BlendedHeart
It is what it is
- Mar 9, 2024
- 213
I'm an early sleeper. Woke up at midnight today, hyperventilating and crying. I don't know what was that. It hadn't happened to me before. Maybe I had a bad dream? Can't remember it. Probably all the bad feelings and thoughts during the day are affecting my sleep too. Sleeping is one of the few things that makes me happy. I'm gone, I'm far away from this world for a while. I don't mind the dreams, I prefer them to reality. Becoming insomniac would be a real nightmare.
Everyone else was sleeping, so that was good. No one could hear me. I was very tempted to going out and walk. Where? I don't know. It didn't matter. Just wanted to do something drastic, something irreversible, something to end it all. But it is very cold around here, so that, plus my drowsiness, discouraged me after a while.
I was pacing around my room until I couldn't resist the cold anymore and went back to bed. Repeated phrases have helped me in the past to calm down. So, in order to sleep, I said in my mind, over and over: "I'm gonna die tonight. I won't wake up". It helped me to sleep. But, as you can see, it didn't become a reality.
When I woke up this morning, I put a whatsapp status saying "please, I need to talk to someone", hoping that any of my few contacts would answer. I could talk to them, but I need to know if they still care about me. It's kinda humilliating to think like that at my age, but, at this point, I don't care about that, or much else. I wish my happiness and mental state wouldn't depend on other people. I wish I was a stoic, or a person capable of being alone without worries. But it is impossible for me at this point. It was easier when I was younger, trying to show I was too cool for companionship. Now I crave for it, and maybe it's too late.
Everyone else was sleeping, so that was good. No one could hear me. I was very tempted to going out and walk. Where? I don't know. It didn't matter. Just wanted to do something drastic, something irreversible, something to end it all. But it is very cold around here, so that, plus my drowsiness, discouraged me after a while.
I was pacing around my room until I couldn't resist the cold anymore and went back to bed. Repeated phrases have helped me in the past to calm down. So, in order to sleep, I said in my mind, over and over: "I'm gonna die tonight. I won't wake up". It helped me to sleep. But, as you can see, it didn't become a reality.
When I woke up this morning, I put a whatsapp status saying "please, I need to talk to someone", hoping that any of my few contacts would answer. I could talk to them, but I need to know if they still care about me. It's kinda humilliating to think like that at my age, but, at this point, I don't care about that, or much else. I wish my happiness and mental state wouldn't depend on other people. I wish I was a stoic, or a person capable of being alone without worries. But it is impossible for me at this point. It was easier when I was younger, trying to show I was too cool for companionship. Now I crave for it, and maybe it's too late.
