Venting Looking at your join date

[ikadasui]

I've been on here nearing 5 years now and all I have to show for my continued dreaded time is pain and more misfortune. It makes me feel pathetic seeing how long I've stuck around and accomplished nothing of any worth and only burdened good people... that clock just keeps ticking and each day I'm just living the same one on repeat with different flavors of hell mixed in. Seriously, I need to be gone

 

[peacetime]

As a long time member you know the methods but cling to life, probably time for you to figure out why

 

[MidnightDream]

As a long time member you know the methods but cling to life, probably time for you to figure out why

If only it were that easy, there'd be no members left

 

[lionetta12]

I've been on here nearing 5 years now and all I have to show for my continued dreaded time is pain and more misfortune. It makes me feel pathetic seeing how long I've stuck around and accomplished nothing of any worth and only burdened good people... that clock just keeps ticking and each day I'm just living the same one on repeat with different flavors of hell mixed in. Seriously, I need to be gone

I spent the past few days trying to sort things out before I CTB, but an hour ago I started thinking about why? Why do I feel like I need to sort anything out? Nobody really cares and I feel useless. I don't know why I'm trying to sort things out for other people when they do not care about me and I've wasted all these years being suicidal and fixing things for others the entire time. I'm realising a lot of new stuff these past couple of days and it just makes me more suicidal and I feel hopeless and disapointed in myself for having done so many stupid choices and for taking care of people. I'm realising that I cannot save everyone.

 

[onceuponadec]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but maybe there is a reason you are still here. I'm just waiting on my grandparents to go before me, one of them might be this year, but the other one might live 5 to 10 years.

I still might go before the second one if I can't handle it anymore, but there's nothing wrong with sticking around if you don't feel ready to cross over

 

[Pluto]

This feeling is understandable. A lot of things can work against us. There is no way to test drive CTB and there is no mid-way point between life and death. The results of attempting CTB are intimidating and unpredictable at many levels, and we lack any meaningful support in the process.

Being suicidal long-term can lead to neglecting self-care because, "What's the use, anyway?" which can worsen our life situations and leave us in a nightmarish no-man's-land of neither living life nor being peacefully dead. Yet it is incredibly easy to delay plans for CTB by another day, year or multiple years due to hope for a revolution or just struggling to make a final decision on an inherently uncertain yet absolute matter.

 

[jodes2]

There's nothing wrong with sticking around some more

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sorry understand time this move crul, see time move move no chancge this hurt, but tell you truth year only number many ppl lurk no year write many Regis later some reddit before formu this all possible, tiring see number make old feel understand ,any hope peace near this time cruel life concept

 

[damaged_soul]

I've been on here nearing 5 years now and all I have to show for my continued dreaded time is pain and more misfortune. It makes me feel pathetic seeing how long I've stuck around and accomplished nothing of any worth and only burdened good people... that clock just keeps ticking and each day I'm just living the same one on repeat with different flavors of hell mixed in. Seriously, I need to be gone

Literally same. I haven't been here nearly as long as you but I have been suicidal since I was 9 and am still alive, much to my chagrin. I'm a pathetic coward who just can't bring myself to ctb. It's just too scary, stressful, and intimidating for me. I too have accomplished nothing of any worth and only burdened people. It never gets better for me, the types of pain and struggles just change. I really need to be gone but I can't bring myself to do it yet.

This feeling is understandable. A lot of things can work against us. There is no way to test drive CTB and there is no mid-way point between life and death. The results of attempting CTB are intimidating and unpredictable at many levels, and we lack any meaningful support in the process.

Being suicidal long-term can lead to neglecting self-care because, "What's the use, anyway?" which can worsen our life situations and leave us in a nightmarish no-man's-land of neither living life nor being peacefully dead. Yet it is incredibly easy to delay plans for CTB by another day, year or multiple years due to hope for a revolution or just struggling to make a final decision on an inherently uncertain yet absolute matter.

You make some really great points. We can't test-drive CTB and there is no pro-choice support for suicidal people, e.g. there are no pro-choice therapists who can help someone overcome their fear of CTB and one can't just ask friends and family for help with carrying out CTB.

The self-care point is so true too. I keep telling myself that I'm going to be dead soon so there's no point in doing anything. I neglected to get medical help for my ovarian cancer symptoms for so long because I kept hoping that I had a malignant tumor that would kill me. Unfortunately, the tumor is not malignant despite the terrible symptoms it has been giving me so I have literally experienced all these negative health effects for nothing, which has only worsened my life situation. I am stuck in a nightmarish no-man's-land as you described.

 

[LastFlowers]

This feeling is understandable. A lot of things can work against us. There is no way to test drive CTB and there is no mid-way point between life and death. The results of attempting CTB are intimidating and unpredictable at many levels, and we lack any meaningful support in the process.

Being suicidal long-term can lead to neglecting self-care because, "What's the use, anyway?" which can worsen our life situations and leave us in a nightmarish no-man's-land of neither living life nor being peacefully dead. Yet it is incredibly easy to delay plans for CTB by another day, year or multiple years due to hope for a revolution or just struggling to make a final decision on an inherently uncertain yet absolute matter.

Very true, although in my case the delay is also in large part due to being reliant on other individuals in order to complete certain preparations before acting out my final plan.
I'm being held hostage by other people's procrastination (thus feeding into my own) and unwillingness to work with me on things that need to be taken care of before I go.
I'm starting to think I may have to just say "fuck it" and just give up on the last things I fought so hard for, and for so long, to have in place.
I just can't do this any longer. I'm so tired.

That's the other thing..it takes a lot of energy to kill yourself.
As you so aptly considered the loss of self-care, if we can't even commit to basic hygiene routines and maintenance of other personal necessities, then the act of dying becomes quite a daunting feat in comparison.

I still so desire the option of some big red button that will end my life in an instance while also tying off loose ends.
Would have reached over and pressed it a thousand times by now.

 

[Mlee75]

I've been on here nearing 5 years now and all I have to show for my continued dreaded time is pain and more misfortune. It makes me feel pathetic seeing how long I've stuck around and accomplished nothing of any worth and only burdened good people... that clock just keeps ticking and each day I'm just living the same one on repeat with different flavors of hell mixed in. Seriously, I need to be gone

I started researching the Hemlock Society. I can't remember what it's called now, but I was creeping related chat boards 20 years ago. Why the pressure? You need to be comfortable with whatever decision you make and if the decision is to CTB then you need to be comfortable with the method. In my case, I knew one day that it would be my time and I wanted all the information I could get. Maybe that is the case for you?

 

[FuneralCry]

I absolutely despise the fact that I'm still here and how I've managed to exist for this long, your frustrations of still being trapped in this cruel, horrific world are completely understandable. Even one second spent here is one second too long for me and I really should had left as soon as I possibly could. I think that those with a reliable poison method by their side, especially N are so fortunate as they can just choose to free themselves when they wish to. I so envy those who have already left this world and I hate the fact that so many of us have to suffer so much in finding ways to finally die.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

Looking at my joining date makes me sad. I lurked for a while before that.. I'm still here and I don't know how to feel about that - disappointed? I feel alone knowing that there are lots of members that have recovered during that time and left the site (although I'm happy for them)
I'm so done with life

 

[thereisthemist]

"heyy mist is new, kinda, wanna huggie?"

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

My join date is also quite a while ago, and I usually end up here at this time of year.

For me, my suicidal thoughts/actions are part of my bipolar disorder, so coming here helps to relieve some of the pressure since I can talk about it without fear.

Maybe it's working that way for you, too?