Venting lying

[Lavínia]

I don't know if it's easier, or if it's just to detach myself, to eliminate the sense of sensitivity and guilt I still have. I'll start lying to myself, like I did when I was a child. At first, it's true, I'll just expand and exaggerate a bit. I'm doing an exercise where I hate and disgust my mother, my father, my grandmother, my sister... I just don't care about them, so much so that any interaction makes me hate. I want to disappoint them more, to further destroy this image they might have of me being even minimally part of them. Because of the suicide, I felt a lot of guilt about how my mother might feel, but I'll get rid of that, I'll overshadow it with the fact that I'm rotten, and that I hate her. This feeling, this illusion that I'm the only one who understands myself, that I'm unique and don't belong, without connections, and only telling lies, I'll build it more and more to distance myself as much as possible from everyone. I'll think about horrible things, I'll consume my mind to have as many regrets as possible about them, so I never feel like I can fix it. That way, there's no way to feel guilty.

The other, more unrealistic part is mixing fantasy and detaching myself even further from reality. I'll create a story. I'm a creature, a demon, who has infected a body, is consuming its mind, and my goal is to see how much worse I can make it. Something like that. Just like when I was a child, my goal now is this: as I get closer to my due date, I'll destroy the unfinished business I have, and anyone who could be affected.

 

[58Alice85]

I do not believe I am my own body, but this me part might die too when i kill the body. You can call it a demon if you want. I tend to think of it as a ghost. Every human has a ghost which is the real creature. The body is just for eating, drinking, moving around, eyesight, hearing, sex and so on. This does not necessarily imply this ghost keeps on existing when the body dies.