losing the battle.

[jacrispy]

I'm ready to go, truly. hate that I failed so many times to take my life. it's exhausting. my friends and family are worried about me but only check in every few days, if that. I'm just in my room waiting for the sun to go down. managed to leave my house today (albeit to get a nitrogen tank for suicide) and it rained all day. even when the sun is out it feels like there's rain. life has gotten so dark. haven't showered or changed in six days. took a nap from pure exhaustion and had horrible nightmares. just woke up and wish I hadn't. why are we doomed to suffer like this?

 

[Larysa]

You've shown such persistence.

I have no idea why things get so bad. It's fucking bleak .

 

[jacrispy]

You've shown such persistence.

I have no idea why things get so bad. It's fucking bleak .

I want this more than anything. trying to fix life feels pointless. it just gets bad again. maybe we just see the world for what it is while others find distraction.

 

[StaringIntoAnAbyss]

Sounds really terrible
I hope you find peace when you decide to go

 

[Larysa]

I want this more than anything. trying to fix life feels pointless. it just gets bad again. maybe we just see the world for what it is while others find distraction.

Good point. I'm rubbish at distraction. So much of what people do seems utterly pointless to me.

 

[jacrispy]

Sounds really terrible
I hope you find peace when you decide to go

thank you

Good point. I'm rubbish at distraction. So much of what people do seems utterly pointless to me.

just something to fill the void. sex, drugs, drinking, TV, TikTok. even something more meaningful to most like raising a family seems dark since the world is such a horrible place. who'd want them to be subjected to this?

 

[ThisUnrest]

My heart goes out to you. Im so sorry youve had such a tiring week and that your family and friends arent staying in touch enough. I know the feeling, people say they are worried, but then often avoid you. Youve been so helpful to everyone with all your technical updates. I know for certain you have earned the respect and gratitude of so many people. You deserve some comfort and peace. If only we could all be there for you in person, we would. Nightmares are the worst. Wishing you a calm mind and very happy and comforting dreams. Goodnight hug to you.

 

[jacrispy]

My heart goes out to you. Im so sorry youve had such a tiring week and that your family and friends arent staying in touch enough. I know the feeling, people say they are worried, but then often avoid you. Youve been so helpful to everyone with all your technical updates. I know for certain you have earned the respect and gratitude of so many people. You deserve some comfort and peace. If only we could all be there for you in person, we would. Nightmares are the worst. Wishing you a calm mind and very happy and comforting dreams. Goodnight hug to you.

you're right. the ones who claim to care are the same people who go days without a response or don't text you at all but are still active on social media. then they're going to cry at my funeral wondering what more they could've done. thank you for being kind and understanding. goodnight hug to you too

 

[Larysa]

This is so true.

I really feel for you @jacrispy. Do you want to talk about how you got to this point? Totally understand if not. Only you sound like a decent and capable guy. Which is ridiculous thinking on my part, as why wouldn't someone like that end up suicidal?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's so sad that often life is so cruel and unfair. I hope you can find peace what you are searching for.

 

[Artictart]

If you do go, i hope you find peace and happiness
I'm sorry things have been so hard

 

[FuneralCry]

To me existing certainly is so incredibly dreadful and futile, it's very much understandable just wishing to be free so badly as existing just leads to suffering. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Csmith8827]

gotten so dark. haven't showered or changed in six days

I'm at the beginning of day 3 without eating... your not alone. I'm just not hungry and it's shit to try to force myself to eat...

 

[Lost Magic]

I know how you feel my friend. Life can be exhausting, and the world is becoming increasingly shittier. I feel your pain and I also get horrid nightmares, but living can be the biggest nightmare. You are not alone mate. We all get where you are coming from, or we wouldn't be here in the first place. Peace

 

[jacrispy]

This is so true.

I really feel for you @jacrispy. Do you want to talk about how you got to this point? Totally understand if not. Only you sound like a decent and capable guy. Which is ridiculous thinking on my part, as why wouldn't someone like that end up suicidal?

I was with someone I thought I was in a relationship with. met her parents, photos of us were on social media, my friends knew her. we slept together and 2 weeks later she said she didn't want to be touched anymore, couldn't give me the affection I wanted, that the terminology of a relationship made her uncomfortable, meeting her parents wasn't a big deal because everyone does. she ghosted me and months later turned around to claim I was aware she was anxious during and immediately after we slept together, which isn't true. very heavily implied I took advantage of her. then my dog died. I have recurring nightmares of assaulting her even though I didn't. it was gaslighting but the guilt still remains. perhaps if I'm truly capable and decent that's why I'm feeling the need to do this. people are evil, they will take advantage of your kindness and vulnerability when it suits them, then leave you with no explanation and make you feel crazy for seeking closure from a situation. things in the world are so broken. people don't want to have honest conversations anymore, it's easier for them to walk away so they don't have to take accountability. I'm tired of feeling like a monster.

I'm at the beginning of day 3 without eating... your not alone. I'm just not hungry and it's shit to try to force myself to eat...

whenever depression strikes everything feels like a chore. even something as simple as breathing. I'm sorry you're going through this as well.

I know how you feel my friend. Life can be exhausting, and the world is becoming increasingly shittier. I feel your pain and I also get horrid nightmares, but living can be the biggest nightmare. You are not alone mate. We all get where you are coming from, or we wouldn't be here in the first place. Peace

it's sad so many of us feel this way and that the only way to be open about it is with strangers on a website designed to help you take your own life.