annxietty
“Is there no way out of the mind?”
- Mar 27, 2023
- 181
Went to the psychiatrist a month ago, finally I could reach him, he gave me new dose of medications and one or two more to add on top of the ones I already had... long story short amazing two first weeks, I was high like ive never been before, laughed at everything, couldnt walk straight (i still performed very good at my job lol), my mind couldnt focus on anything for too long so goodbye brain, people around me who didnt know I was taking meds thought I was taking drugs, my family tho knew it was the meds and my sister told me "i dont know if I prefere the 'high you' or the 'depressed you' " I laughed and told her "well, to me is an easy choice". My family is always "do you really need meds?" but have no patience left when I show symptoms of my mental problems and the meds are not doing what they are supposed to be doing...
To summarize, after the first two weeks I felt an explosion of anxiety, quite literally... I was sitting in my room (like always) and suddenly it was like everything was going on in that precise moment, it was 2 am I couldnt call anyone, I heard my sister and her family sleeping, but it was like something was behind me ready to get me, I was starting to have an anxiety attack and took emergency meds. Since then my anxiety is equal or worse than before starting the meds, I know they are not magic (i myself im tired of explaining to my family they are not happy pills) that I have to work my way with therapy and all that bullshit, but how can I when my mind is never relaxed? when everything is dangerous? im tired, not the therapy or the meds work, maybe there is nothing to be done, I just want to either die or be left alone, with enough money to live good, with no social responsabilities, no one to disappoint, no one that looks at me and rolls their eyes because "im lazy", no social events that make me go into a panic attack mode... just alone... why not dead then.
To summarize, after the first two weeks I felt an explosion of anxiety, quite literally... I was sitting in my room (like always) and suddenly it was like everything was going on in that precise moment, it was 2 am I couldnt call anyone, I heard my sister and her family sleeping, but it was like something was behind me ready to get me, I was starting to have an anxiety attack and took emergency meds. Since then my anxiety is equal or worse than before starting the meds, I know they are not magic (i myself im tired of explaining to my family they are not happy pills) that I have to work my way with therapy and all that bullshit, but how can I when my mind is never relaxed? when everything is dangerous? im tired, not the therapy or the meds work, maybe there is nothing to be done, I just want to either die or be left alone, with enough money to live good, with no social responsabilities, no one to disappoint, no one that looks at me and rolls their eyes because "im lazy", no social events that make me go into a panic attack mode... just alone... why not dead then.
