5nicotine
Member
- Jan 3, 2024
- 27
I've been getting better since the start of the year. I got back on meds and started at a new workplace. The suicidal thoughts aren't as intense as they used to be and the job is interesting enough for me to hedonistically have something to do while living. What is not getting better is my "self-esteem". I still see myself as an absolutely pathetic loser. I feel like anything I say in social situations is stupid, out of place, offensive or just somehow wrong. At my job I feel like a complete idiot and in the back of my mind I'm sure I'm going to get fired on probation. I ruminate on these kinds of mistakes without really remembering them, instead just somehow feeling that I did something wrong. When I'm alone I really spiral into these thoughts and know I just can't take being this horrible of a person until some kind of natural death.
"Rationally", meaning other people say this to me, I'm doing perfectly fine, am kind and have normal social skills and and have the qualifications for the demanding smart person job I'm doing. I see the points they're making and vaguely recognise what they're talking about, but I'm just not able to feel it or hold onto it longer than the part of the conversation with this hypothetical scenario where I'm an ok person. When I'm alone I start concocting these ideas about people purposefully lying to me about these things for some indeterminate reason. I think if I'm such a horrible person then why don't they want me to kill myself? Wouldn't it be a relief for them? They wouldn't even have to listen to me whine about my feelings anymore.
Last night, and I've done this a few times before with the same results, I told my friend how sorry I am for existing. I felt like surely she would understand what I'm talking about since I have all of these feelings about being an embarrasing idiot around her recently. She didn't and I just felt embarrased to be revealed as delusional. She, in a nice way, criticised me for doing it saying it felt like some kind of attention seeking behaviour. Today I apologised and tried to explain about the delusions with her maybe understanding it somewhat. The situation was defused, things are slightly tense, and to be honest I just want to apologise for existing again because I'm sure now she will understand how horrible I am.
So what am I supposed to do? I'm trying out schema therapy, but being able to resist the critical thoughts seems like an impossible task that's going to take, in the best case, years. I don't think I can take this that long. I've tried all kinds of antipsychotics over the last year and they haven't really helped all that much with the doses I've been taking. I'm scared of the side effects of using huge dosages and I'm skeptical about them helping that much. I have anorexia problems and already had a mild and (luckily) temporary case of tardive dyskinesia. There's not enough evidence for anticonvulsants and the one I tried for a long time just didn't do anything except stop ketamine from working (which also has not had any meaningful effect the next day). I'd like to try serotonin affecting medications again, but the last time I felt I got too excited from them, cried hypomania to my psychiatrist, and now she won't prescribe them anymore. Not that doing embarrasing stuff while too excited wouldn't just cause me to think even more that I'm an idiot.
I wish I'd managed to kill myself at my lowest, but I didn't and now I'm at a dead end.
"Rationally", meaning other people say this to me, I'm doing perfectly fine, am kind and have normal social skills and and have the qualifications for the demanding smart person job I'm doing. I see the points they're making and vaguely recognise what they're talking about, but I'm just not able to feel it or hold onto it longer than the part of the conversation with this hypothetical scenario where I'm an ok person. When I'm alone I start concocting these ideas about people purposefully lying to me about these things for some indeterminate reason. I think if I'm such a horrible person then why don't they want me to kill myself? Wouldn't it be a relief for them? They wouldn't even have to listen to me whine about my feelings anymore.
Last night, and I've done this a few times before with the same results, I told my friend how sorry I am for existing. I felt like surely she would understand what I'm talking about since I have all of these feelings about being an embarrasing idiot around her recently. She didn't and I just felt embarrased to be revealed as delusional. She, in a nice way, criticised me for doing it saying it felt like some kind of attention seeking behaviour. Today I apologised and tried to explain about the delusions with her maybe understanding it somewhat. The situation was defused, things are slightly tense, and to be honest I just want to apologise for existing again because I'm sure now she will understand how horrible I am.
So what am I supposed to do? I'm trying out schema therapy, but being able to resist the critical thoughts seems like an impossible task that's going to take, in the best case, years. I don't think I can take this that long. I've tried all kinds of antipsychotics over the last year and they haven't really helped all that much with the doses I've been taking. I'm scared of the side effects of using huge dosages and I'm skeptical about them helping that much. I have anorexia problems and already had a mild and (luckily) temporary case of tardive dyskinesia. There's not enough evidence for anticonvulsants and the one I tried for a long time just didn't do anything except stop ketamine from working (which also has not had any meaningful effect the next day). I'd like to try serotonin affecting medications again, but the last time I felt I got too excited from them, cried hypomania to my psychiatrist, and now she won't prescribe them anymore. Not that doing embarrasing stuff while too excited wouldn't just cause me to think even more that I'm an idiot.
I wish I'd managed to kill myself at my lowest, but I didn't and now I'm at a dead end.
