so after my attempt on december, i met new friends especially one friend. i think im eternally fucked up forever because at the start i was so happy, although there was still an underlying sadness to that.
but recently my mood has been switching. i go from either loving people, being numb or hating everyone. i go from neutral to incredibly self hating to the point where my brain convinces me to leave everyone and not just that, these switches of mine have been ruining my friendships—even before, just not this instance—because i turn to a terrible person.
it's so fucked up how i get completely obsessed with somebody only for then to just switch up about them and just "hate" them and want them gone and how that thing affects everything.
this friend wants me to open up, to be clear and i truly am lucky. i never had a friend like this before. he's so special to me. but i can't. i can't do it. i keep hurting him and at this point im convinced he and my other friends would be better off without me. i am a ticking time bomb, a grenade without a pin. i feel like im going to explode at any moment.
i can't seem to stop myself from being a horrible person. it's like "i" get dragged into the back of my mind while i see myself say terrible things that hurts people.
i researched about bpd and i feel like i match the criteria. this friend isn't the first one i've been like this with—in fact, others from my past had it much worse. i was obsessed with this one girl and wanted to be beside her to the point where i became envious of everybody she was with. i never showed that to her, i internalized it. everything's alright when she was with me and everytime she isn't i go insane. eventually i left her and i still really miss her.
even if i dont have bpd and i may have something else (i can't get diagnosed so i dont know for sure) i feel like im cursed but at the same time i know i chose to be a terrible person and that saying that "i can't help it" isn't exactly true.
i should just leave everyone before they end up being more hurt. i know full well i can't be better for them. they'll only be hurt once i ctb.
p.s that friend i mentioned at first is aware of this website (but not fully, i dont think he even knows the name or how to get here, he just knows it exists), in fact, he doesn't agree at all and he's quite the person who thinks ctb isn't the answer and he even wants me to be better but it's like... he can't understand me because he came from a well off life where he got the degree he wanted or this and that and he's able to do a lot of things. he's not a bad person per se, he's a dear friend to me and if i was normal, i bet we could've been really great friends. also why i wanna leave him alone because he'll be heartbroken. he tries so hard to help me and i take him for granted even though there's no hope for me. he'll only be heartbroken when i ctb in the future. i don't want him to blame himself.
i should probably leave him and everybody else. they don't agree with my thoughts of doing ctb anyway and i keep pretending like im okay for them but i dont blame them for that.
i experienced brief happiness for once in a very long time and i should leave before that gets ruined.
but recently my mood has been switching. i go from either loving people, being numb or hating everyone. i go from neutral to incredibly self hating to the point where my brain convinces me to leave everyone and not just that, these switches of mine have been ruining my friendships—even before, just not this instance—because i turn to a terrible person.
it's so fucked up how i get completely obsessed with somebody only for then to just switch up about them and just "hate" them and want them gone and how that thing affects everything.
this friend wants me to open up, to be clear and i truly am lucky. i never had a friend like this before. he's so special to me. but i can't. i can't do it. i keep hurting him and at this point im convinced he and my other friends would be better off without me. i am a ticking time bomb, a grenade without a pin. i feel like im going to explode at any moment.
i can't seem to stop myself from being a horrible person. it's like "i" get dragged into the back of my mind while i see myself say terrible things that hurts people.
i researched about bpd and i feel like i match the criteria. this friend isn't the first one i've been like this with—in fact, others from my past had it much worse. i was obsessed with this one girl and wanted to be beside her to the point where i became envious of everybody she was with. i never showed that to her, i internalized it. everything's alright when she was with me and everytime she isn't i go insane. eventually i left her and i still really miss her.
even if i dont have bpd and i may have something else (i can't get diagnosed so i dont know for sure) i feel like im cursed but at the same time i know i chose to be a terrible person and that saying that "i can't help it" isn't exactly true.
i should just leave everyone before they end up being more hurt. i know full well i can't be better for them. they'll only be hurt once i ctb.
p.s that friend i mentioned at first is aware of this website (but not fully, i dont think he even knows the name or how to get here, he just knows it exists), in fact, he doesn't agree at all and he's quite the person who thinks ctb isn't the answer and he even wants me to be better but it's like... he can't understand me because he came from a well off life where he got the degree he wanted or this and that and he's able to do a lot of things. he's not a bad person per se, he's a dear friend to me and if i was normal, i bet we could've been really great friends. also why i wanna leave him alone because he'll be heartbroken. he tries so hard to help me and i take him for granted even though there's no hope for me. he'll only be heartbroken when i ctb in the future. i don't want him to blame himself.
i should probably leave him and everybody else. they don't agree with my thoughts of doing ctb anyway and i keep pretending like im okay for them but i dont blame them for that.
i experienced brief happiness for once in a very long time and i should leave before that gets ruined.
