Story Mania masquerading as recovery ... my relationship with butsy and java .

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Warning :Drug user triggers .


Oversharing All about Me.
sorry folks .

Yesterday , well 48 hours ago I scored from my local dealer ... the corner store .

Eight months I've been separated from the true loves of my life ... Caffeine and Nicotine .

Stash acquired , sauntered home , guiltily .
Water on the stove , wrapper ripped open ... the scent is intoxicating .
Rolling it up and inserting the filter .

A fresh shiney black bic flick lighter .

And my old self walks in the door ... quiet at first ,,, just calmly assured at this stage .
And what a relief .

And then the climb up that roller coaster slope to the top and weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cascading down those rails .

My only outlet - this site and a reddit board spammed mercilessly .

Me me me me me me

Peaked tonight on a thread and just talked about ME .
Fuckin' narcissist .

I do think there was some relevance , but ... that is just a side issue I think .

What I'm getting at ( finaly ) is that the personality of MANIA me , is perceived by myself as apositive 'gonna get things done' kind of dude ... almost always in the abstract ... as in WORDS and not the myriad responsibilities I am committed to and avoid all the time
but seemingly more 'actively' when high with my two soft cuddly drugs .

It's been a thirty plus year marriage ...

Who is the real me ?
Soft speed me or depressed 'missing my pals ' me ?

Both I guess .

I've totally blown it because if I keep on the fags I can't go woofing on organic farms ( they are anti tobacco nazi's - and I undestand , I've been strutting about the place holier than every other person for seven months now .

So this post is just about that nebulous identity ... where any 'addiction' is concerned I guess .

I'm not sure who is more obnoxious , depressed me or speeding manic me .

On the plus side ... having kicked the booze three years ago , now I have isolated these two compounds and can perceive their
'affect' ... maybe .

Sorry if I have been offensive and inappropriate and toxically over sharing .
I always wanted to be a performer , being a "TV is more real than reality" kid ...

Maybe this computer screen sets me off ... boadcasting on my own TV channel.

"Welcome to me " is a film I can relate to .
I may be being a little over critical.

Maybe it's a mood swing thing ... moving from " Idon't want to be " to " I am everything " ... an oceanic infantile self that floods
over the usual filter boundaries .

Anyway ... this website is awesome ... and thanks for the positive feedback and just being there in whatever imperfect
way , as we all are , and can only ever be , however "healed" we may become .

Still slightly guilty about the narcissism ...
Time to stop .

Ciggy time .

 

[oopswronglife]

Ja...I made the mistake of starting to drink coffee a couple of years ago after a lifetime of not. Now I get it. I tried to stop this year and a month of unending headaches put me back on it. It's for sure a drug in a big way. I really want to quit but things are so bad I cannot tolerate those migraines on top of that. I even tapered down. Guess I will just try slower next time...until then...bottom's up...then bottom down on the toilet 5min later for the predictable poop. Gonna miss that schedule.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

a month of unending headaches put me back on it.

You got headaches stopping ? So tapering down slowly might avoid headaches ? I hope so for your sake .

When an over the counter drug is so universal and accepted , nay , Celebrated ( coffee ) it's difficult to accept it's power.

I didn't get a headache ... well not yet ... and I remember expecting one .
I am assuming ( probably erroneously ) that my zero booze has a lot to do with it .
I was a two bottles of wine a night guy .
With butsy and java during the day .
Also ... not having refined sugar as a rule.

All our physiologies are different though genetically so generalizations are limited ...
Good luck with the tapering .
I'll have to kick it too .

 

[your pathologist]

Maybe it's a mood swing thing ... moving from " Idon't want to be " to " I am everything " ... an oceanic infantile self that floods
over the usual filter boundaries .

Holy crap i felt that.
Intense mood swings sense though

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Intense mood swings sense though

I don't quite get that .
I am assuming you are saying you have a similar sensation with pendulum or abrupt mood swings .
No worries ... just being pedantic .

My initial understanding was that you are inferring upon the mood swings 'themselves' as
some kind of sensing process in and of themselves ?
This initially seems senseless and meaningless ... but I like the way sometimes incomplete or
open statements can lead somewhere new .
The way the brain works with lurking shreds of consciousness 'stuff' littering the place does seem to make sense .

