method/damnthiswaslongasallhell

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

worst 15 days of a very long life ever.

lost everyone and everything.

without mentioning ALL THE FUCK SHIT THAT HAS HAPPENED (it's in my phone, macbook, iCloud, facebook (public), the passwords to all my accounts are known too, and
safe, in Dashlane too, wrote the passcode for my phone and Dashlane in my "the note" Spotify playlist, also accessible to only my bf/police who find me, point being THE PROOF IS ALL THERE):

lost my money (spent all on survival/people who didn't deserve it) which i also had $40 stolen by a kid who told me he would pick me up when he knew i was suicidal and in a hotel room and broke and about to die, waited for him, bought him coffee, he never showed and never answered again, knowing i needed the money and was worried about HIM last he knew)

used my actual last $$$ on my meal last night. they didn't give me my food stamps until last night, so i had to order doordash for two nights.

lost my physical health (i had lost at least 10 pounds from last Monday through Thursday, which i am fat and wasn't trying to) due to poisoning from fumigation at the place i've been staying at that has roaches, is unsafe, and small. i could get out by next week but again am so sick. and sick and tired.

i lost everything and EVERYONE, minus 2 people.

had a bf i since 9/29/22 that i did everything for, including spend all my money on, kept him alive when he had a gun, talked to him every waking hour, tried everything to show him i loved him. even when i told him i was unstable, that i needed to help myself, that i needed a break, he refused to let me leave him. which i didn't want to, and don't want to, but i still wasn't enough for him. i don't do codependency. a lot has happened that no one knows. i needed to help myself.

i have 1 friend. he is so lovely and amazing. he is struggling too. he is in Vegas though. and friends with my bf, and doesn't need my shit.

had those 2 people, am doing this to protect them.

everyone (911, agencies, family, etc) knows i'm going to off myself. i am going to do it now, as soon as i can find a method, but because i have NEGATIVE money in the bank, i need to be smart about it: everyone has known for 2 weeks, and one cares.

i need to pick a method that'll work and is free. i'm physically weak to do much, and broke, but want it to work too. i'm looking at the mega threads.

never thought i'd die EXACTLY like this. if someone could keep me company for a bit until i can find the method, or even just a simple comment would suffice.

i'm leaving this world, not feeling a single
person cares or loves me, when all i did was love and want to be loved.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds very awful what you are going through, and it's just so horrifying how life can just get worse, causing even more suffering to be experienced. There really is nothing fair about this life, this world we live in is so cruel and nightmarish. Of course it should be much easier to finally be gone from this world. I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.

 

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

That sounds very awful what you are going through, and it's just so horrifying how life can just get worse, causing even more suffering to be experienced. There really is nothing fair about this life, this world we live in is so cruel and nightmarish. Of course it should be much easier to finally be gone from this world. I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.

i was JUST told on the phone by the 2 people i was surviving for, that i'm selfish for worrying them. that i am driving them crazy. that they "love me" but will not sugarcoat anything.

WITHOUT GETTING EVEN a word in edgewise.

i was JUST told on the phone by the 2 people i was surviving for, that i'm selfish for worrying them. that i am driving them crazy. that they "love me" but will not sugarcoat anything.

WITHOUT GETTING EVEN a word in edgewise.

i am genuinely so confused. i warned them i was crazy. wanted to KILL MYSELF to make sure they didn't have to worry about me. spent all my time trying to take care of them.

and I'M selfish?

 

[Hollowman]

You're not selfish people suck.

 

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

You're not selfish people suck.

i was sent to the ER, pink slipped, and ultimately kicked out and refused inpatient because they spoke to my abusive old group home (who will do anything to have me not sue them, include have me kill myself/be dead) and released me into their custody against the law (want to sue them and the home, could win) but of course i roamed the street til i had to go back to the temporary group home where i was almost assaulted and is filthy).

my bf and a "friend" were the people mentioned before. the "friend" ditched me already and tried to get my bf to break up with me so he could fuck me. my bf is unstable and coercing/codependent and possibly dangerous. met both of them at the hospital a month ago. exactly why i don't fuck with most men especially ones at the hospital or younger than me.

i have NO ONE still. my mom still being abusive from distance too despite me trying to escape her. i want to die so bad. i also don't want these people, this home, these agencies, my mom, anyone to win.

but i am genuinely so tired and just want peace.