May try to jump tonight

[SomebodyBroken]

Again, my point was that the OP isn't talking about jumping into water. He's talking about jumping onto railroad tracks. Dry land. No swimming involved.

hmm translation errors. sorry, this sometimes happens with me . the rules for constructing a sentence kill me a little, yet I got used to completely different ones) xX

 

[jake3d]

I don't know, I am just incredibly overwhelmed with work and life. My job has become unbearable but pays me well. I can't take a lower paying job with less stress and still maintain my current life.

As someone who made the same mistake, i can tell you, fuck money. Unless you absolutely cannot survive on anything less (which i doubt), i'd advise you to go easier on yourself. Go on a vacation. Quit the job for something a little less stressful. Make yourself feel better before you sustain irreversible damage as I did.

 

[Cheesedoodle 1]

I am definitely more upset today than yesterday. There is a better chance I go for a ride to the bridge tonight. I pray I can just walk up and jump off and be done with his misery known as life.

 

[Soul]

I don't know, I am just incredibly overwhelmed with work and life. My job has become unbearable but pays me well. I can't take a lower paying job with less stress and still maintain my current life. I am not having a very good work day right now so my chances of jumping are going up. If its just a percentage higher idk but its definitely going up.

I'm sorry things are so difficult and stressful. Is there a way you can at least take a break from your work, as @jake3d suggests?

 

[Cheesedoodle 1]

I'm sorry things are so difficult and stressful. Is there a way you can at least take a break from your work, as @jake3d suggests?

IDK, i had a break for a week when i got 302d. The problem is im not very good at my job, I do field IT work for small businesses. I pretty much just rely on coworkers to help me out, any time i run into a problem i just panic. not sure how i made it this many years doing this. My boss never got complaints from me and saw me handle a few hard installs over years and kept giving me raises and i adjusted my life style to that. He also gave me more and more complex networks to support and I really can't stand it anymore. I hate the stress of making sure these networks stay up and are backed up and secure. I need a lower paying job but I have too much to pay for. House, car payment, summer camp/after school care for my boys. I would much rather my family have my life insurance money which should be around a million. I am fine with my wife finding someone else better suited for handling life than myself. Something hasn't been right with me for a long time, I really don't know how I made it to 35 like I have. I have always worried endlessly about everything.

Well i need to try to pack up at this client and get out the door. I hope tonight is my last dinner with my family and I can be set free of life.

 

[Soul]

Ohhh man - are you sure? I don't know what 302d means, sorry, but a week off is almost nothing. Can you talk with your boss about the stress and tell him you need like two months' break to spend with your family? Talk with a doctor about better meds? Talk with your family about cutting back on expenses? The bridge will still be there if you need it. I wish you well no matter what you decide to do, but please consider it, ok?

 

[NextSummer]

Does your family know that you are feeling really really bad? I feel like you should tell them openly about your problems. You will see that if they notice that it's dead serious, that everybody will be okay with a more simpler life and you will feel a lot less pressure.

 

[Cheesedoodle 1]

Ohhh man - are you sure? I don't know what 302d means, sorry, but a week off is almost nothing. Can you talk with your boss about the stress and tell him you need like two months' break to spend with your family? Talk with a doctor about better meds? Talk with your family about cutting back on expenses? The bridge will still be there if you need it. I wish you well no matter what you decide to do, but please consider it, ok?

302 means I was involuntarily committed to a psych ward. I kept talking about how I didn't want to be around anymore and how I thought of different methods. Everyone keeps talking about meds but I don't see how that is going to solve my problems. I really really really really don't want to be here. But I really don't know if I have the guts to actually jump. I drank a glass of wine just now to try to relax a bit. Hope it helps get me to actually jump.

 

[Dartz]

The survival instinct is powerful no matter how far gone you think you are. If you're gonna jump you'll need to be beyond certain as to your will to die, trust me

 

[DepressionsAHo]

The survival instinct is powerful no matter how far gone you think you are. If you're gonna jump you'll need to be beyond certain as to your will to die, trust me

Agreed. Looking over the edge for even a moment makes your heart pound. I did it for a moment and the desire but not the will to jump came over me

 

[Soul]

Thanks for explaining 302, @Cheesedoodle 1. Meds don't solve problems but sometimes they can nudge us into a better frame of mind to deal with problems. It's something you could talk with a doctor about, if you want to try something other than the bridge. Which will still be there if you need it.

I don't mean to be spewing platitudes at you, @Cheesedoodle 1 - I wish I could give you a good long break from all that stress.

 

[Grief]

Could you possibly sit down with your wife (and maybe a neutral party if she is not sympathetic) to explain how you feel and ask the for help with changes in your life that will make things less stressful? Perhaps you can approach your boss as well. At our business, we accommodated many employees that had personal issues. As an employer we valued more than hard workers; just showing up is very important or letting the employer know you are not going to show up. It costs a lot to train an employee and your employer may be willing to accommodate your desire for less stressful assignments to keep you since what you write indicates you are a valued, well trained employee. You can always try the meds for awhile and wean off of them if you don't like them.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

Please, don't do it. I attempted suicide 20 years ago. I'm glad I'm still alive.

