Where do I start? I've been a long time lingerer on here and felt I could always come here too feel im
Not alone. Im not sure if I'm embarrassed or ashamed or angry with myself. Perhaps all of these and more really I've certainly got a lot of self loathing that's ever present in myself.
I suffer from memory issues, vision problems possible neurogenic bladder, nerve problems mostly in hands and feet. Possibly lung problems. Only one of my nostrils ever seems to work.
I think my problems started when I took up model making. I always struggled with Anxiety and OCD before my hobby and generally feeling a bit lost in life and thought this hobby would be great. I'm just not sure I was safe enough having done this now for a number of years. Don't get me wrong I don't huff paint or glues or drink them. I do have some restraint but did I always use a mask? Yes sometimes but not always. but was it always the right one? Same with gloves.
Im not stumbling around dribbling, I can string a competent sentence together. I can drive a car and react accordingly. Always been the best driver out of everyone I know. I'm not brain dead. I want to make that clear. I have enough of a brain to know how I feel and why I feel the way I do. I just feel incomplete.
My family says I'm being paranoid and it can't be chemical and toxic damage. Then why am I having these issues? I honestly wish I had never started this hobby.
I was young and naive and my obsessive personality got me hooked into the hobby like I do with most things. it's not like I'm trying to get high of this stuff or use it for the wrong reasons. I just took my health for granted perhaps. I feel so so stupid.
I feel so totally isolated from any notion of a future and alone in my head but unable to escape. I feel so absolutely, well idiotic. Laugh at me and call me a fool. I'm just so scared. Really scared.
I've had two mental breakdowns from this fear in the past. My bloods come back fine. I even had an MRI and they said nothing to worry about. Why is my working memory so bad then? Why all these issues?
The thing is I've got a good family and an amazing dog and girlfriend and all I want to do is go back in time to fix myself which is impossible so now all I want to do is die. I can't find peace. I feel like I'm broken.
I can't see myself getting better. I'm in limbo right now. I keep thinking about hanging myself as that's the only method I think I could pull off.
Not alone. Im not sure if I'm embarrassed or ashamed or angry with myself. Perhaps all of these and more really I've certainly got a lot of self loathing that's ever present in myself.
I suffer from memory issues, vision problems possible neurogenic bladder, nerve problems mostly in hands and feet. Possibly lung problems. Only one of my nostrils ever seems to work.
I think my problems started when I took up model making. I always struggled with Anxiety and OCD before my hobby and generally feeling a bit lost in life and thought this hobby would be great. I'm just not sure I was safe enough having done this now for a number of years. Don't get me wrong I don't huff paint or glues or drink them. I do have some restraint but did I always use a mask? Yes sometimes but not always. but was it always the right one? Same with gloves.
Im not stumbling around dribbling, I can string a competent sentence together. I can drive a car and react accordingly. Always been the best driver out of everyone I know. I'm not brain dead. I want to make that clear. I have enough of a brain to know how I feel and why I feel the way I do. I just feel incomplete.
My family says I'm being paranoid and it can't be chemical and toxic damage. Then why am I having these issues? I honestly wish I had never started this hobby.
I was young and naive and my obsessive personality got me hooked into the hobby like I do with most things. it's not like I'm trying to get high of this stuff or use it for the wrong reasons. I just took my health for granted perhaps. I feel so so stupid.
I feel so totally isolated from any notion of a future and alone in my head but unable to escape. I feel so absolutely, well idiotic. Laugh at me and call me a fool. I'm just so scared. Really scared.
I've had two mental breakdowns from this fear in the past. My bloods come back fine. I even had an MRI and they said nothing to worry about. Why is my working memory so bad then? Why all these issues?
The thing is I've got a good family and an amazing dog and girlfriend and all I want to do is go back in time to fix myself which is impossible so now all I want to do is die. I can't find peace. I feel like I'm broken.
I can't see myself getting better. I'm in limbo right now. I keep thinking about hanging myself as that's the only method I think I could pull off.
