This was inspired by @WillOxyWork 's post. (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ave-a-right-to-be-suicidal.42474/#post-774934) I wanted to post this so people on here can get to know me better. I have interacted with many people on here, but I have been cold and distant (mainly because online relationships are not the same, which makes it hard for me to be as invested), and not very intimate, which I think has pushed people away. I hope this can make someone feel more comfortable interacting with me.
I've been generally socially isolated (lack of consistent communication/barely-no friends) for well over a decade, and deal with various mental health issues because of it. The reason why this occurred was because of things that were out of my control that transpired at the age of 12. I was taken out of school for 3 years due to family abuse and negligent parents. 3 years later, going back into school, I couldn't adapt socially and academically - resulting in severe social anxiety and depression; progressively deteriorating mental health ever since the age of 15. Ever since graduation I've coped with it by generally shutting off society and daydreaming. I tried to pull myself out of it, but my mental health and disabilities made it nearly impossible for me to find stability. I am now 26, far behind my peers in many respects, and will spend the rest of my youth catching up. That typically doesn't go well, for various reasons. And that uncertainty and loss isn't worth it at all, it is suicide-inducing, in fact. Here is how my downward spiral transpired:
My story - timeline:
Age 2: Start showing signs of Asperger's/early onset. I learned how to read on my own at a very young age, and based on my findings, it's likely that this was due toHyperlexia/a splinter skill, which is usually tied to ASD's (If you don't know what that is) My mother doesn't know what's going on with me, as I experience meltdowns, the like.
Age 5: Diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD by a reputable psychiatrist, one who was well-versed in autism for over 40 years.
Age 5-9, Public elementary school: School felt like prison to me. Anxious to an extent. I was REALLY hyper in Kindergarten due to my anxiety, teasing others, yelling at teachers, etc. Eventually I calmed down significantly and in the first grade I became the passive, socially introverted/isolated quiet kid, a character which lasted throughout my school years with a few variations in between.
Age 8- My psychiatrist, Dr. Ruttenberg, retires and refers me to another psychiatrist nearby (we'll call him Dante). This new psychiatrist ends up being an important part of this story. My father started seeing him after a panic attack over work. He was put on the same drug and dosage I was prescribed (30mg Adderall XR) and he ended up abusing this substance. However, Dante kept prescribing him this drug.
Age 9 1/2: After having minor anxiety issues in public school for four years, fourth grade is the last straw, due to major anxiety symptoms over a situation involving my teacher humiliating me in front of students (some mornings, I literally shit my pants before walking to school, at the thought of facing her). I end up being sent to a PreK-12 specialized private school (for students having trouble integrating in public schools due to certain cognitive/neurological and behavioral issues, such as ADHD, ODD, Asperger's/High functioning autism, low functioning autism, bipolar disorder, etc.). My experience here, in the lower school, was far more comfortable than public school, even felt therapeutic in a way, the difference in structure. I actually made some friends and opened up socially in a way I never did in public school, though I was still quiet and reserved. I started becoming more intimate with personal interests; at this time, severe weather was the thing that enthralled me more than anything before. All I did was watch The Weather Channel and observe storms of all kinds in my backyard.
During this time, my parents started arguing far more than they did before. I noticed this because it was an unusual type of communication from my parents. Fortunately it was only significant debate being resolved in one to two days, but these scuffles would occur every two to three weeks on average, and become more frequent as the months went on.
Age 12: Over the next two years, the arguments with my parents and emotional state in my father increase and decrease respectively. My father starts beating my mother, he ends up losing jobs, he starts sleeping for two to three days every one to two weeks on average - behavior that is VERY unusual. Because of the lack of grasp on his jobs, and since we were renting houses, he couldn't pay rent. We were technically homeless. Luckily, my grandmother (who was present throughout my childhood thus far, so it wasn't THAT abnormal) helped us out and let us move into her place.
However, it was only for two weeks - we were kicked out after this brief period.
Then we were homeless for real. We tried to contact my mother's older sister, and she called the police on us. We were desperately trying to find a place to stay, and when we asked Dante, he actually agreed to let us stay; something that he wasn't allowed to even do. He actually had another patient staying over at his house, at this same time.
