is so much love and affection I could have given her (and so much I wish we could have talked about), and now it's just too late. Finally, I wanted to say that I too have not experienced an 'easing' of my grief - if anything, the 'waves' have just gotten worse with time. Sending you so much care

Everyone else that has responded: thank you. I think people on this forum are some of the kindest people I have ever come across. Your words have actually helped me get through a really tough day. I'm so grateful.

 

[Worndown]

While there is no immortality, as long as you remember and think of your lived one, they are still with you. It is all we mortals have to hold onto.

 

[ge0rge]

I am 98% in your exact same situation. it is unbearably painful, I know. that unique kind of loneliness, the sense of grief progression, the relationship that could have improved, had there been enough time...

 

[Hollowillow]

I hate how much I miss my mom. She has been gone for almost three years now and, even though I'm a grown ass woman in her 30s, I still can't get over the fact that I will never see her again. It's like I've lost every single tie I ever had to happy moments in my childhood. These were rare, but beautiful moments of feeling truly loved and valued. Our relationship wasn't easy. My mom didn't understand a really big part of me/my identity until later in her life, but she tried so hard and really pushed herself beyond her comfort to learn. Eventually, we got to the point that she embraced all of me - even those parts that she didn't initially understand - but that happened so close to her death that our relationship was only completely uncomplicated for a tiny fragment of our time together. There was still so much I wanted to experience with her. She did tell me at the end of her life that having me as her daughter was the best thing that ever happened to her, yet it took us 30+ years to get to that point.

I have a SO who loves me and cares for me beyond what I deserve. He has been so patient with my grief and has always done everything in his power to make sure I feel less paralyzed by this loss. Yet, it seems it's never enough. I feel so alone, and I'm ashamed to admit that seeing him happily talk to his parents on a regular basis stirs up intense feelings of envy. I feel awful for planning my CTB knowing that he will be devastated, but there's so little in life that remains appealing to me and I just know he'd be happier with someone who could more fully enjoy life with him.

Anyway, not really sure this post has a point. Just in a great deal of pain and no easy/straightforward CTB methods to help me end this hurt once and for all. I keep staring at my bottle of amitriptyline, but I have no benzos. I then look at my stash of SN and feel horrified about puking violently in my last few moments before death. Life is unbearably painful and death is just so unnecessarily complicated. I feel like a ghost who is neither here nor there.

I envy your pain, I banned my narc mom, I was never loved. I wonder if you could ask your paren't boyfriend if they could adopt you s a member if the family, support you simply by talking to you too. Maybe a wedding is what would help you move forward. I hate those. But... You'd gain his family.

Your mom doesn't sound perfect. Maybe there's some lingering traumas that you didn't have enough time to fix. I miss what my mom never was... It's a horrible feeling. If you grieve being loved, I envy you. If you are loved by him, I envy you. I wish I knew how to heal you. Nutrition? Hahaha, it could work. Grief is a physical injury to the overstressed adrenals. Taking b,c, mg used to help me... But my life hurts too much now...

Parents are supposed to die, they leave behind a mini clone of themselves who can evolve forward. I can't look to the future either but you sound like you have one... I don't know all your reasons... But it'd be sad to die missing the old generation instead to embrace the new one... Maybe ask her advice in your heart, people speak at graves.

I wish your lover's mother could be there for you. Ask? Talk to her together?

Sometimes it can be simple... Maybe the mom would be happy to gain a daughter. If she calls him so often, she can spare some. She sounds like a hen who like to nurse chicks. I hope she'll take you under her wing.

Talk to your lover about your grief and if you can be welcomed in his family and talk to his mom. Why can't you already. I hope she doesn't hate you ... Like one of those weird moms clinging to their sons like lovers and seeing the girlfriend with jealousy like a rival. I'd change lovers if he let her do this shit...

I hope his mom will welcome you. Maybe she wishes it but shyness makes it look like disinterest. People are weird, I have no clue, just reach for what you want. Why envy when you could join.

 

[wljourney]

I envy your pain, I banned my narc mom, I was never loved. I wonder if you could ask your paren't boyfriend if they could adopt you s a member if the family, support you simply by talking to you too. Maybe a wedding is what would help you move forward. I hate those. But... You'd gain his family.

Your mom doesn't sound perfect. Maybe there's some lingering traumas that you didn't have enough time to fix. I miss what my mom never was... It's a horrible feeling. If you grieve being loved, I envy you. If you are loved by him, I envy you. I wish I knew how to heal you. Nutrition? Hahaha, it could work. Grief is a physical injury to the overstressed adrenals. Taking b,c, mg used to help me... But my life hurts too much now...

