Losing parental rights of my kids

[TheLastGreySky]

So I went to court and the state basically painted this narrative that I was this dangerous sicario and are throwing things at me from before my daughter was born at me.
They scheduled a termination hearing.

I don't know how to really begin where my life started to spiral, but when my daughter was born the old me died. I love all my kids, but my daughter took all my demons out of me and threw them in a blender just by smiling at me.
I remember looking at her and thinking "I honestly don't know how she can look at me with so much love but I want to be whatever she sees." And then I proceeded to have a meltdown because I was probably one of the worst human beings on the face of the planet at that time.

Well I got caught up, and went to prison and my ex wife left me. She then lost my kids to foster care because despite me being crazy, I was a high functioning vessel of chaos and the main caregiver of my children. So without me she didn't have self control. Despite what you might imagine I wasn't someone into drugs and drinking, I was taught from a very young age that stuff will ruin you. But right after I left my ex got with this guy who got her addicted to drugs.

I'm honestly really upset because I also found out she molested my (our) youngest son and I really don't know if I can ever believe she was human after finding that out.

I've been disassociating and spiraling really bad. I don't know if I want to die. But I want to disappear. I want to go off grid and rest on my terms. I've failed my kids, and I do truly believe God chose to act in his own interest instead of mine, I do believe that God chose to do what was best for my kids... But why can't that be me? *Sigh* I'm too numb to feel anymore.
Thanks for reading. I'll probably chose to become transient for a while to really clear my mind.
I feel like I've been exiled out of the only place that matters.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If you die, will your children be adequately cared for? Are there any family members that can care for them instead of foster care?

 

[Ikkuna]

It's so evil how some men leave their kids while others have to fight just to see them

 

[Pure Vanilla]

So I went to court and the state basically painted this narrative that I was this dangerous sicario and are throwing things at me from before my daughter was born at me.
They scheduled a termination hearing.

I don't know how to really begin where my life started to spiral, but when my daughter was born the old me died. I love all my kids, but my daughter took all my demons out of me and threw them in a blender just by smiling at me.
I remember looking at her and thinking "I honestly don't know how she can look at me with so much love but I want to be whatever she sees." And then I proceeded to have a meltdown because I was probably one of the worst human beings on the face of the planet at that time.

Well I got caught up, and went to prison and my ex wife left me. She then lost my kids to foster care because despite me being crazy, I was a high functioning vessel of chaos and the main caregiver of my children. So without me she didn't have self control. Despite what you might imagine I wasn't someone into drugs and drinking, I was taught from a very young age that stuff will ruin you. But right after I left my ex got with this guy who got her addicted to drugs.

I'm honestly really upset because I also found out she molested my (our) youngest son and I really don't know if I can ever believe she was human after finding that out.

I've been disassociating and spiraling really bad. I don't know if I want to die. But I want to disappear. I want to go off grid and rest on my terms. I've failed my kids, and I do truly believe God chose to act in his own interest instead of mine, I do believe that God chose to do what was best for my kids... But why can't that be me? *Sigh* I'm too numb to feel anymore.
Thanks for reading. I'll probably chose to become transient for a while to really clear my mind.
I feel like I've been exiled out of the only place that matters.

She molested your son? is there any way you can get custody back or atleast get him out of that household? if you have proof of the drug addiction and molestation you might be able to stand some chance although im guessing you already looked into that route and saw it wasnt possible

 

[TheLastGreySky]

If you die, will your children be adequately cared for? Are there any family members that can care for them instead of foster care?

Nope. That's why this is so hard on me

She molested your son? is there any way you can get custody back or atleast get him out of that household? if you have proof of the drug addiction and molestation you might be able to stand some chance although im guessing you already looked into that route and saw it wasnt possible

They look at my past and they have painted this narrative that my children are "terrified" of me. I have already requested a therapist outside of their pocket because I know they're full of crap.
But they have rejected it.

The truth is and I don't care anyone who says otherwise... They're in the business of selling children to wealthy families. Wealthy doesn't mean better but try telling that to the people who are destroying your world what their priorities are.

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry about your situation
I wish you and your children the best

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I am so sorry about your situation
I wish you and your children the best

I really appreciate the kind words. I just hope they have better lives without us.