This is where things start to get really bleak and the socially isolated downward spiral begins. Since my parents can't consistently provide for me, my sister and I stop going to school. This started happening in November 2006.
Christmas 2006: Amazingly, (my father probably panhandled or asked Dante for money - he would do that a lot) I received my first laptop, with internet access to boot. Since I had literally nothing to do all day, I spent all my time on the computer.
I spent every day on my computer, looking up meaningless things; watching YouTube videos. For some reason, interests I had that I would obsess over as a child, like weather, started waning. I just watched YouTube all day, just meaningless fluff. As I got more used to the internet I started finding other message boards, which I would start browsing, sometimes religiously. But most importantly: I started daydreaming far more than before. I had no choice but to shut off the world as a coping mechanism, which was hazardous for my natural inclination towards life - ambitious, adventurous. I started developing high standards for my adulthood, but was becoming developmentally stunted and began to dig a hole for myself.
Dante still keeps giving (not prescribing) my father Adderall XR - but only every once in a while, giving him breathing room for destructive withdrawals. My dad was probably to blame for this too, though, he was an ex-salesman - he had above-average social skills, and probably took advantage of Dante's vulnerability. Dante was essentially an enabler, nearly playing the role of a drug dealer.
Age 15, December 2009: 3 years later, I ended up going back to school. Same school - started my freshman year of high school. See my old friends from lower school there, reconnect - but something is off. All of a sudden I cannot relate to my peers. I cannot hold conversations because I do not have life experiences appropriate to my age due to my chronic isolation. I also had experiences early on where friends of my old friends, extroverted assholes, made fun of me, and I actually thought that whatever they said had merit because they were associated with my friends. From this point (and this was literally just a month into high school) I completely withdrew into myself, never spoke in class, especially when the assholes were around. I used the same daydreaming coping mechanisms that I used to escape the family abuse. I fixate on these feelings and cannot concentrate, and I'm overwhelmed by how much I have to catch up on my grades that I missed, how the work seems much more advanced, even to the point of seeming foreign (more on this later) This continued throughout the year, then during sophomore year onwards, I adapted a little more to the situation, but still dealt with the same issues; went further down the spiral, and filtered everything into my heavily distorted, blurred reality. I was still adamant about my future though, because I wanted to be successful in life, and accomplish goals that helped me remain optimistic about my future and helped me get through the abuse - so there were ups and downs. I tried to integrate myself every now and then, but almost always failed miserably. What's amazing is nobody noticed; and the ones that did know about my situation with family abuse didn't bother caring. Nearly every single staff member assumed I was slower than the average high functioning autistic, so they lowered their expectations and talked down to me, and the like, and for a while I strongly considered they were right, which destroyed my self-esteem. I had no one in my life that was able to do proper damage control; I was alienating my old friends away and unable to make new ones, I didn't talk to my family, there was literally no one there to help me. When I had free time, I did the same thing I did during the abuse - I roamed the internet nearly all day, and spent all day inside my head (even at school).
Age 16, early 2011: During sophomore year, my parents finally separated, my mother, sister and I moved out of Dante's house, mother was able to make amends with her family (amazingly), they helped us out/made up for their wrongs (mainly my grandmother and my aunt/mother's oldest sister) finally found a cheap house, my father never recovered from his drug addiction after a failed rehab stint, and I haven't seen him since February 2011 (age 16 1/2) - if I had to venture a guess, he's probably dead.
Age 17, September 2011: Junior year: start routine of half day public technical school (my idea: I wasn't kidding about being adamant about my future) half day private school. Just like in my other school, I collapse in technical school as well. Culinary arts is a disaster for me; my reading comprehension issues extend into problems with executive function, due to my inability to get out of the daydreaming coping mechanisms. I'm essentially as clumsy as Dr. Steve Brule (without the obvious extreme speech/social issues) and manage to alienate my entire class, even to the point of getting picked on. I continue the daydreaming, still have no one in my life. What's somewhat peculiar is around this time I finally start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Therapy doesn't help me, as I constantly perseverate and lack the self-awareness to understand what is really going on. Prescription drugs don't help, either, though Adderall (which helped me quite a bit as a child) did help for a brief period of time, I can't remember why I stopped taking it.