I may just be waffling for the sake of it .
I need to either sleep or go for a walk .

Massive internet marathon . Phew .

 

[your pathologist]

I don't quite get that .
I am assuming you are saying you have a similar sensation with pendulum or abrupt mood swings .
No worries ... just being pedantic .

My initial understanding was that you are inferring upon the mood swings 'themselves' as
some kind of sensing process in and of themselves ?
This initially seems senseless and meaningless ... but I like the way sometimes incomplete or
open statements can lead somewhere new .
The way the brain works with lurking shreds of consciousness 'stuff' littering the place does seem to make sense .

I may just be waffling for the sake of it .
I need to either sleep or go for a walk .

Massive internet marathon . Phew .

I suppose i meant i shift from being very very happy to being very very lost/lonely/sad very quickly and often.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Thats cool .
I am a frustrated intellectual so I like to see things that arent there a lot of the time ,
Cheers

 

[azucaramargo]

Warning :Drug user triggers .


Oversharing All about Me.
sorry folks .

Yesterday , well 48 hours ago I scored from my local dealer ... the corner store .

Eight months I've been separated from the true loves of my life ... Caffeine and Nicotine .

Stash acquired , sauntered home , guiltily .
Water on the stove , wrapper ripped open ... the scent is intoxicating .
Rolling it up and inserting the filter .

A fresh shiney black bic flick lighter .

And my old self walks in the door ... quiet at first ,,, just calmly assured at this stage .
And what a relief .

And then the climb up that roller coaster slope to the top and weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cascading down those rails .

My only outlet - this site and a reddit board spammed mercilessly .

Me me me me me me

Peaked tonight on a thread and just talked about ME .
Fuckin' narcissist .

I do think there was some relevance , but ... that is just a side issue I think .

What I'm getting at ( finaly ) is that the personality of MANIA me , is perceived by myself as apositive 'gonna get things done' kind of dude ... almost always in the abstract ... as in WORDS and not the myriad responsibilities I am committed to and avoid all the time
but seemingly more 'actively' when high with my two soft cuddly drugs .

It's been a thirty plus year marriage ...

Who is the real me ?
Soft speed me or depressed 'missing my pals ' me ?

Both I guess .

I've totally blown it because if I keep on the fags I can't go woofing on organic farms ( they are anti tobacco nazi's - and I undestand , I've been strutting about the place holier than every other person for seven months now .

So this post is just about that nebulous identity ... where any 'addiction' is concerned I guess .

I'm not sure who is more obnoxious , depressed me or speeding manic me .

On the plus side ... having kicked the booze three years ago , now I have isolated these two compounds and can perceive their
'affect' ... maybe .

Sorry if I have been offensive and inappropriate and toxically over sharing .
I always wanted to be a performer , being a "TV is more real than reality" kid ...

Maybe this computer screen sets me off ... boadcasting on my own TV channel.

"Welcome to me " is a film I can relate to .
I may be being a little over critical.

Maybe it's a mood swing thing ... moving from " Idon't want to be " to " I am everything " ... an oceanic infantile self that floods
over the usual filter boundaries .

Anyway ... this website is awesome ... and thanks for the positive feedback and just being there in whatever imperfect
way , as we all are , and can only ever be , however "healed" we may become .

Still slightly guilty about the narcissism ...
Time to stop .

Ciggy time .

Don't call yourself narcissistic. The mood swings are alienating; I get them, too. There's someone on this site -- I forget her screen name -- but she wrote something that made me feel so much better about my abrupt shifts from mania to depression. Wish I could find what she wrote. I just basically wanted to say I know how you feel. When I see myself go from manic to depressed in the span of minutes, I really feel worthless and hopeless and toxic and alone; we are not alone, though.

 

[your pathologist]

I just basically wanted to say I know how you feel. When I see myself go from manic to depressed in the span of minutes, I really feel worthless and hopeless and toxic and alone; we are not alone, though.

It's really refreshing to read someone else's description of their own mental state and know you really arent the only one feeling these horrible things...