Venting messed up my life for no fucking reason

[unbelievablydead]

the reason i want to (more so have to) ctb is so fucking stupid. i mean, i think if anyone did what i did, they probably couldn't live with themselves either. there's very few things that are permanent: death, bringing a child into the world, a lot of disabilities (whether born with or caused by an accident)... and then there's this secret thing that i did that i'm too shameful to admit... i just can't believe i did this. i'm just so disappointed and angry at myself. everything was in line for me and i just had to go and fuck it up. not to take away accountability from myself, but the idea came out of nowhere, it almost feels like i was cursed or turned manic or something. i will never understand how i could make the choice i did, never. i am trying to fix it now as a last resort before i decide to ctb. i'm not religious and still don't believe in god, but i'm praying that this can be resolved. i want to live, i really do. but i can't live with myself unless i can fix this. sending lots of love, and i'm so sorry.

 

[eternalpace]

i am trying to fix it now as a last resort before i decide to ctb. i'm not religious and still don't believe in god, but i'm praying that this can be resolved. i want to live, i really do. but i can't live with myself unless i can fix this. sending lots of love, and i'm so sorry.

Perhaps if you post general information about what you did, people can offer advice or suggestions about possible solutions. It seems that your first choice is to solve whatever is going on, which is probably a good idea. The more you can or choose to share, the more options you might find available for taking care of whatever is going on.

 

[unbelievablydead]

Perhaps if you post general information about what you did, people can offer advice or suggestions about possible solutions. It seems that your first choice is to solve whatever is going on, which is probably a good idea. The more you can or choose to share, the more options you might find available for taking care of whatever is going on.

this is very kind and wise, thank you <3. i want to share, but it just makes me feel like a monster. i'm having my mom help me with resolving this issue, and hopefully, that will work, but the risk is still there.

 

[eternalpace]

this is very kind and wise, thank you <3. i want to share, but it just makes me feel like a monster. i'm having my mom help me with resolving this issue, and hopefully, that will work, but the risk is still there.

Nobody here is without fault... People screw up... It's part of life. I hope your mom can help with the issue... If you get to the point where you need/want advice, perhaps you can post at least general info about what's going on. I hope things get taken care of.

 

[Jimmy.]

We have all made mistakes in our lives. I've made multiple that fill me with deep shame. Some have caused embarrassment, others have damaged relationships and caused others psychological pain.

It does ease with time. Sometimes there is no fixing it either, all you can do is to learn from it.

In terms of sharing, this is a safe non-judgmental place.

Great that you have that relationship with your mum and are tying to work through the problem.

 

[unbelievablydead]

We have all made mistakes in our lives. I've made multiple that fill me with deep shame. Some have caused embarrassment, others have damaged relationships and caused others psychological pain.

It does ease with time. Sometimes there is no fixing it either, all you can do is to learn from it.

In terms of sharing, this is a safe non-judgmental place.

Great that you have that relationship with your mum and are tying to work through the problem.

the thing is that i caused myself psychological pain, and i can't live with myself. i fucked up so bad, and i just hate myself. i know people make mistakes, but this one is just so fucking stupid and awful. i just feel like i lost everything- my peace, my dignity, my self-respect... and the really odd thing is that i thought i was aligned whenever i made the decision i did, but looking back it's like "wtf??? why would you think that's ok?? how is that aligned with who you are??". everyday is torture for me because of what i did, and i just can't forgive myself. i know that's the only way forward, but i just can't. i'm very lucky to have the mom that i do, but i also know i disappointed my whole family, and i don't understand how i could be so selfish and not think of them and the people i was affecting with this. it feels like i had this tunnel vision and i just needed someone to snap me back into reality. i just.... i don't know, i don't know who i am anymore. i completely lost myself and it seems like there's no way back. sorry for the rant, and thank you for being here <3

 

[Jimmy.]

It's done now, you cannot change the past. Focus on the future and what you can change.

You are showing genuine remorse and I'm sure you wouldn't do the same again.

I do empathise with how you feel, multiple people are living with the effects of mistakes I have made. Not a lot I can do about it now, but try to be better in the future.

Sounds like you have a great mum who will love you no matter what. You're not the first person to fuck up so try to not be so hard on yourself.