Age 18, July 2012: After doing some research on Asperger's, I wonder if I have it. I ask my mother about it, and she informs me that I was diagnosed with it at age 4 1/2. This throws me into shell shock, but I calm down later on, even though I still worry about it from time to time and wonder if this is why I am failing, rather than having my education disrupted.
September 2012: Senior year, switch from Culinary to IT/Computer Networking. Technical school is far more comfortable this year, even manage to get along with some classmates, but my ADHD/SCT symptoms make it incredibly hard to grasp the concepts of IT and computers, and more importantly, retain information. This year was by far the easiest out of the four, but it was still pretty hellish, and the daydreaming continued. Still isolated; roam the computer all day and daydream. I manage to find an interest in MBTI/Jungian Typology, but I'm really slow to comprehend it due to my myriad issues.
Age 18-26, June 2013-present: I graduate high school with poor grades, completely uneducated because of the precedent that was set during freshman year; how I fixated and perseverated on why I just couldn't fit in, just withdrew into myself, didn't focus in class at all, just exclusively fixated on my self-consciousness, disassociated from everything very much like with the family abuse. Really, I graduated uneducated, and nothing was really done about it. I struggle to find a job, become suicidal for the first time in my life in September 2013 over the idea of having Asperger's, because of the low-quality prognosis that is common and how that would threaten the future I was striving for. I briefly wanted to get second opinions from experienced psychologists in an attempt to audit that diagnosis, but that plan fell through due to issues with my mother. I end up becoming a shut-in, mainly in my mind, as I'm daydreaming constantly, which helps me go outside for walks every now and then. I end up spending essentially all of my time on my computer playing video games or browsing forums to distract myself from my ugly reality. I lose contact with everyone, except my family, who I live with to this day.
ADHD-esque learning difficulties:
This is probably the biggest problem I'm facing right now. If it wasn't for this, I would have made far more progress at this point. This is seriously wasting my life. Not only do I have an official diagnosis of ADHD-PI, but major depression and significant social anxiety have strongly influenced and enhanced these effects. Symptoms include: when reading new information/articles, I can't read in a straight line for, on average, more than 4-5 seconds; I feel like jumping out of my skin. I can't concentrate, struggle to grasp new concepts and information (even things like basic political concepts), and have a far harder time retaining them. Major issues with memory recall, processing speed and also pattern recognition. Scatter-minded, thoughts and feelings floating about everywhere. Whenever I'm involved in a new hands-on task, no matter what it is, I cannot comprehend it for the life of me, and it takes me a while to warm up to it, so to speak. Bad executive function generally speaking.
Social anxiety
I don't have to go into much detail here. I'm extremely self-conscious. Terrified and intimidated of certain people. These problems combine with my (hopefully temporary) learning difficulties.
Depression and hopelessness:
I feel horrible every day, and have little to no motivation. I feel like my life is not worth living. I feel like the best version of myself is not good enough for the things that I want, that I'm not capable of the work required. I don't care about anything.
My diagnoses:
Professional:
4 years ago I had a mental breakdown. I had been in therapy for years at that point and it wasn't working out, it was really difficult. I've been generally agoraphobic since high school for various reasons (more on that later) and have tried various medications for things like (acute) anxiety, depression, and severe ADHD (I learned about something called "sluggish cognitive tempo", which I have all of the symptoms of. It makes life extremely difficult, focusing and sustaining attention on things.) which didn't help. I learned about psychedelic drugs and how they can be used as an alternative treatment for mental health.
