Venting Looking back on life

[yellowbunny]

Hi it's my first post I'm scared to but I'm just going to do it :"> it might be a bit of a mess

I'm 23F, looking back on my life which began in a small town and all the mistakes that I've made. When I was a kid I messed up a lot and I got scars on my face from a common illness which makes me look ugly af. Because of this and my quiet nature (also suspected autism, weird interests and definite social awkwardness) I was bullied throughout my whole life, suffering with anxiety and depression.

I remember even though I was treated like shit by the people around me I still wanted to be kind to everyone. Cut to a few years later I've ended up being horrible to my loved ones and colleagues, mirroring that awful behaviour that was around me. I feel ashamed at myself and it's still a shock to me that I have a partner and a family by my side, even after the fucked up things I did. I have apologised for my behaviours, especially recently and I hope they truly forgive me.

I have never been one for life and I knew that at a young age anyway. I never really wanted to do anything, never had a career path. Used to be good enough at art but completely lost that skill after high school. I've never been smart at all, I struggle with all academic subjects, failed most things or got low grades.

I've been terrible in every single job that I had. I remember my first cash in hand job when I was 16, cut to me being 23 in my healthcare job and nothing has changed at all. I've never developed any skills and genuinely know that I can't develop them, believe me I've tried. I know life is not all about work but every damn day I've worked it drained me to the point where I would just go to sleep, wake up and repeat.

I've never been able to keep friendships for very long but managed to-re connect with a childhood friend 3 years ago. She is my best friend (and only friend atm including her partner) and I know I'm going to lose her too due to my stupid lies and mistakes. It's like I have an addiction to lying, especially to myself because it's all I've ever known. Lying to cover up my own failures.

I've always been messy af too, struggle to keep up hygiene and am genuinely exhausted every single day. Trying to keep it vague but I have self sabotaged everything around me and talked shit about people because I feel like I've never deserved anything. Being in a small town word spreads.. that's why I'm avoiding shops and going outside for as long as I can.

I have a spending addiction and am addicted to collecting things such as figures, merchandise, clothes etc. I ended up growing up on the internet, got groomed when I was 14 and ended up doing some really stupid things

Moved out of my parents house a couple of years ago and am actually temporarily staying with them at the moment. I wasted all my money online, and experiencing concerts, holidays etc because I really wanted to get everything done that I wanted to in life. I'm in a shit situation now because of this too and feel ashamed, but honestly I have done everything I wanted to and have no reason to stick around anymore, I'm tired.

I tried to get my driving license too when I was 18 because the public transport is crap up here (rural town in the middle of nowhere ) but I panic easily when I'm in a car and don't know wtf I'm doing, also it's really hard for me to learn anything new due to brain fog and constant exhaustion.

I'm really stupid but I'm looking into buying SN online, I'm reading through all the hints and stuff - hopefully I'll get somewhere soon (I'm really not the brightest so it takes me longer to understand hints but I'll continue the research). I'm off sick at work right now and I'm hoping I manage to find the website and place an order before my doctors line expires, so I can die peacefully without having to go back there.

I wish I found this forum earlier, it seems like such a lovely community and I'm excited to start interacting with it now <3. The reason I'm finally putting a proper plan in place for my suicide is because I'm sick of living for each day. My motto to myself was take each day as it comes, and that ended up with years of my failures. I'm done

 

[anniee]

Hi it's my first post I'm scared to but I'm just going to do it :"> it might be a bit of a mess

I'm 23F, looking back on my life which began in a small town and all the mistakes that I've made. When I was a kid I messed up a lot and I got scars on my face from a common illness which makes me look ugly af. Because of this and my quiet nature (also suspected autism, weird interests and definite social awkwardness) I was bullied throughout my whole life, suffering with anxiety and depression.

I remember even though I was treated like shit by the people around me I still wanted to be kind to everyone. Cut to a few years later I've ended up being horrible to my loved ones and colleagues, mirroring that awful behaviour that was around me. I feel ashamed at myself and it's still a shock to me that I have a partner and a family by my side, even after the fucked up things I did. I have apologised for my behaviours, especially recently and I hope they truly forgive me.

I have never been one for life and I knew that at a young age anyway. I never really wanted to do anything, never had a career path. Used to be good enough at art but completely lost that skill after high school. I've never been smart at all, I struggle with all academic subjects, failed most things or got low grades.

I've been terrible in every single job that I had. I remember my first cash in hand job when I was 16, cut to me being 23 in my healthcare job and nothing has changed at all. I've never developed any skills and genuinely know that I can't develop them, believe me I've tried. I know life is not all about work but every damn day I've worked it drained me to the point where I would just go to sleep, wake up and repeat.

I've never been able to keep friendships for very long but managed to-re connect with a childhood friend 3 years ago. She is my best friend (and only friend atm including her partner) and I know I'm going to lose her too due to my stupid lies and mistakes. It's like I have an addiction to lying, especially to myself because it's all I've ever known. Lying to cover up my own failures.

I've always been messy af too, struggle to keep up hygiene and am genuinely exhausted every single day. Trying to keep it vague but I have self sabotaged everything around me and talked shit about people because I feel like I've never deserved anything. Being in a small town word spreads.. that's why I'm avoiding shops and going outside for as long as I can.

I have a spending addiction and am addicted to collecting things such as figures, merchandise, clothes etc. I ended up growing up on the internet, got groomed when I was 14 and ended up doing some really stupid things

Moved out of my parents house a couple of years ago and am actually temporarily staying with them at the moment. I wasted all my money online, and experiencing concerts, holidays etc because I really wanted to get everything done that I wanted to in life. I'm in a shit situation now because of this too and feel ashamed, but honestly I have done everything I wanted to and have no reason to stick around anymore, I'm tired.

I tried to get my driving license too when I was 18 because the public transport is crap up here (rural town in the middle of nowhere ) but I panic easily when I'm in a car and don't know wtf I'm doing, also it's really hard for me to learn anything new due to brain fog and constant exhaustion.

I'm really stupid but I'm looking into buying SN online, I'm reading through all the hints and stuff - hopefully I'll get somewhere soon (I'm really not the brightest so it takes me longer to understand hints but I'll continue the research). I'm off sick at work right now and I'm hoping I manage to find the website and place an order before my doctors line expires, so I can die peacefully without having to go back there.

I wish I found this forum earlier, it seems like such a lovely community and I'm excited to start interacting with it now <3. The reason I'm finally putting a proper plan in place for my suicide is because I'm sick of living for each day. My motto to myself was take each day as it comes, and that ended up with years of my failures. I'm done

Hello everyone, I'm new here. Sorry to jump on your post, but where can I buy sulfate nitrite?
Hello everyone, I'm new here. Sorry to jump on your post, but where can I buy sulfate nitrite?

 

[Abyss Dweller]

I got scars on my face from a common illness which makes me look ugly af.

Nah that makes you look like a shieldmaiden. Cool as fuck.

Look you are still fairly young and for a lot of people it takes time to find what interest them the most. Were there any subjects that you enjoyed? That could give hints on what directions you should search.
Regarding you art skills: maybe you just got rusty, maybe you need a tutor or some online training. Point is if you enjoy it I think you definitely should give it another shot at least as a hobby.

My dad has a saying that we hurt the most the ones we love. It's sometimes inevitable because they are the ones that are around. But you are self aware enough to know when you hurt others. My point is you have loved ones, and that's more than enough reason to stick around. So forget SN and shieldmaiden on :)