interna
Gone Tomorrow, Here Today
- Dec 1, 2025
- 164
hi.... im sorry... I'm embarrassed about this, so please try to understand that I'm not crazy. I'm just very overwhelmed and sadly my mental illnesses are taking a toll on me. or at least i think so. Insane people don't tend to think they're insane do they....
I want to explain further and say more but I'm out of energy. My mind's a mess. The core problem's this: I know I'm going insane, I don't know how to stop it, likewise I'm suspicious of people trying to stop it and even of myself for reaching out. I am suspicious and afraid of connection, but then again, that depends on *who I am* during interaction. This is all very exhausting and I don't want anything to do with MH professionals because of bad experiences. I'm scared of who I am and embarrassed because of how cringe I sound and act, that's it.
Thanks for reading aaaa ♪~
i don't know what's going on. this past month and through late April I've been extremely delusional, suffering from magical and grandiose thought and believing I'm connected to or have been "infused" with the essence of fictional characters and thus am them in some capacity (I'm not fully convinced they're delusions. I do think I have the powers/reality warping abilities to some extent and I stand by that). As you can see, I retain some of my coherence, otherwise I wouldn't be here writing this. Frankly, I'm a bit wary of doing so, as I don't want any of my perceived newfound abilities to disappear. At the same time, I realize this is batshit crazy: I am an extremely ambivalent person, something that pains me deeply. Still, I can't stop seeing coincidences and patterns everywhere. I swear everything in my world goes back to me, or at least a huge chunk of stuff does. I'm sure that's just ego though. I don't think my influence is global but rather extended to my direct and indirect connections. I know that sounds like I just discovered how relational impact works lol, but I mean it in a more spiritual, "I-am-a-pilar" way.
I'm too disorganized to properly write a long rant... I'll just make it as quick as possible:
- I suffer from psychotic depression which stemmed from my major depressive disorder. It comes and goes. I have hallucinations and delusions whenever I get in too deep an episode. It's been really bad these last few weeks due to stressful things happening.
- I believe I have my "observer" and "analytical" brain parts intact, but they've been starting to get affected by my "delusions", thus my judgement is starting to become impaired. I've been having thoughts of assaulting people or causing public disturbance so as to put an end to my ambivalent nature and have a fate forced upon me whether I like or not. Yes, I feel utterly helpless and do not trust myself to do anything about my future.
- I am an unstable individual and shift through various "fragments" of my identity as I struggle with identity fragmentation quite a lot. I don't have multiple personalities but it feels like it from the sheer change in tone, thoughts and contradictory feelings I experience. Likewise, I barely recognize myself or my posts whenever I look back as recently as 1 week ago. I don't feel I'm that person. I also find it uncomfortable to talk about myself as a person and refer to myself in first person in certain states, and prefer talking about myself in third person and as if I were an animal or object (which I believe again to some extent I am; I do not identify with humanhood fully). :(
- Like I said, I believe everything goes back to me. That things are being orchestrated by a higher being or perhaps life itself and I am a target of them. I pray and manifest so I also am able to shift and mold events to my will and people's feelings to match what I want them to be TO SOME EXTENT. I am NOT a fully powerful being and believe Im quite ordinary. I just have some "witch" powers I guess.
- I am so ambivalent and constantly at war with myself so I want to kill or injure myself in some way so I can stop all of this madness.... :(
- I greatly, greatly resist help as I'm frightened of it. I don't want to get better. :(
- I can still perform normalcy and my friends donnot.suspect much. One of them has told me I seem to be losing my sanity however.
I'm too disorganized to properly write a long rant... I'll just make it as quick as possible:
- I suffer from psychotic depression which stemmed from my major depressive disorder. It comes and goes. I have hallucinations and delusions whenever I get in too deep an episode. It's been really bad these last few weeks due to stressful things happening.
- I believe I have my "observer" and "analytical" brain parts intact, but they've been starting to get affected by my "delusions", thus my judgement is starting to become impaired. I've been having thoughts of assaulting people or causing public disturbance so as to put an end to my ambivalent nature and have a fate forced upon me whether I like or not. Yes, I feel utterly helpless and do not trust myself to do anything about my future.
- I am an unstable individual and shift through various "fragments" of my identity as I struggle with identity fragmentation quite a lot. I don't have multiple personalities but it feels like it from the sheer change in tone, thoughts and contradictory feelings I experience. Likewise, I barely recognize myself or my posts whenever I look back as recently as 1 week ago. I don't feel I'm that person. I also find it uncomfortable to talk about myself as a person and refer to myself in first person in certain states, and prefer talking about myself in third person and as if I were an animal or object (which I believe again to some extent I am; I do not identify with humanhood fully). :(
- Like I said, I believe everything goes back to me. That things are being orchestrated by a higher being or perhaps life itself and I am a target of them. I pray and manifest so I also am able to shift and mold events to my will and people's feelings to match what I want them to be TO SOME EXTENT. I am NOT a fully powerful being and believe Im quite ordinary. I just have some "witch" powers I guess.
- I am so ambivalent and constantly at war with myself so I want to kill or injure myself in some way so I can stop all of this madness.... :(
- I greatly, greatly resist help as I'm frightened of it. I don't want to get better. :(
- I can still perform normalcy and my friends donnot.suspect much. One of them has told me I seem to be losing my sanity however.
I want to explain further and say more but I'm out of energy. My mind's a mess. The core problem's this: I know I'm going insane, I don't know how to stop it, likewise I'm suspicious of people trying to stop it and even of myself for reaching out. I am suspicious and afraid of connection, but then again, that depends on *who I am* during interaction. This is all very exhausting and I don't want anything to do with MH professionals because of bad experiences. I'm scared of who I am and embarrassed because of how cringe I sound and act, that's it.
Thanks for reading aaaa ♪~