During this mental breakdown, I decided to take a different approach to life. I posted about my life on Reddit and other forums, expressed how I felt at that point in my life psychedelics, particularly high doses, were a good option, and asked for a trip sitter. I found someone on Bluelight, who identified with my experiences, said LSD was the thing that "saved" his life and didn't know if he'd be alive without it. He offered to trip sit me, but he lived way out in the west coast, so we established a plan for trip sitting and psychedelic psychotherapy once I was able to save up. The plan kept getting pushed back because I had an extremely difficult time finding employment because of my anxiety and focusing issues, and I couldn't get on social security disability. Eventually I realized it wouldn't work out between us 2 years ago (late 2018), and I tried finding someone else; readjusting my plan for it to fit my situation, which made it more unrealistic.
I eventually found a meditation teacher last summer, who attributed psychedelics to his personal success and growth, who offered to help me once he found a new place with an in-law that would allow the space needed for the type of project I was proposing. It kept getting pushed back, and I learned this week that his life was too complicated for him to help me.
I've realized that my psychedelic psychotherapy project is rather unrealistic, and have given up on it. But that was the only thing keeping me going for the past 4 years. I just turned 26 and I've wasted so much time. I've dealt with family abuse; I was taken out of school for 3 years due to "homelessness", which screwed me up academically and socially, and it's had serious implications on my life. I have treatment resistant adhd which makes it extremely hard to focus on various things I'm interested in (my lack of education further accelerates that difficulty). I'm autistic, and the horror that can bring kind of speaks for itself. I'm incredibly fucked up. I probably have no choice but to lower my expectations in life. I may never have the type of career I'm looking for, something flexible that allows me to be creative. I probably will never have the type of relationship I'm looking for, and likely have no choice but to take a huge risk on someone, who I believe would deserve love that isn't half-ass, which I fear is the best I have to offer them. I just can't handle the state of my life, and it has led me to suicide.
I wasted years of my life that I will never get back. It is really critical to have education and relationships, even if they don't work out, by your mid-20s, as it becomes harder to meet people and find good work past a certain age, if you have little to no experience with the world in any capacity. This means you have fewer opportunities, those opportunities may not be of great quality, and there is much more uncertainty surrounding the state of your life and your prospects.
The kicker is that I developed fibromyalgia from a traumatic injury/accident 2 years ago. Because I don't have health care, I can't treat it in an ideal way, which means I have to rely on cheap pain killers like Advil. Even with occasional back pain, I think I could live with it if I was fulfilled in life, if I was able to achieve my best self and expectations, with a great career, motivation and intelligence to pursue hobbies and creative projects, topped off with a fulfilling relationship with someone I truly love. But knowing my life will be quite removed from what I want it to be, that spawns an emotion that honestly feels worse than the physical pain I feel. Nothing is worse than a black hole of missed experiences and opportunities. The past 2 years have been emotionally draining, but weeks before my 26th birthday, I started feeling massive pangs of envy, regret, disappointment and despair that haven't let up since. I have had trouble eating, and feel an impending sense of doom, like I'm ready to lose my mind again. I am now 100% certain that suicide is the next step for me. Nothing besides my inability to raise money will get in my way, which unfortunately, is a real possibility.
Earlier this year, I thought to myself that I should have pushed myself more at a younger age. I've had pretty much nothing to lose for so long, why shouldn't I have put myself out there more? Before Covid hit, I tried looking for part time jobs. Data Entry, to be specific. I made a complete fool out of myself. My anxiety got the best of me. I couldn't complete sentences, I didn't understand some things people were asking me. The interviewer actually laughed at me. I left them my number and never got a call back. 2 weeks ago, I tried looking for jobs at fast food restaurants like McDonalds, and had similar results (minus people laughing at me). It turns out, my anxiety was right, I actually wasn't good enough for even a simple part time job. I'm not even good enough for McDonalds. How the fuck could I be successful in life if I can't even get hired for a simple part time gig somewhere? This made me realize that, for the most part, I feel like I've done everything right. I've been trying to preserve my sanity, because exposing how much of a failure I am to myself makes me lose it, little by little, it confirms my worst fears. That's how messed up I am. That is not a life worth living. I didn't choose to be born, so I should have the right to end this if I am not worthy of experiencing the best life has to offer. That sounds like a self centered thing to say, but at this juncture, I don't care. It is OVERWHELMING.