Parents are supposed to die, they leave behind a mini clone of themselves who can evolve forward. I can't look to the future either but you sound like you have one... I don't know all your reasons... But it'd be sad to die missing the old generation instead to embrace the new one... Maybe ask her advice in your heart, people speak at graves.

I wish your lover's mother could be there for you. Ask? Talk to her together?

Sometimes it can be simple... Maybe the mom would be happy to gain a daughter. If she calls him so often, she can spare some. She sounds like a hen who like to nurse chicks. I hope she'll take you under her wing.

Talk to your lover about your grief and if you can be welcomed in his family and talk to his mom. Why can't you already. I hope she doesn't hate you ... Like one of those weird moms clinging to their sons like lovers and seeing the girlfriend with jealousy like a rival. I'd change lovers if he let her do this shit...

I hope his mom will welcome you. Maybe she wishes it but shyness makes it look like disinterest. People are weird, I have no clue, just reach for what you want. Why envy when you could join.

I am sorry but those are some very weird and frankly a bit insultingvsuggestions.

I am sure that the SO's family is very lovely and supportive to her and the OP says herself that she is getting a lot of support from her SO. I would be very much surprised if his parents weren't equally supportive and kind

But someone else's mom can NEVER replace the mother you had and this is not grief about not having "a" mom.

It is grief about not having been given more time with the mom she had. Not being able to connect until very late.
Grieving the relationship that they may have had if they had been able to understand each other and connect sooner.
It is grief about not having the mom she deserved, not having the relationship that should or could have been and how life could have been different for both of them.

Please don't suggest that you can simply "marry someone else's family". That's simply not how life works. It's what some movies might tell you, but it's not reality.

 

[hamvil]

You are lucky, I had an abusive mother which slapped me and humiliated me all the time. She killed herself when I was 14. It took a bit to accept she was not there anymore despite all the bad she did to me. Now I am 43 and I barely remember her.

 

[gimzero]

Evyryone who get out is lucky the others who live behind we are not.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really hard dealing with the loss of someone, after all it's one of those things that are simply inevitable in a life like this. I'm sorry that you suffer, suicide really is so unnecessarily complicated, I agree. People have already suffered enough in life without having to struggle in finding ways to leave. I wish you relief from pain.

 

[freedompass]

I hate how much I miss my mom. She has been gone for almost three years now and, even though I'm a grown ass woman in her 30s, I still can't get over the fact that I will never see her again. It's like I've lost every single tie I ever had to happy moments in my childhood. These were rare, but beautiful moments of feeling truly loved and valued. Our relationship wasn't easy. My mom didn't understand a really big part of me/my identity until later in her life, but she tried so hard and really pushed herself beyond her comfort to learn. Eventually, we got to the point that she embraced all of me - even those parts that she didn't initially understand - but that happened so close to her death that our relationship was only completely uncomplicated for a tiny fragment of our time together. There was still so much I wanted to experience with her. She did tell me at the end of her life that having me as her daughter was the best thing that ever happened to her, yet it took us 30+ years to get to that point.

I have a SO who loves me and cares for me beyond what I deserve. He has been so patient with my grief and has always done everything in his power to make sure I feel less paralyzed by this loss. Yet, it seems it's never enough. I feel so alone, and I'm ashamed to admit that seeing him happily talk to his parents on a regular basis stirs up intense feelings of envy. I feel awful for planning my CTB knowing that he will be devastated, but there's so little in life that remains appealing to me and I just know he'd be happier with someone who could more fully enjoy life with him.

Anyway, not really sure this post has a point. Just in a great deal of pain and no easy/straightforward CTB methods to help me end this hurt once and for all. I keep staring at my bottle of amitriptyline, but I have no benzos. I then look at my stash of SN and feel horrified about puking violently in my last few moments before death. Life is unbearably painful and death is just so unnecessarily complicated. I feel like a ghost who

Totally feel you. I know how fortunate I've been to have my mum around all this time (shes 90) and when I hear of people losing a loved parent so young I feel really sad for them. It must be a little comfort that your mum showed appreciation for you near her death and that she finally seemed to accept who you are, but it's completely natural that you would grieve for what might have been and envy people who still have their parent(s) around.

As far as the difficulty she had accepting who you are, I can relate. My mum is in denial about so many things. But my affection and appreciation of what she did manage to do overrides the resentment for the most part. I hope you find comfort and peace of mind.