Discussion Looking Back

[peaches]

Hi,
I'm curious if anyone else has these thoughts.
If I look back on my entire life, and I was given the choice to live all of it, or to have never been alive, I would choose to never have been alive.
This thought occurred to me the first time at age 17, then at 25, then at 30, and then often for the rest of my life.
I keep wanting to leave this life because it seems crazy to me to constantly wish I had never been here and then stick around.
It's not a question of circumstances. I've had some decent circumstances and I have had very unfortunate circumstances. But more than that, there is something about the way I am wired plus my upbringing that has led me to never feel that I belong here. It's as though I'm some cosmic error and I have always felt extremely different and alone with a level of unsurvivable despair.
I am an incredible actor. If someone looked at the surface of my life and my current circumstances, they would think I'm extremely fortunate. But they have no idea what it's like to be me. And I know, they would never trade what appears so fortunate to have to wake up one day and feel what it's like to be me.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I agree. I'm grateful for the handful of positive experiences and am glad I have had them, but none of them were worth being forced here.

 

[freedompass]

Life was, is, a net negative to me. I'm prepared to believe there are people out there who are genuinely and deeply happy and grateful to have been born and had this amazing opportunity to be ALIVE. What a privilege huh? Each to their own just don't try to tell me I should feel the same, that's all I ask! If I can tolerate your happiness the least you can do is tolerate my misery and not keep trying to fix me, I'm irreparable. It wouldn't surprise me if I was born broken. Maybe ma was depressed or abused by dad while I was in the womb. Apparently my brother was keen to breastfeed but I wasn't haha (sorry for the tmi), seriously I was quite a grave child. Sorry for the stream of consciousness but yes. My current life is comfy and pleasant and I am grateful for that but not in the sense of 'so glad I'm here' lol or even 'yay I survived' simply coz I've escaped something far worse. Fuck this life!

 

[TydalWave]

I agree completely. If life is but chaos, then for all the pleasure there must be those subject to pain. Sometimes I think we just got the raw end of the stick.

All we can do is give ourselves a fair chance. But at some point, after you have tried, and tried to make things better--when you can look back on your life and recognize it has been only encompassed by suffering you are well within your right to want to end it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Definitely feel the same. Feel as if I shouldn't be here and there's next to no part of me that wants to be.

 

[peaches]

Thank you for responding.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I've always felt as though I'm not meant for this world and I've never wanted to be here and could never do. I despise life and I believe that non existence is preferable to any kind of life. There is no benefit to being here, only disadvantages and ways in which to suffer more. I'm tired of being trapped in this pointless existence where everything just makes me feel worse. The thought of ageing is horrifying to me. I wish that I never existed so I wouldn't have to think about ways to leave this world, in a world which makes leaving as difficult as possible.