So, that's my story. I hope that it makes someone more comfortable interacting with me, maybe it can put things in perspective for them in a way.
I've been generally socially isolated (lack of consistent communication/barely-no friends) for well over a decade, and deal with various mental health issues because of it. The reason why this occurred was because of things that were out of my control that transpired at the age of 12. I was taken out of school for 3 years due to family abuse and negligent parents. 3 years later, going back into school, I couldn't adapt socially and academically - resulting in severe social anxiety and depression; progressively deteriorating mental health ever since the age of 15. Ever since graduation I've coped with it by generally shutting off society and daydreaming. I tried to pull myself out of it, but my mental health and disabilities made it nearly impossible for me to find stability. I am now 26, far behind my peers in many respects, and will spend the rest of my youth catching up. That typically doesn't go well, for various reasons. And that uncertainty and loss isn't worth it at all, it is suicide-inducing, in fact. Here is how my downward spiral transpired:
My story - timeline:
Age 2: Start showing signs of Asperger's/early onset. I learned how to read on my own at a very young age, and based on my findings, it's likely that this was due toHyperlexia/a splinter skill, which is usually tied to ASD's (If you don't know what that is) My mother doesn't know what's going on with me, as I experience meltdowns, the like.
Age 5: Diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD by a reputable psychiatrist, one who was well-versed in autism for over 40 years.
Age 5-9, Public elementary school: School felt like prison to me. Anxious to an extent. I was REALLY hyper in Kindergarten due to my anxiety, teasing others, yelling at teachers, etc. Eventually I calmed down significantly and in the first grade I became the passive, socially introverted/isolated quiet kid, a character which lasted throughout my school years with a few variations in between.
Age 8- My psychiatrist, Dr. Ruttenberg, retires and refers me to another psychiatrist nearby (we'll call him Dante). This new psychiatrist ends up being an important part of this story. My father started seeing him after a panic attack over work. He was put on the same drug and dosage I was prescribed (30mg Adderall XR) and he ended up abusing this substance. However, Dante kept prescribing him this drug.
Age 9 1/2: After having minor anxiety issues in public school for four years, fourth grade is the last straw, due to major anxiety symptoms over a situation involving my teacher humiliating me in front of students (some mornings, I literally shit my pants before walking to school, at the thought of facing her). I end up being sent to a PreK-12 specialized private school (for students having trouble integrating in public schools due to certain cognitive/neurological and behavioral issues, such as ADHD, ODD, Asperger's/High functioning autism, low functioning autism, bipolar disorder, etc.). My experience here, in the lower school, was far more comfortable than public school, even felt therapeutic in a way, the difference in structure. I actually made some friends and opened up socially in a way I never did in public school, though I was still quiet and reserved. I started becoming more intimate with personal interests; at this time, severe weather was the thing that enthralled me more than anything before. All I did was watch The Weather Channel and observe storms of all kinds in my backyard.
During this time, my parents started arguing far more than they did before. I noticed this because it was an unusual type of communication from my parents. Fortunately it was only significant debate being resolved in one to two days, but these scuffles would occur every two to three weeks on average, and become more frequent as the months went on.
Age 12: Over the next two years, the arguments with my parents and emotional state in my father increase and decrease respectively. My father starts beating my mother, he ends up losing jobs, he starts sleeping for two to three days every one to two weeks on average - behavior that is VERY unusual. Because of the lack of grasp on his jobs, and since we were renting houses, he couldn't pay rent. We were technically homeless. Luckily, my grandmother (who was present throughout my childhood thus far, so it wasn't THAT abnormal) helped us out and let us move into her place.
However, it was only for two weeks - we were kicked out after this brief period.
Then we were homeless for real. We tried to contact my mother's older sister, and she called the police on us. We were desperately trying to find a place to stay, and when we asked Dante, he actually agreed to let us stay; something that he wasn't allowed to even do. He actually had another patient staying over at his house, at this same time.
This is where things start to get really bleak and the socially isolated downward spiral begins. Since my parents can't consistently provide for me, my sister and I stop going to school. This started happening in November 2006.