Why are you on a pro-choice board if all u can offer is "please don't do it"? Considering you just joined I'm wondering if you are a spy. @Marquis please watch this person. I have my doubts on her authenticity based on response. Not that I'm advocating suicide. It's just not a "normal" pro-choice response not to mention there was no "helpful" feedback.

I have been looking around the board for a while and I can't think of another way. I tried the night night method and my head just turned purple, never blacked out. ...
So I just don't know if I walk up to this railing, 20 stories up, how I can get the courage to actually do it.
...
Enough of me rambling.

Honestly it doesn't sound like you are ready to make a decision. Don't force it. I'm not sure how supportive your spouse is but you may want to talk it over with them (unless of course they would have you committed). Are you really ready to leave them?

 

[Ruffian]

302 means I was involuntarily committed to a psych ward. I kept talking about how I didn't want to be around anymore and how I thought of different methods. Everyone keeps talking about meds but I don't see how that is going to solve my problems. I really really really really don't want to be here. But I really don't know if I have the guts to actually jump. I drank a glass of wine just now to try to relax a bit. Hope it helps get me to actually jump.

I was 302d a couple times after a gesture and then an attempt. I really feel for what you are going through, I am here for the same reason. I hate the pressures of work and money, feel like everyone would be better without me. I'm not clear on the meds they gave you, but they do take a little while to work, sometimes 6-8 weeks. I'm not trying to diagnose you over a suicide forum, but maybe they will start working? I read an account on here if someone who jumped and ended up in a wheelchair. Meds have worked for me in the past, now I just can't tolerate side effects. Not everyone gets them. This is a pro-choice forum, which means the decision is in your hands. You will find when you're ready you may not even post as much as a goodbye. The times I made serious attempts it was very personal & private. Making the decision is the hardest part. I'm not one of those I'm so glad I survived people, I'm really not. The persistence of wanting to die is something that's just always with me. I wish I could say something to make things better for you, I just wanted to say I created a whole thread on how I'm here due to work.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

I'm not afraid of criticism. I've experienced a fair amount of pain in my life.

Why are you here then?
You're not offering support
You're not asking him about his situation
You're not even offering condolences
Just a simple "don't do it" as if that helps or stops anybody. What was the entire point of your post? I'm not being a dick but I presume I know where you came from and words like that help nobody.

That poster @numbereight is likely a spy from @Kakabushi family. She should be banned.

IDK, i had a break for a week when i got 302d. The problem is im not very good at my job, I do field IT work for small businesses. I pretty much just rely on coworkers to help me out, any time i run into a problem i just panic. not sure how i made it this many years doing this. My boss never got complaints from me and saw me handle a few hard installs over years and kept giving me raises and i adjusted my life style to that. He also gave me more and more complex networks to support and I really can't stand it anymore. I hate the stress of making sure these networks stay up and are backed up and secure. I need a lower paying job but I have too much to pay for. House, car payment, summer camp/after school care for my boys. I would much rather my family have my life insurance money which should be around a million. I am fine with my wife finding someone else better suited for handling life than myself. Something hasn't been right with me for a long time, I really don't know how I made it to 35 like I have. I have always worried endlessly about everything.

Well i need to try to pack up at this client and get out the door. I hope tonight is my last dinner with my family and I can be set free of life.

Have you considered filing for SSDI benefits? It sounds like you are on the b rink of a breakdown. And are not healthy to work. It's not an immediate solution but with the 302 and your history you sound like a prime case for an easy approval. I don't know how much your wife makes but you should contact a lawyer before making this decision since you aren't 100% sure.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

That poster @numbereight is likely a spy from @Kakabushi family. She should be banned.


Have you considered filing for SSDI benefits? It sounds like you are on the b rink of a breakdown. And are not healthy to work. It's not an immediate solution but with the 302 and your history you sound like a prime case for an easy approval. I don't know how much your wife makes but you should contact a lawyer before making this decision since you aren't 100% sure.

I would assume so. I was going to report it but I didn't really know what to say. Whoever it is most likely is from fb, saw the post and is trying to be a white knight but failing. I hope there's not an influx of people showing up like that. How annoying. I wonder what they said when asking to join this forum?

Thanks for explaining 302, @Cheesedoodle 1. Meds don't solve problems but sometimes they can nudge us into a better frame of mind to deal with problems. It's something you could talk with a doctor about, if you want to try something other than the bridge. Which will still be there if you need it.

I don't mean to be spewing platitudes at you, @Cheesedoodle 1 - I wish I could give you a good long break from all that stress.

This is how you offer support <3 cheers to you love

 

[Cheesedoodle 1]

Thanks for all the messages everyone. Obviously I'm still here, I definitely need to figure something out because I can't keep going like this. Every morning and work day I tell myself I need to go to that bridge and jump cause I can't keep going on like this, and every night I just fall asleep on the couch hoping I don't wake up. Eventually this cycle has got to end.


