I have no cognitive impairments, I've always been close, if not directly at, the top of my class without the need for tutoring or excessive assistance like many of my peers.
But socially I have nothing. I cannot respond to any "compliment" I receive regarding any aspect of me, in fact when I receive them I always wonder if they are backhanded or meant to make fun of me in a way they know I wouldn't understand and get more paranoid over. When attending any gatherings I always sit/stand in a corner alone, asking myself why I've even come if it just ends up with me being in an awful mood in an awful place. The few friends I've had are leaving/betraying me one by one. When people come and try to strike up conversations using conventional mannerisms and phrases they were so obviously taught to use when they were little it always makes me disinterested, unengaged, but also very anxious about their perception of me because I cannot adequately respond to these niceties.
I was not taught much about etiquette as a child and see them as rather oppressive remnants of the past. I have some theories as to why I've developed this view:
1. Because I was not taught and therefore do not understand these rules of etiquette, that I've come to loathe them.
2. My general dislike towards tradition caused by several events in the present and in the past
3. I am lazy, and lack the effort to put up appearances but also doesn't want to pay the price for it (But for some reason everyone else can maintain this effort with incredible ease)
Is this view I have stopping me from having deeper interactions? Has me refusing to engage in this world of superficial mannerisms forfeited me from becoming a normal member of society? Is that person's smile just for show, or are they genuinely happy to see me? This person's joke seems to poke fun of someone just like me, but everyone is laughing, do they all secretly hate me? Are they taking advantage of my social incompetence just to collectively satiate their sadistic desires?
I know these are irrational questions, but I cannot stop myself from asking them and getting negatively affected by even the possibility that the answer to some of them is: "Yes."
Or am I just too paranoid about their perceptions? Am I too self-centered, narcissistic even?
If anyone went through the trouble to read this, please let me know, I would appreciate it greatly. Thank you.
But socially I have nothing. I cannot respond to any "compliment" I receive regarding any aspect of me, in fact when I receive them I always wonder if they are backhanded or meant to make fun of me in a way they know I wouldn't understand and get more paranoid over. When attending any gatherings I always sit/stand in a corner alone, asking myself why I've even come if it just ends up with me being in an awful mood in an awful place. The few friends I've had are leaving/betraying me one by one. When people come and try to strike up conversations using conventional mannerisms and phrases they were so obviously taught to use when they were little it always makes me disinterested, unengaged, but also very anxious about their perception of me because I cannot adequately respond to these niceties.
I was not taught much about etiquette as a child and see them as rather oppressive remnants of the past. I have some theories as to why I've developed this view:
1. Because I was not taught and therefore do not understand these rules of etiquette, that I've come to loathe them.
2. My general dislike towards tradition caused by several events in the present and in the past
3. I am lazy, and lack the effort to put up appearances but also doesn't want to pay the price for it (But for some reason everyone else can maintain this effort with incredible ease)
Is this view I have stopping me from having deeper interactions? Has me refusing to engage in this world of superficial mannerisms forfeited me from becoming a normal member of society? Is that person's smile just for show, or are they genuinely happy to see me? This person's joke seems to poke fun of someone just like me, but everyone is laughing, do they all secretly hate me? Are they taking advantage of my social incompetence just to collectively satiate their sadistic desires?
I know these are irrational questions, but I cannot stop myself from asking them and getting negatively affected by even the possibility that the answer to some of them is: "Yes."
Or am I just too paranoid about their perceptions? Am I too self-centered, narcissistic even?
If anyone went through the trouble to read this, please let me know, I would appreciate it greatly. Thank you.