Christmas 2006: Amazingly, (my father probably panhandled or asked Dante for money - he would do that a lot) I received my first laptop, with internet access to boot. Since I had literally nothing to do all day, I spent all my time on the computer.
I spent every day on my computer, looking up meaningless things; watching YouTube videos. For some reason, interests I had that I would obsess over as a child, like weather, started waning. I just watched YouTube all day, just meaningless fluff. As I got more used to the internet I started finding other message boards, which I would start browsing, sometimes religiously. But most importantly: I started daydreaming far more than before. I had no choice but to shut off the world as a coping mechanism, which was hazardous for my natural inclination towards life - ambitious, adventurous. I started developing high standards for my adulthood, but was becoming developmentally stunted and began to dig a hole for myself.
Dante still keeps giving (not prescribing) my father Adderall XR - but only every once in a while, giving him breathing room for destructive withdrawals. My dad was probably to blame for this too, though, he was an ex-salesman - he had above-average social skills, and probably took advantage of Dante's vulnerability. Dante was essentially an enabler, nearly playing the role of a drug dealer.
Age 15, December 2009: 3 years later, I ended up going back to school. Same school - started my freshman year of high school. See my old friends from lower school there, reconnect - but something is off. All of a sudden I cannot relate to my peers. I cannot hold conversations because I do not have life experiences appropriate to my age due to my chronic isolation. I also had experiences early on where friends of my old friends, extroverted assholes, made fun of me, and I actually thought that whatever they said had merit because they were associated with my friends. From this point (and this was literally just a month into high school) I completely withdrew into myself, never spoke in class, especially when the assholes were around. I used the same daydreaming coping mechanisms that I used to escape the family abuse. I fixate on these feelings and cannot concentrate, and I'm overwhelmed by how much I have to catch up on my grades that I missed, how the work seems much more advanced, even to the point of seeming foreign (more on this later) This continued throughout the year, then during sophomore year onwards, I adapted a little more to the situation, but still dealt with the same issues; went further down the spiral, and filtered everything into my heavily distorted, blurred reality. I was still adamant about my future though, because I wanted to be successful in life, and accomplish goals that helped me remain optimistic about my future and helped me get through the abuse - so there were ups and downs. I tried to integrate myself every now and then, but almost always failed miserably. What's amazing is nobody noticed; and the ones that did know about my situation with family abuse didn't bother caring. Nearly every single staff member assumed I was slower than the average high functioning autistic, so they lowered their expectations and talked down to me, and the like, and for a while I strongly considered they were right, which destroyed my self-esteem. I had no one in my life that was able to do proper damage control; I was alienating my old friends away and unable to make new ones, I didn't talk to my family, there was literally no one there to help me. When I had free time, I did the same thing I did during the abuse - I roamed the internet nearly all day, and spent all day inside my head (even at school).
Age 16, early 2011: During sophomore year, my parents finally separated, my mother, sister and I moved out of Dante's house, mother was able to make amends with her family (amazingly), they helped us out/made up for their wrongs (mainly my grandmother and my aunt/mother's oldest sister) finally found a cheap house, my father never recovered from his drug addiction after a failed rehab stint, and I haven't seen him since February 2011 (age 16 1/2) - if I had to venture a guess, he's probably dead.
Age 17, September 2011: Junior year: start routine of half day public technical school (my idea: I wasn't kidding about being adamant about my future) half day private school. Just like in my other school, I collapse in technical school as well. Culinary arts is a disaster for me; my reading comprehension issues extend into problems with executive function, due to my inability to get out of the daydreaming coping mechanisms. I'm essentially as clumsy as Dr. Steve Brule (without the obvious extreme speech/social issues) and manage to alienate my entire class, even to the point of getting picked on. I continue the daydreaming, still have no one in my life. What's somewhat peculiar is around this time I finally start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Therapy doesn't help me, as I constantly perseverate and lack the self-awareness to understand what is really going on. Prescription drugs don't help, either, though Adderall (which helped me quite a bit as a child) did help for a brief period of time, I can't remember why I stopped taking it.