I got dressed for work. I really can't keep going like this. I plan on going for a ride tonight to the bridge. I may drive that way to my office to just get a bit more comfortable driving to it.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

Thanks for all the messages everyone. Obviously I'm still here, I definitely need to figure something out because I can't keep going like this. Every morning and work day I tell myself I need to go to that bridge and jump cause I can't keep going on like this, and every night I just fall asleep on the couch hoping I don't wake up. Eventually this cycle has got to end.

Glad to see you are thinking about it rationally instead of emotionally. That's a great sign. I'm passing on some info a friend found helpful about how to get on SSDI quickly. It might help to have a break from work just to be able to think about everything so you can come to the right decisions for yourself.

The Sleepy Girl Guide to Social Security Disability

A self-advocacy guide to Social Security Disability. This guide is designed for anyone who is homebound and for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Lyme Disease, POTS, EDS, MCAS, M…

howtogeton.wordpress.com

I'm sorry you are stressed. Sending my best. Much love and hugs to you.

 

[Ruffian]

Glad to see you are thinking about it rationally instead of emotionally. That's a great sign. I'm passing on some info a friend found helpful about how to get on SSDI quickly. It might help to have a break from work just to be able to think about everything so you can come to the right decisions for yourself.

The Sleepy Girl Guide to Social Security Disability

A self-advocacy guide to Social Security Disability. This guide is designed for anyone who is homebound and for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Lyme Disease, POTS, EDS, MCAS, M…

howtogeton.wordpress.com

I'm sorry you are stressed. Sending my best. Much love and hugs to you.

Hey thanks for posting this great resource.

 

[Cheesedoodle 1]

I'm still here but every day I feel more and more desperate not to be here. Shouldn't a jump from 200 feet be fairly certain fatal? I plan on going tonight again. I hope there is enough moon light that I can see where I'm falling. There are train tracks I'm aiming for. I just hope at night I can see where they are so I can aim correctly.

I'm also thinking about just falling backwards to help overcome SI. Not sure what else to do. I'm done with this life.

I have to do this tonight. There is no other way

 

[Cheesedoodle 1]

I keep staring at these sceenshots of the spot wondering if I could jump.

 

[WideAwake]

I keep staring at these sceenshots of the spot wondering if I could jump.

Those are very enticing photos. I even imagined myself jumping that railing, and I am not one for heights. Why the sense of urgency if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Cheesedoodle 1]

I changed gears. I never drove to the bridge because I knew I wouldn't be able to jump. I switched gears, I was considering the SN method. I ordered SN, primperan, and tagamet. Work and life is becoming unbearable, I hope everything is in by Friday so I can do it this weekend.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

I changed gears. I never drove to the bridge because I knew I wouldn't be able to jump. I switched gears, I was considering the SN method. I ordered SN, primperan, and tagamet. Work and life is becoming unbearable, I hope everything is in by Friday so I can do it this weekend.

I'm sorry you're still in pain. Did you consider any of the suggestions regarding SSDI? Maybe you just need a break from work stress to create a new plan, or switch gears again.

 

[Rukia]

I do not know you but you sound unsure about the CTB...maybe if work is the only problem it is not worth it i.e commiting suicide over it...

 

[Cheesedoodle 1]

I'm sorry you're still in pain. Did you consider any of the suggestions regarding SSDI? Maybe you just need a break from work stress to create a new plan, or switch gears again.

I didn't because I figured it wouldn't pay what I'm making now. I'm just so stuck in life, I am paid well and have my life geared around that. I can't afford to step down to anything that pays less. I am in IT and I'm sick of it but I can't make a lateral jump into a different career.

 

[Soul]

Can you talk with anyone about how you're feeling? Your boss most likely doesn't mean to be putting more pressure on you than you can stand. Can you talk with your wife or doctor about it?
I hate how badly you feel and I understand wanting to make that stop, but it keeps seeming possible for things to change in your life without ending it.
I hope you make the best decision for yourself.

 

[SpanishLullaby]

I didn't because I figured it wouldn't pay what I'm making now. I'm just so stuck in life, I am paid well and have my life geared around that. I can't afford to step down to anything that pays less. I am in IT and I'm sick of it but I can't make a lateral jump into a different career.

How are you expecting your family to live after you are gone? Her life is also structured around your income. Have you ever logged on to SSA.gov or seen your benefits statement?

On that form there is a figure that states how much you'd get if you were permanently disabled. Why not take that amount and try to back into how you could afford to live if that were your income.

I also agree with @Soul. Your boss could potentially put you in a business related roll that's better suited to your talents. There are still other options for you to consider.

Either way I hope you find peace with whatever decision is best for you.

 

[Kaput]

Those are very enticing photos. I even imagined myself jumping that railing, and I am not one for heights.

@WideAwake , are you for real? Enticing? OP has expressed fear and despair - as anyone would - not some flirtation with death. Lets try and be sympathetic.

@cheesedoodle1, @Soul has a point. If you ctb, income and any chance of a change go to null. From reading your posts, that seems to be the heart of the matter. Believe me, i understand toxic work environments. Here for you.

 

[Jessica5]

I keep staring at these sceenshots of the spot wondering if I could jump.

Jump on the bridge that's over land, rather than the bridge that's over water. Unless the bridge over water is a lot taller.