Losing ppl and feeling nothing

[permanently tired]

I used to have many friends in highschool and I was able to make a group in college, but I've been dropping ppl left and right the past year. I like attention and I realize I don't get the kind I want from these ppl. I'm emotionally fucked, at the slightest notion I assume the worse and that any friends I do have hate me. I'm vain, I like to stare in the mirror and admire myself and other times I scrutinize everything wrong with my face. I'm in a constant shift between thinking I love someone and hating them the next if they show a bit of attitude. If I weren't emotionally irrational, I'd know other ppl have feelings too and it's not always smth I did. I prefer just isolating myself so I don't have to feel those extremes. I don't even blink when a friendship officially ends, I don't care. Losing ppl doesn't hurt me like it should, I'm emotionally estranged. I'm not sure why. I prefer to keep to myself now which is peculiar considering how outgoing I used to be though I do tend to find ppl irritating now. It's alright, I'm slowly getting things done. What did keeping those "friends" accomplish outside the casual conversation?

I heard somewhere that the scariest thing is to be alone, but if I'm not connected to ppl what else is there in my life? There's nothing, it's just me, my vanity and some superficial desires so I can alleviate my emptiness. Life is a fucking waste on me.

Edit: I'm not sure if this was for the suicide discussion or recovery. It's in recovery cuz this whole post is just me trying to cope and make sense of myself. Sorry if it's a bit pessimistic