Age 18, July 2012: After doing some research on Asperger's, I wonder if I have it. I ask my mother about it, and she informs me that I was diagnosed with it at age 4 1/2. This throws me into shell shock, but I calm down later on, even though I still worry about it from time to time and wonder if this is why I am failing, rather than having my education disrupted.
September 2012: Senior year, switch from Culinary to IT/Computer Networking. Technical school is far more comfortable this year, even manage to get along with some classmates, but my ADHD/SCT symptoms make it incredibly hard to grasp the concepts of IT and computers, and more importantly, retain information. This year was by far the easiest out of the four, but it was still pretty hellish, and the daydreaming continued. Still isolated; roam the computer all day and daydream. I manage to find an interest in MBTI/Jungian Typology, but I'm really slow to comprehend it due to my myriad issues.
Age 18-26, June 2013-present: I graduate high school with poor grades, completely uneducated because of the precedent that was set during freshman year; how I fixated and perseverated on why I just couldn't fit in, just withdrew into myself, didn't focus in class at all, just exclusively fixated on my self-consciousness, disassociated from everything very much like with the family abuse. Really, I graduated uneducated, and nothing was really done about it. I struggle to find a job, become suicidal for the first time in my life in September 2013 over the idea of having Asperger's, because of the low-quality prognosis that is common and how that would threaten the future I was striving for. I briefly wanted to get second opinions from experienced psychologists in an attempt to audit that diagnosis, but that plan fell through due to issues with my mother. I end up becoming a shut-in, mainly in my mind, as I'm daydreaming constantly, which helps me go outside for walks every now and then. I end up spending essentially all of my time on my computer playing video games or browsing forums to distract myself from my ugly reality. I lose contact with everyone, except my family, who I live with to this day.
ADHD-esque learning difficulties:
This is probably the biggest problem I'm facing right now. If it wasn't for this, I would have made far more progress at this point. This is seriously wasting my life. Not only do I have an official diagnosis of ADHD-PI, but major depression and significant social anxiety have strongly influenced and enhanced these effects. Symptoms include: when reading new information/articles, I can't read in a straight line for, on average, more than 4-5 seconds; I feel like jumping out of my skin. I can't concentrate, struggle to grasp new concepts and information (even things like basic political concepts), and have a far harder time retaining them. Major issues with memory recall, processing speed and also pattern recognition. Scatter-minded, thoughts and feelings floating about everywhere. Whenever I'm involved in a new hands-on task, no matter what it is, I cannot comprehend it for the life of me, and it takes me a while to warm up to it, so to speak. Bad executive function generally speaking.
Social anxiety
I don't have to go into much detail here. I'm extremely self-conscious. Terrified and intimidated of certain people. These problems combine with my (hopefully temporary) learning difficulties.
Depression and hopelessness:
I feel horrible every day, and have little to no motivation. I feel like my life is not worth living. I feel like the best version of myself is not good enough for the things that I want, that I'm not capable of the work required. I don't care about anything.
My diagnoses:
Professional:
- Asperger's (HX)
- ADD-PI
- Social Anxiety Disorder
- Major Depressive Disorder
4 years ago I had a mental breakdown. I had been in therapy for years at that point and it wasn't working out, it was really difficult. I've been generally agoraphobic since high school for various reasons (more on that later) and have tried various medications for things like (acute) anxiety, depression, and severe ADHD (I learned about something called "sluggish cognitive tempo", which I have all of the symptoms of. It makes life extremely difficult, focusing and sustaining attention on things.) which didn't help. I learned about psychedelic drugs and how they can be used as an alternative treatment for mental health.
During this mental breakdown, I decided to take a different approach to life. I posted about my life on Reddit and other forums, expressed how I felt at that point in my life psychedelics, particularly high doses, were a good option, and asked for a trip sitter. I found someone on Bluelight, who identified with my experiences, said LSD was the thing that "saved" his life and didn't know if he'd be alive without it. He offered to trip sit me, but he lived way out in the west coast, so we established a plan for trip sitting and psychedelic psychotherapy once I was able to save up. The plan kept getting pushed back because I had an extremely difficult time finding employment because of my anxiety and focusing issues, and I couldn't get on social security disability. Eventually I realized it wouldn't work out between us 2 years ago (late 2018), and I tried finding someone else; readjusting my plan for it to fit my situation, which made it more unrealistic.
