Losing strength as CTB day comes closer

[onetapgandhi]

Anyone else also feels getting physically weaker as the day for CTB comes closer? I plan on taking SN somewhere in mid-November after I get a job (thanks some people here who motivated me to do so) and I am getting extreme bodyaches now. Before buying SN, I used to run about 5km daily but now, my knees, thighs, head all hurt going up a flight of stairs. Anyone else feels like their body just giving up as the day comes closer? I even smell like death these days.

 

[1000winds]

i cried so much from march til August. now that my ctb day is approaching i feel numb, not even a forced teardop comes.and at times i feel anxious. SI is still strong but i gots to go. it also takes hours for me to fall asleep at night.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes I know the feeling of giving up… At a certain point there's no point in anything… No point in returning messages or losing weight or planning for the future… Everything is meaningless… And all reminders of normal life are too sad to contemplate… I've never been this fat before in my life and now my clothes don't even fit me… used to run 5 km every morning and work out for an hour straight afterwards and eat healthy… Now the only thing I can do is savor the darkness And pray the sun won't come up … In my dreams I'm back to some kind of normal life I used to have… And then I wake up and realize everything has changed… Feels like a sick day that just goes on forever…

 

[onetapgandhi]

Yes I know the feeling of giving up… At a certain point there's no point in anything… No point in returning messages or losing weight or planning for the future… Everything is meaningless… And all reminders of normal life are too sad to contemplate… I've never been this fat before in my life and now my clothes don't even fit me… used to run 5 km every morning and work out for an hour straight afterwards and eat healthy… Now the only thing I can do is savor the darkness And pray the sun won't come up … In my dreams I'm back to some kind of normal life I used to have… And then I wake up and realize everything has changed… Feels like a sick day that just goes on forever…

It all becomes so hopeless. The body just gives up. What's your plan?

 

[Mofreeko]

Fuck, this is happening to me. Constant headaches and sleeping way too much. Random nausea. Just overall feeling weak.

 

[onetapgandhi]

Fuck, this is happening to me. Constant headaches and sleeping way too much. Random nausea. Just overall feeling weak.

The body does realize when its time. Welp just confirms the affirmations mind had

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

It all becomes so hopeless. The body just gives up. What's your plan?

I don't really think beyond the next 20 minutes or so… My plan is to try to keep sleeping and eat when I get hungry - other than that no plans

 

[Sad_Sack]

I still don't understand how anyone can set an actual date. For me it has to be more spur of the moment. For one you can't guarantee your fortitude on given date and your SI may be way to strong. Second setting a date would be like being on death row marking the days off on the wall. Of course it will wear you down.

I wish I could just set a date though and actually be sure I would follow through. It would make things much easier to prep. My actual attempt I made was very sporadic. I just woke up and immediately was filled with rage and loathing at the realisation of another day of the same torment. I wish so much it had worked but if it had my wife would habe found me dead in my bed. If I had woke up that morning and set a date instead I could have planned better and made sure I was away from the house. I can't even explain why I was able to attempt it a year and a half ago and while things have gotten even worse now that I am having trouble just getting it done. I guess it's just SI and guilt keeping me here. Its like when I get the stomach flu and I can feel the vomit building and doing its thing for so long and I know I can just stick my finger down my throat and get it over with but can't bring myself to do it. I really hate this. I'm just waiting for the next point that I snap and I will need a method thats ready to go and that can be carried out at wooded trail or field near my home so my family won't find me. Its like a 5 minute walk there so hopefully that isn't long enough for me to change my mind when the moment is right. Ill need everything packed and ready to go.