I eventually found a meditation teacher last summer, who attributed psychedelics to his personal success and growth, who offered to help me once he found a new place with an in-law that would allow the space needed for the type of project I was proposing. It kept getting pushed back, and I learned this week that his life was too complicated for him to help me.
I've realized that my psychedelic psychotherapy project is rather unrealistic, and have given up on it. But that was the only thing keeping me going for the past 4 years. I just turned 26 and I've wasted so much time. I've dealt with family abuse; I was taken out of school for 3 years due to "homelessness", which screwed me up academically and socially, and it's had serious implications on my life. I have treatment resistant adhd which makes it extremely hard to focus on various things I'm interested in (my lack of education further accelerates that difficulty). I'm autistic, and the horror that can bring kind of speaks for itself. I'm incredibly fucked up. I probably have no choice but to lower my expectations in life. I may never have the type of career I'm looking for, something flexible that allows me to be creative. I probably will never have the type of relationship I'm looking for, and likely have no choice but to take a huge risk on someone, who I believe would deserve love that isn't half-ass, which I fear is the best I have to offer them. I just can't handle the state of my life, and it has led me to suicide.
I wasted years of my life that I will never get back. It is really critical to have education and relationships, even if they don't work out, by your mid-20s, as it becomes harder to meet people and find good work past a certain age, if you have little to no experience with the world in any capacity. This means you have fewer opportunities, those opportunities may not be of great quality, and there is much more uncertainty surrounding the state of your life and your prospects.
The kicker is that I developed fibromyalgia from a traumatic injury/accident 2 years ago. Because I don't have health care, I can't treat it in an ideal way, which means I have to rely on cheap pain killers like Advil. Even with occasional back pain, I think I could live with it if I was fulfilled in life, if I was able to achieve my best self and expectations, with a great career, motivation and intelligence to pursue hobbies and creative projects, topped off with a fulfilling relationship with someone I truly love. But knowing my life will be quite removed from what I want it to be, that spawns an emotion that honestly feels worse than the physical pain I feel. Nothing is worse than a black hole of missed experiences and opportunities. The past 2 years have been emotionally draining, but weeks before my 26th birthday, I started feeling massive pangs of envy, regret, disappointment and despair that haven't let up since. I have had trouble eating, and feel an impending sense of doom, like I'm ready to lose my mind again. I am now 100% certain that suicide is the next step for me. Nothing besides my inability to raise money will get in my way, which unfortunately, is a real possibility.
Earlier this year, I thought to myself that I should have pushed myself more at a younger age. I've had pretty much nothing to lose for so long, why shouldn't I have put myself out there more? Before Covid hit, I tried looking for part time jobs. Data Entry, to be specific. I made a complete fool out of myself. My anxiety got the best of me. I couldn't complete sentences, I didn't understand some things people were asking me. The interviewer actually laughed at me. I left them my number and never got a call back. 2 weeks ago, I tried looking for jobs at fast food restaurants like McDonalds, and had similar results (minus people laughing at me). It turns out, my anxiety was right, I actually wasn't good enough for even a simple part time job. I'm not even good enough for McDonalds. How the fuck could I be successful in life if I can't even get hired for a simple part time gig somewhere? This made me realize that, for the most part, I feel like I've done everything right. I've been trying to preserve my sanity, because exposing how much of a failure I am to myself makes me lose it, little by little, it confirms my worst fears. That's how messed up I am. That is not a life worth living. I didn't choose to be born, so I should have the right to end this if I am not worthy of experiencing the best life has to offer. That sounds like a self centered thing to say, but at this juncture, I don't care. It is OVERWHELMING.
So, that's my story. I hope that it makes someone more comfortable interacting with me, maybe it can put things in perspective for them in a way.
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